Sad and worried about mum

[Cattermole]

So widowed DM is 80, physically frail but mobile and mostly fit, long-term alcoholic but sober 12 months plus.
Had a relapse about 3 months ago and came out of hospital at the beginning of the month and she's just lost her mojo.
She's forgetful (as in you can tell her something three times in the same conversation - about herself, so not something where she wasn't listening) She isn't interested in eating or drinking particularly, or going anywhere. She's had a few dizzy spells recently which she blames on the heat - she just collapsed in our local shop in the heat and they sent her off home after she'd had a sit, she took her mask off (she can't breathe with it on, she panics) and she was OK.

She's seeing the doctoe regularly but she really hasn't got much of a clue with her meds, she's a bit random with taking them and even more random with keeping appointments: she's been to see the nurse for blood tests on three wrong days this week.

She has full mental capacity - nor would I want to take agency from her as long as she's capable of living independently even with help - but I just feel as if I'm watching her fading away now.
And that makes me so sad.

It is so hard to see your mum go from active and fit to so frail and staring to fail to cope. My mum lost interest in everything she had once enjoyed, even watching television and reading. Eating is seen as a chore rather than pleasure.

Does she still see any of her friends? Are there day centers running near her where she could meet up with other elderly people? I guess Covid has put paid to that. Just spend as much time with her as you can and when the time comes, look into maybe having a carer pop in even if just to make sure she has a meal and takes her meds.

Sending a hug, it is so difficult to see.

but I just feel as if I'm watching her fading away now.
And that makes me so sad. Yes, at that age she will be declining. And it is sad to start losing someone you love. It's sad, but it's inevitable.

In retrospect it's some comfort if you can feel you've helped make it easier for her, and there are things you can arrange to make things easier. See if she'll authorise the surgery to talk to you, so you can find out when her appointments are and remind her (or put into the computer so Alexa can remind her). Drugs are more difficult, carers won't help with medication, but you can get them delivered in a dosette box, already split up into days and times.

Is she aware that she's forgetting things?

Could you get her used to say having a cleaner? Made it much easier for dm accepting carers after having one.
Maybe an assessment from an ot to see if adaptations might help?

Thanks all. We've had a chat today and we're going to get a call back from the GP tomorrow: she's on statins but doesn't know why, and on beta-blockers but doesn't have high blood pressure. We're wondering if these are what's causing some of her dizzy spells (as I say, she's only been out of hospital a fortnight, so she's had the rule run over her for all underlying health conditions including Covid) and the sort of general meh-ness.
She has a cleaner arranged by the OTs but I'm not sure how long it will last before she decides "she doesn't need a cleaner"....

I used to say to my father "yes I know you don't need a cleaner, but it gives one job you don't need to do, and gives you time to do more important things". I don't know how useful it was, but seemed a bit better than saying "yes you do need a cleaner".

A hand hold from me. Just got home from a fortnight of looking after my elderly parents (in their mid eighties) and I know how you feel about watching them fade. It feels so sad and inevitable.

Mine both have full mental capacity, but badly failing bodies.

I don't have all of the answers. Not by any stretch. Mine do have a cleaner, a gardener and a window cleaner. They are also having carers three times a day now who will shower them if required, make the bed, do washing up (no dishwasher) and prepare them a microwave meal at lunchtime.

Their cleaner is a good friend of theirs now and she does their shopping every week.

Fortunately they can afford to pay for this, and their house (the one I grew up in) is a bungalow so has no stairs. They have still needed a lot of support from my sister and I recently as both have been very ill at different times during lockdown and just after it. No choice but to go there. Fortunately nothing Covid related.

We will now just see how things go. I don't like to think too much about the future, but I know we are in for a bumpy ride whatever happens.

It is so hard isn't it? There is no right or wrong way. Just what sort of works or doesn't and feeling your way.

I think one of the hardest things for my parents is losing the ability to control how jobs are done in their house. They physically aren't able to do much any more and my Dad in particular always likes everything absolutely "just so" to within an inch of it's life. They are now having to accept things being done differently by an array of carers and other people.

Hand hold from me too. I am going through much the same with mine. She’s 82 and very recently widowed and I don’t know if the forgetfulness is due to grief or something else. Yesterday she asked me to get a birthday card for a neighbour, wrote it and then asked me three times who it was for.

Thanks, all.
She's much improved physically this week but I worry about her mentally. She says she's had a conversation with her GP and he told her to take a set of meds at a certain time and has apparently put something else on her prescription: she was telling me this afternoon about how she's sure her neighbour in the flat downstairs has got a budgie.

All harmless, but possibly not true. Discussed with her GP, who basically reckons as long as it's not harmful just let it go rather than keep saying "no that's not right - that didn't happen".
I hate treating her like a child.

Hand hold from me too.

My aged parents are in their mid eighties and a couple of hundred miles away. I see them when I can and worry all the time.

I am not enjoying this part of life.

It’s horrible isn’t it. I’ve seen a massive decline in my mum over lockdown. We need to see her specialist but he won’t see anyone until next year. She’s like a shadow of herself. A zombie. I think it’s the medicine to some extent.i think her best friend thinks I’m not doing enough, that she could magically be fixed, which makes me feel worse, but I’m not totally convinced she’ll come back properly from this.

I hate treating her like a child. It's horrible but better than the alternative. If you contradict her, or even try to guide her along the logic, one of two things can happen. She can refuse to believe you're wrong, and then you get into an argument; or you can convince her she's wrong, and this brings her up with a jolt to realised her brain is failing. It won't make her better able to understand things in the future, and will simply cause distress.

@MereDintofPandiculation she wouldn't believe me anyway ;-)
When we're at the point where I would be picking her up on everything in a conversation - no, there isn't a budgie downstairs, no, we've not been on holiday, no, that's not my jumper - I simply agree with her.
On the upside, she walked up to my house yesterday (we're about 500 yards away from each other, I just happen to be uphill) and had a full Sunday roast dinner, and the Junior Engineer taught her how to play Minecraft. So that was nice.
You take what you can get really don't you?

@Cattermole How do you resist the urge to provide snippets that might change her view "that's strange, I was sure you unwrapped that jumper last Christmas" "remind me, where did we go on holiday?" "what do you feed the budgie on?". I've learnt all it does is cause the stories to become even more fantastical and convoluted, but the urge to do it is so strong.

Oh I'd be there all day MereDint because she would have an answer!
You end up questioning yourself eventually - well there MIGHT be a bird downstairs, maybe....