My mum isn't coping with my dad and I don't know what to do.

[Galvantula]

He has dementia and has declined a lot over the last year, probably even faster during lockdown Also the level of support and interaction with dementia groups has been impossible and they've really missed it. In addition having minimal contact with me and their grandchildren for months just compounded the bad situation.

His most recent problems are struggling to eat and night time hallucinations and other sleep disturbances. Mum is exhausted, he's losing weight and they just seem to be struggling so much.

I just feel like my mum has no patience for him. I have massive sympathy for how utterly shit life has become for her. However I also think she's really not helping him with the way she seems to resent him for stuff he can't help.

I used to try and take him out for a little while when I could but had to stop that for a while due to the lockdown situation.

We're getting back to it now that more contact is possible, but I feel like it'll never be enough working around the kids and my own work.

Negativity is radiating off her today and I couldn't have said anything right. Dad and I took a walk while she had an appointment. He seemed to enjoy it and tried to talk a bit.

He loses the thread a lot but I just try to go with it and not finish words for him unless he seems to want me to.

From what I've read, keeping it calm and not asking questions reduces anxiety which is the best thing for him.

Oh this is just a total ramble. When I get my head together I'll try to see if there's any other practical help to figure out. It's just hard when she's telling me how bad everything is (and it is) but any suggestion I make is met with "I already do that" or "easy for you to say".

They go through ok phases but it seems really bad at the moment.

It may be she doesn't want help at the moment, just wants to vent. It's infuriating when you want sympathy just to be given solutions, also carries an undertone of "well, it's your own fault - if only you'd do this"

Of course not wanting help and not needing help are two very different things.

That sounds really tough. Does she sleep in the same room as him? She must be exhausted.

As you said it is worth looking into help, and the adult social care team, even for the future. When it gets beyond a certain point there will be help, maybe knowing that will give your mum some hope. Having a plan is also helpful if things go downhill rapidly.

The lack of sleep will render her exhausted and patience will be wearing thin with 24 hour responsibility. It is very sad but understandable

I hope I don't come across like that. I'd say a high percentage of our interactions are just me letting her vent, but sometimes it'll be "what am I going to do about .

It's just hard to see them like this and not be able to help. I'm worried for her mental health as well.

I feel for her, him and you.

Could you offer to look after him for the weekend so she could go away/have a weekend of relaxation?

She needs some respite.

Caring for people with dementia is exhausting for anyone but even worse if you are elderly yourself and bound up in the duty of marriage. There's no escape.

So what respite is in place for her? If family can't provide it then it needs to be provided formally by paid carers, day centres or respite care.

She's been very resistant to arranging respite so far. She is worried about change confusing him and making it worse. She's also ok with me taking him out for a bit, but is not great at asking for help overall, as she feels I have enough on my plate with young kids, work etc.

She was making slightly more positive noises recently about letting someone come and sit with him or take him out for a walk, I'm not sure how far the arrangements have got though.

Also the whole covid issue has made it worse with centres being closed and groups only able to meet by zoom.

Agree she needs respite. Get in touch with your local council care services and find out what's available forst and if they can't provide enough help, organise a paid carer. It's too hard 24/7 and I' m not surprised she's at the end of her tether after lockdown.

Thing is, OP, when you care for someone it is so hard and relentless that you are bound to feel deflated, depressed and recentful even though you love the person you care for.

Get your mum as much help as possible, give her all the understanding and support you can, be her shoulder to lean on. And again try to convince your parents to get as much care in place as possible.

Often elderlies don't feel comfortable having carers in, but when it is in place, it is a relief.

Sorry, x-posted .

Suggest to your dm that they get help/carers as a trial for eg.a couple of weeks/a month. Sometimes small steps work.

Your mum sounds like my dad, who cares for my mum. He wouldn't dream of asking for help. I had to work hard to persuade him to accept a paid carer. It was for his sake, more than mum's, because his quality of life was terrible. Now he can get outside and potter in the garden or go and visit a friend and it makes a huge difference.

She could apply for attendance allowance the non means tested weekly payment. (Just search it on this site as lots already written about it on recent threads and telephone for the firms rather than download for backdated payment. ) Those funds could buy some help/ company and if it’s ‘new’ money it might seem like something she’ll accept

I found here the forums on here an absolute life line when in the exact same position as you are now:

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-online-community

Hello, she actually has attendance allowance, she wasn't keen but a dementia worker went through the forms with her. She was a bit horrified actually when she was listing all the things he can't do himself now. :(

Nobody wants strangers in the house. It’s only once they come out that you get used to the situation.

Defo encourage contacting the local authority to see what help options are available. Be there and phone together if you can. Same for when they come out, try and be there to help your mum while they are there as she might get a bit stressed the first time as it’s new and she’s not getting any younger! Everything’s harder when your older!

When did the gp last discuss his health requirements? Do you or your mum have a power of attorney to make physical and financial decisions for him? If not and he appears reasonably ‘with it’ some days could you get one done before he gets worse? It will help greatly.

Could the gp prescribe sleeping tablets to help your mum get a restful nights sleep?

Yes we have all the POA in place.

He was at the doctor recently and has had to have some of his medication changed. He's on Memantine and I think various things for blood pressure and heart condition. My mum took in notes about how he'd been recently and had recorded his weight loss. She was ready as the previous visit she didn't feel they got how badly he'd been doing. The doctor has now suggested an anti-depressant medication to try and help with his mood, sleep and appetite. I guess we'll have to wait and see whether it starts to help, as I believe it can take a couple of weeks.

Meds can definitely help alleviate his mood but it is the relentless extra tasks that take the toll on your mum. Decline is sadly inevitable but goodness it is tough to watch and experience first hand. As others have said it’s lots of little measures of accepted help and ‘victories’ that get you through each phase and stage. Covid has brought many difficulties but in my immediate location via What’s App and neighbour groups there is a stronger sense of community. If your mum has a what’s app group of neighbours I’d be gently exploring that to see if your mum can escape for an afternoon locally to recharge and step back from her tasks for a precious few hours. As you say, watching out for her is equally important.

Yeah, anti d’s take about three weeks to kick in. Fingers crossed they help a lot OP.

Its difficult when you can see a decline in a loved one. Maybe your DM might benefit from ADs also and some respite care. Some local agencies may provide "grannysitters" for a couple of hours a week so she could meet up with friends or rest herself.

Hi @Galvantula ,
I would love to chat with you more about the solutions you came up with to help your mum. I am in exactly the same position and see that really neither of my parents are really getting the support they need to be happy and well and I just dont really know what to do.
Id be very pleased to hear about your situation. best wishes

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