Mum's 'boyfriend' - wwyd?

[pawpawpawpaw]

My mum is almost 80, lives on her own, has many friends, is very sweet and lovable and in pretty good health (she had a mild stroke a couple of years ago, some barely perceptible deficits remain). A man she has been dating 'says he wants to meet me'. This is someone she was seeing a few times a month for lunch, fundraising dinners etc (distancing since covid). I'm visiting for the first time since January and before I'd completed the two week quarantine period he'd rung to ask when he'd meet me. Later he rang to say he was in the neighbourhood (imo strongly hinting that he wants to be invited in).

My mum likes dating but seems lukewarm about this man, she complains to me and her friends about his appearance and behaviour and then backtracks to say that he's not that bad and maybe she's being too harsh. (There's possibly some subtext here about my mother's historical tendency to seek advice and then tell you why the advice is wrong.) The last I heard she planned to tell him she wants to be friends, but suddenly she's going out with him tonight and he's coming here to meet me. She says if I meet him it will be 'easier'.

Is it wrong that I don't want to meet this guy? At best his chivvying is annoying, and at worst I'm concerned that my mother can be so easily manipulated. Normally I enjoy meeting her friends, and I'd love for her to meet a nice man. In some way I feel like I know more than I want to about this situation and I need to find a way to avoid my mother endlessly hashing it over. I'm not even sure how we got here? This guy has been a peripheral presence until now.

I think you’ve made some very strong judgements about a man you’ve not even met yet.
Give the bloke a chance, he must have some good qualities or your mum wouldn’t be entertaining him.

Running it might seem that way, but I actually thought things were fine until I came to visit and my mum told me they weren't. It seemed like they were having a nice time.
I don't doubt he has some nice qualities, I suggested if they're enjoying having lunch then carry on, it's my mother who says she's on the fence about seeing him. She told me she wants to keep him at arms length, then he rang and she said he's coming over so he can meet me.

Do you think he’s controlling her in some way? It seems when she’s away from him she feels ‘lukewarm’ and unsure but after she’s spoken to him or is with him she feels differently? Maybe you should meet him to see for yourself what he is like and go from there.

Fingers yes, that's about right. I think he's a bit bossy; equally my mum can be publicly very noncommittal and privately very opinionated. She's not good at setting boundaries. She seems unable/unwilling to say no to anyone, or say she needs time to make a decision. She says maybe and let plans and decisions drag on until someone else forces her hand and she goes along with someone else's plan, then she'll tell me at length how much she doesn't want to do something she's agreed to, but she feels obligated to follow through.

My problem is that I get drawn into helping resolve something that my mum says she wants help with but I'm not sure she really does, she really wants to do her own thing her own way. Of course I don't want to refuse to help if she asks, and post-stroke I'm concerned about her judgement, it's hard to know when to step away. We've always had a close and intense relationship, it can feel too much.

; equally my mum can be publicly very noncommittal and privately very opinionated. She's not good at setting boundaries. She seems unable/unwilling to say no to anyone, or say she needs time to make a decision. She says maybe and let plans and decisions drag on until someone else forces her hand and she goes along with someone else's plan, then she'll tell me at length how much she doesn't want to do something she's agreed to, but she feels obligated to follow through.

I have a relative like this! It's a nightmare as you are always being dragged into stuff then they decide it wasn't a problem in the first place! Until next time. Just never know what to take seriously as they cry wolf so often. With my one, I can't decide if it's drama or genuine vacillation.

I think you should meet him to vet him yourself. No need to be aggressive but just ask a few questions. If he is defensive you will be on the alert.