Help with what to do

[coconutwhip]

I don't know if this is the right place to post but it's regarding grandparents and the situation they are in.
I will start by saying they are well off. They have thousands upon thousands hidden away both in the bank and in cash. They own their own home my mum has LPA over their financial situations but not health situations as they didn't agree with it.
The last 2 years it has been getting worse and worse. My grandad cannot walk any more than 2 steps without collapsing and my nan can no longer pick him up. He now has a commode in his bedroom and wears nappies. He maybe has a wash once a week if my Nan can get him down the stairs. He 'lives' in a tiny box room with hardly enough room for him to turn round. They have a lounge that they don't use downstairs with sliding doors to close it completely off but refuse for him to come down there.
My Nan has got to the point where she can't keep on top of the house, it is unclean and as much as she tries it is in a constant state of mess. The electrics are unsafe.
They got the bathroom redone last year to a wet room so at least that is a bonus.
My mum and myself have suggested that they pay for a cleaner and a carer should my grandad wish to remain out of a care home. This is met with hostility and anger. They say they can't afford it which is total rubbish.
My aunt doesn't help the situation. All she cares about is getting as much inheritance as possible from them so whispers in my nans ear constantly that she needs to save her money etc. My Nan knows why she's doing it she just doesn't care.
I'm now at the point that i refuse to take my son over as it is so horrible that I don't want to see it and I don't want him in the house. I'm told that it's not fair and they are heartbroken. I've offered to come to the garden but obviously as grandad cannot leave his room this doesn't help.
I don't know what to do. Is there anything I can do? Is there anyone I could contact? Any help would be great because it's killing me to see them like this

I think your local social services can do an assessment, so worth contacting them.

As your mum has Financial POA, could she not arrange for a cleaner etc to come in and tell your parents it is someone from the council?

Also, they will be eligible for Attendance Allowance (not means tested), which will help pay for care, as well as the stuff which can keep them at home but can be outsourced (cleaner, gardener, etc).

I agree, you need to ring adult social care and get an assessment, or the doctors for a referral.

Will she accept help from a few of you with cleaning? Can GD get a wheelchair for downstairs?

Thanks both @BluebellsGreenbells he has a wheelchair. But unfortunately my Nan doesn't have the strength to get him in and out and then push him.
We try and help out when we can but we don't live locally (about an hours drive) so it's difficult to pop in every other day to really give them the help they need. They also get funny about it.
It feels like a loosing battle. I completely understand that they don't want to leave their home and want to keep their privacy but unfortunately it has got to the stage this is no longer possible.

What is your grandad's view?

Your mum's LPA doesn't mean she can make decisions about their money. She has to support them in the decisions they make, not take over. Even if she thinks they are wrong - until they do not have the capacity to make decisions themselves. They can save it, or spend it on anything they like, and even with LPA she has no say in that.

I would suggest some social services contact for an assessment if they will agree to it. But lots of older people do not want state involvement, and that is their right.

@SpanishRio my mum has not tried to make any decisions regarding money but unfortunately they are getting towards the stage that soon they would not be in the right mind to deal with anything like that. However I simply put it in my OP so that you can be aware of what we have as a family.
Whilst they don't want any involvement it is now at the stage where my grandad does not get washed, dressed and has to wear a nappy as they cannot get him downstairs to the toilet. He falls all the time as his legs can no longer support him and neither can my Nan meaning that he is basically bed bound all day. He often soils the bed and my Nan struggles to change it meaning we end up going over at least 5x a week to change it.

@MereDintofPandiculation unfortunately he feels that my Nan can continue looking after him however she has explained to him she can no longer do it. In the last year his health has deteriorated to the point that speaking is an effort for him so he doesn't really talk any more and when he does he is very hard to understand as his voice is so weak. He also doesn't try and help himself. If he tried to walk even with one of us helping him he doesn't put any effort in at all to try and support himself or move in a way it may assist whoever is holding him. He sleeps for most the day and doesn't really eat anymore.
It's awful for us all to see.

Try and get the gp and social services involved

There may be an underlying medical condition (eg Parkinson’s) as well as general decline due to age.

If he's starting to fall, even if he's not hurting himself, that will be seen as a serious risk, and you would be supported by GP and social services in trying to get some help in.

What exactly do you think social services might do - they will need consent if capacity is there and it doesn't sound like they will give it.

Social services are not the silver bullet - work needs to be done with them to accept help first.

I would work on your nan by coming at it from the best interests of your grandad. So pointing out to your nan that his quality of life (and probably his health) could be so much better if they accepted help. It’s also important that he doesn’t develop pressure sores because that will lead to a world of misery and potentially hospital admission.
Old people can be very stubborn about this sort of thing, often it’s because they are too “proud” to accept help. But it’s also selfish sometimes to refuse help because it just makes everyone else’s life harder.

Social services are not the silver bullet - work needs to be done with them to accept help first. It works both ways. Sometimes elders will take advice from social services and GP that they won't take from their children.