Elderly parent

[Notathomenow]

My elderly mum lost my dad many years ago now. She's 83 and is becoming more and more reliant on help from family.

We are expected to do all tasks including shopping, liaison with the doctor/specialists and all housework. She cooks the occasional meal but relies heavily on ready meals etc.

Over the last year, mum has had an increasing number of falls, but we were advised to call the ambulance for these or increasingly situations where she gets stuck and need us to get her up etc.

I go and see her three times a week, but if I can't get to see her we get a phone call where we must go and help her up etc and must come now.

She is getting more and more frail and needing more and more help. She refuses to go into a home, or get carers in. She spends most of her time sat in the chair and won't even go out and walk round the yard. She is hopeless with technology.

It is hard to juggle demands of family, work and looking after her and it has caused more than a few family arguments with her demands.

Any help or advice.

Someone needs to tell her that you are no longer able to care so much. Maybe her gp or a community matron. Ideally she would agree to having a care assessment by social services and they could see what help and equipment would make her life easier. What happens when she falls. Has she ever injured herself and gone to hospital. She could be referred to the falls clinic and have falls alarm and a careline put in. Would she consider moving into sheltered or extra care accommodation. Has she said why she wont have carers in. Do you have siblings who can help you. Picking her up after a fall or if she is stuck puts her and you at risk of injury and calling an ambulance isn't always appropriate.

As pp says she needs an assessment by social services. Is she living in a house at present and if so, how is she managing the stairs? How about personal care and any medication? Does she have the money to pay for care? Also, do you have power of attorney? Sorry for all the questions!

She went to hospital after a previous fall and ended up being kept in for two weeks. Had social care assessment when she came out, but upped her game, and they were happy that she could wash, get dressed independently and cook ready meals. She also told them that she had family to do housework and shopping so no extra help needed. They brought in a few extra aids, raised toilet seat and walking frame etc.

We were told to call the ambulance after falls as she is on blood thinners.

My sister feels that we should do everything willingly as she is our mother. I just find it incredibly hard juggling work, my life and hers.

Does your sister visit and help. Maybe it's time for an honest sit down chat to list who can realistically do what. Shopping can be done online and delivered, so can medication. Ready meals can be delivered from somewhere like Wiltshire farms. Does she have a keysafe to let the emergency services in and a Careline linked to either willing family or the Careline company. Does the doctor know about the falls, sometimes they review warfarin if someones has frequent falls. Would mum agree to help from Age UK.

Hi there when I first joined this forum I was in exactly the same situation as you, although it is just me who is called upon.

Mum would just eat ready meals, sat at home watching tv all day and was losing the ability to do tasks she could previously do. I would get summoned to do things like put a plaster on her arm, when I got there there was barely anything to put the plaster on. I think she was lonely and just wanted to see me. I was advised by posters on here to stop doing everything for her and once she reaches crisis point then she will be more likely to accept help.

I think the first thing surely is to organise a cleaner for her. Tell her you no longer are able to help out with so much due to looking after your family work etc and stand firm. Set up Careline or similar in case she falls again. You and your sister clearly love her and want to look after her but it can't be at the expense of your own well being.

My mum ended up in hospital for 11 weeks and is now in respite care waiting to come home with carers calling 4 times a day. She still thinks she doesn't need any help though!

I know what a worry this can be as I have frail and elderly parents (in their mid eighties and with a variety of increasingly serious health conditions. Falls have been a problem too and neither my sister nor I live particularly close to them.

At least mine have just about accepted that they need their carers, who come in three times a day. Though it does bring it's own issues because my Dad is such a bloody fusspot and can be a real Victor Meldrew if anything is put back even an inch out of it's allotted space. Even giving off over which glass tumbler he is given a drink of water in.

Mine began to get carers in over lockdown. My sister ended up going there several times towards the end of lockdown when something or another had put one or the other in hospital. A few fairly frank conversations and to be fair they were accepting of it, though not liking it. The carer arrangements are what is currently allowing them to remain in their own home, which is what they want.

I suspect that you will have to be very frank with your mother. If she wishes to maintain some independence in her own home then for everyone's peace of mind this (carers) is how it will have to be. Otherwise she will not be safe.

Good luck though. These are hard conversations to have and many elderly people are resistant.

I’m afraid you are going to have to be firm with both your mum and your sister - Decide what you can/will do, and stick to that. Easier to say than do though.

Great advice from posters here. Is there any one she would listen to?
Boundaries are key here.
You will make yourself ill otherwise.

Unfortunately no one she would listen to, and my sister is passing the buck more and more to me as I live closer.

Some hard conversations to be had, but we have a family history of when I say no, people ignore me. I'm not in the greatest of health either.

That sounds tough. Your sister can arrange food deliveries online. Next time mum has a blood test or hospital appointment could the staff speak to her. GP practices sometimes have community nurses who check up on the vulnerable elderly. Do you and your sister have power of attorney which might help. Her bills can be paid direct debit. Is mum worried about having to pay for carers. She can apply for attendance allowance.

I'm really glad I'm an only! From what I read on here, although in theory having siblings should mean a sharing of the burden, what it means in practice is that sibling is very vocal about what should be done, without actually doing any of it. That's a long winded way of saying your problem is your sister. You need to find some way you can ignore her guilt-tripping.

Your mother has the right to take her own decisions, but she needs to accept responsibility for how those decisions work out. I'd start drawing boundaries, not accompanying her to A&E after a fall, for example (she might want you to be there, but she'll be well looked after. You need your sleep.) If she's not protected from consequences, she will come to realise her current situation isn't tenable.

Thanks
She just won't have carers, point blank, full stop. We have POA and bills are paid online. Food deliveries seem a good idea, but she would be shattered after taking them in. She spends more and more time just sat in her chair. When she was monitored her activity for 95% of the time was registered at 0. The visits seem to have stopped as they deemed she is coping. Seems a contradiction in terms, but I guess money is tight.

The GP is aware, but with my mother saying that everything is fine and relatives will do all the work, there isn't much that they can do.

I'm beginning to suspect that my sister isn't doing as much as she says she is and wants me to take on more and more.

My MIL refused carers and expected her family to do everything.
She started ringing 999 a lot and they got a SW involved.
She now has carers twice a day (that she is paying for) but frequently sends them away. She is an absolute nuisance and needs to be cared for in a home, but she refuses and there is nothing they will do.
It’s a shame as she’d be so much safer in a home. Unfortunately her DC will just feel relief when she’s gone.

The only thing I can suggest is to write to both social workers and GP to say that even though she is saying family can do everything, this isn't in fact true and that you are able to do only X. It's a scenario they are well aware of.