Depressed and dying Dad refusing food and drink

[Woolly17]

Just some background to give some context. My father is in his 70s and has been battling cancer for the last 2.5 yrs. Earlier this year we were told that it was now spreading and that there was a limit to his future options (due to his numerous other health issues). About three weeks ago he took a turn for the worse and became completely aphasic (which we thought might have been another stroke) , sadly it transpired that he has three new tumours this time in his brain. He then had a series of massive epileptic fits (he is already epileptic but tends to have smaller fits and absences) and was in hospital for a few days. He has rallied considerably since then (he's on a lot of steriods to reduce the swelling and on more eplilepsy medication) but has been told that the only option now is palliative care. His oncologist has handed care over to the hospice and his GP.

Last night my father said he no longer wanted any food or drink as there was no point.

He is angry that he wasn't offered radiotherapy, which he had for his other (unrelated but benign) other tumour on his brain a couple of years ago. The side effects were brutal and he lost use of an eye. He's ready to continue fighting this but the doctors are not.

What do I do? How do I support my mum? How do I keep it together for my children (3yrs and 11months). Apart from Marie Curie are there any other resources out there that might help me get a handle on this?

My mum refused food and then drink. She had capacity and just wanted to die. It took a long time for her to achieve this and it was heartbreaking to watch but it was her decision.

My father is doing the same thing, he had a stroke 6 years ago and moved into assisted living. In March he broke his thigh, and due to the pandemic was moved to a nursing home, with no rehab he is completely bed bound and catheterised, also has a dementia and Alzheimer's diagnosis which is starting to show the smaller signs of memory loss etc.

He's stopped eating and has lost about 14kg since March, in itself it's not a huge amount as he was a rather rotund man.

The home do their best with nutritional drinks and tempting him with cheese toasties but I have said that although they must offer I would prefer they don't upset him and force the issue.

If this is the way he wants to go out, I have to just support him in it. He has capacity to decide for now and so I'll respect his choice, regardless of the devastation I feel.

It's so tough, I really feel for you! I also have a toddler and now a 3 month old that he has never (and may never) met.

Sending you

MrsFoggy to you too. Fingers crossed he meets his new grandchild - even if it's hoping against all reason.

Do you think it would be worth asking the GP to talk your Dad, or you, through why only palliative care was advised? (Ideally the oncologist would have done this - maybe they didn't, maybe they did but it didn't sink in, maybe the GP might get them to have a chat even though care has been handed over).

Failing that, ringing up some of the brain cancer charities' helplines and seeing if there's someone who would talk your Dad, or you, through why radiotherapy wasn't offered?

I realise either would take time that maybe you don't have spare - if you have a friend who wants to help and is sensible, they could ring charities and take notes.
Another question the charities and mutual support forums might help with is how long might he have and what symptoms may show up.
A relative died of brain cancer and his final days were so distressing to see that his wife, a very down to earth churchgoing OAP of the oldest of schools, went to get therapy afterwards as it haunted her.
Your Dad may be fearing this scenario - if he's correct then his decision is understandable - but if he's not, someone should set him right.
It's an awful awful situation and from my experience just make life as easy for yourself as you can - if that means disposable nappies, online shops, instant food & takeaways and everyone asleep in front of Peppa Pig then go for it. I also recommend very easy fiction at bedtime - whatever the modern equivalent of Georgette Heyer is - helps you settle down to sleep.