Toxic parent

[Rosauk]

Hello everyone,
I apologise for this long post.
My mother hasn’t been a great mother to me in many way and I feel awful saying that. For example she allowed her bf to abuse me violently and sexually from ages 3-teen. I told her and she called me a lair. She would leave me behind when I was 8 to be a “ family” with her bf and their child, I wasn’t even allowed to my siblings birthday party because they wanted to be a family without me.
My mother was very abusive to me physically and emotionally. The abuse wouldn’t continue daily as I reach an adult (20’s) but she is still very aggressive and nasty at times. I had Covid this year which ended up with me having two months off work and not being able to walk. She knew this and not once asked me how I was coping being a single mother being so ill.

She has a relationship with my children but I will never fully trust her for their safety and would never allow her to mistreat them. Sometimes she can be nasty but I take my children away from the situation when she is like this.

I call her to check on her most days but she doesn’t call me. Should I step back? After her not contacting me when I was taken into hospital and knowing how ill I was it seems to have opened my eyes. My children are too young I feel to understand our relationship but I believe they understand it’s not the same as our relationship which is supportive and loving. I need some advice on what I should do for the better, stepping away from her or continue to try?
Thank you!

You should step away. She abused you and let her bf abuse you. She is an abuser. She is selfish. She will only bring more hurt and unhappiness. I would stop contacting her, she doesnt call you or worry about you. I would seriously reconsider letting her see your dc knowing she can be nasty. You have tried to have a relationship with her but she will never change. I think a lot of people will admire your inner strength but wonder why you bother with her at all.
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Thank you for replying. It’s so difficult because I feel you are 100% right inside but the bit that holds on is the loyalty part. I feel I’m doing wrong if I don’t help her or check on her. I will try to do what you suggested. Thank you again x

Its hard and you sound a very caring person. She wasnt there when you needed her most and didnt protect you. It would be different if she accepted her part and made amends.

It's really difficult to step away from abusive parents because of that part of you that always wants to be loyal and blame yourself. If you need a way to feel easier about cutting contact, focus less on how it affects you and more how it affects your children. You can't, in good faith, keep an abusive adult around your children when you fear for their safety -- if you can, how does this differentiate you from your mum letting her partner abuse you? I know it's pretty brutal to think about, but if your mum ever has character growth and your children want to be in communication with her at a later time then they can do that - as adults. For now, your job is protecting their safety above all else. Best of luck xx

Thank you.
My mother is no longer with her bf he was always married and she was the affair for 20 years. He left her for another women and she hasn’t had a bf since.

We have argued regarding the past because I feel that I could heal if you owned to her behaviour. In the argument he said she was sorry for hurting me if I believe that’s what she did. She said she didn’t remember anything that I had said and apologised using the words “ if you think I did this then I’m sorry for hurting you”.
Before I became ill this year in another argument she said that I lied about the abuse. I felt like this was so hurtful because she knows that isn’t true and she knows how abusive he was. She is 99% lovely to my children and shows them love and affection but when she wants to she can be nasty which I see in slight remarks now and again. My children are aware that she can be childish and finds it difficult to control her emotions and behaviour which is what I have said to them. I would never ever of seen her again if she was with her bf and not would she ever know my children. I can’t fully trust her because of the hate she has shown me on many occasions and as a mother now I know that is not how you treat your children or anyone else. I see her as being mentally unwell because I can’t imagine any women giving birth to a child and then treating them so poorly if you are well.

My mother can be sweet to me and has helped me in the past financially which I can never repay her but I try to as best I can with helping her and doing what I can for her.

There is a really big part of me that is that broken child who struggles with knowing my own mother doesn’t really love me but there is another part of me that wants to be a better person and try to forgive even if she isn’t sorry.
I know that probably makes me not the best parent but I wouldn’t let her hurt my children or let them know what she has done to me.

Block her on everything and move house with no forwarding address.

She sounds horrible. She's a paedophile apologist, and I wouldn't want her around my children for a second.

If there are things you wouldn't do to your own kids, don't let her do them either. Most people's abusive parents are nice some (or even most) of the time, it's why it's so hard to detach from them as an adult. I think you need to figure out if the positives of sometimes having quite a nice mum / grandma outweigh the negatives of putting your children and yourself at risk. She has shown no remorse for her behaviour, and essentially gas lighted you into believing nothing bad happened. Would you let her do this to your children?

I can't imagine how difficult it is being a single mum, but I don't have to imagine how difficult it is being around abusive adults as a small child. When you work through your misdirected loyalty to your mum, I think you know what's the best for your kids . You have all the love they could ever need, you just have to protect them. xx

that broken child who struggles with knowing my own mother doesn’t really love
...
anyone

It sounds like it's her not you.
Look, if she were a next door neighbour rather than a relative, what would you do then? Not saying you should do that, more that it can help to look at the situation from different angles.

Your right if she wasn’t my mother I would never speak with her again and she wouldn’t know my children.
I don’t think she has remorse. She wasn’t a good parent and as children we should have been removed from her care.

I don’t believe my children are at risk of harm from her but because she has a sharp tongue and can be aggressive in her manner I am aware of that. I don’t leave my children with her anymore. She has never baby sat them and since being a mother myself I have never been away from them not even for a night. Hearing other views is helping a lot.
Thank you so much x

Your mother belongs in prison, you should keep well away from her

"that broken child who struggles with knowing my own mother doesn’t really love me but there is another part of me that wants to be a better person and try to forgive even if she isn’t sorry"

Rosauk, would it help you heal if you understood that it's not that she doesn't really love you. She cannot love you. It isn't in her, like a disability. She can play roles- she played the role of loving family with her BF and child. She can't actually love. She's doing a good job of playing 'loving grandma', but it isn't real.

The woman you want for a mum isn't earl and isn't there. You would have very right to walk away and have nothing to do with her ever again.
What's the situation with your half sib?

My sister I see and have a relationship with but it’s not very close as she is very much like my mother and can also be extremely aggressive. We do argue a lot and there seems to be some jealousy with her and that’s what makes her toxic.

Your right my mum cannot fully love not probably. I really do want to step back and live my life without her telling me I’m not worth anything. I am trying really hard to step back.

It's worth taking time to think carefully about the ins and outs of it, and work out what you want to do. I decided to stay in touch with mine, but very low contact. Unfortunately when my dad died they needed a lot of support, and as she is now an elderly widowed little old lady, I'm back involved again. It's at my choice and to an extent I can manage with my other responsibilities and my own health. Covid has been an absolute blessing. I've had about 6 months off- just regular phone contact (she doesn't leave near by).

Work out what would be right for you, a decision you can stand by. Work out what your boundaries are- mine were about my children. If she ever did anything to undermine them I would have taken steps.

Then follow your own counsel.

I agree with the others OP, you owe her nothing and you have to put yourself and your children first.

If you friend came to you with a similar dilemma, what would you tell her?

Please take a look and post your concerns on the Stately Homes thread in Relationships
It's a really supportive thread, full of wise, experienced people who have gone through very similar problems to you, (and me)(www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread

Thank you all so much.
I can’t tell you how much this has helped me. The Covid situation has allowed distance which was helpful for me. I do live very near her as when I moved she found a job near me and moved close (5 minutes away). I need to tell myself daily that she isn’t well just so it doesn’t hurt to talk with her as her mouth can be spiteful.
I want to step back but I feel I will be the only one who supports her as she ages.
One thing I believe I have decided is that if she needs full clearing for in the future I know I can’t do that. I looked after her mother my grandmother for 5 plus years when she got dementia while working and being a new mother. My grandmother is now in a nursing home but I still do everything she needs as her daughters didn’t step up. I know I can’t do that for my mother I honestly believe it would kill me so I’m putting that line up now.
Thank you for all your support it’s meant so much.

I want to step back but I feel I will be the only one who supports her as she ages
it's you or her...don't let it be you, not anymore
dont let her be your problem, stand well back and whomever she falls upon will have to act.
(dont let her fall on you!)

So, she didn't do it for her mother?

Have you heard of grey rock? Have a look online, it's helpful. It's a way of relating to narcissistic people that protects you from their interest. You make yourself look uninteresting and don't give them any material to work with.

So you don't tell them you are on a diet, or planning a holiday, or like the new trousers you are wearing. That just gives them opportunities to get at you. You talk about the weather, act vague, don't ask their opinion or give yours.

When her mother become ill she would call me up and tell me to go which was fine as I wouldn’t of wanted to leave me grandmother ill but I then realised as the years went on if she visited her or had to do something for her she becomes extra aggressive. Now she visits her because I put pressure on her to do so because she is in her mid 90’s.

I’m interested in (grey rock) I struggle with handling my mother and not coming away feeling either cross or upset. Also being able to handle her for my children.

I know she isn’t able to truly love or care fully it’s like someone mentioned it’s a role she tries to play but she struggles with that.

What she wants is for it to look as if she has a close family and relationships.
We go through the motions with things that don't cost us much, and she settles down nicely.

So mine would like me to live next door, go shopping with her, run when she calls. I live on the other side of the country so I look things up on the internet for her, order things she's struggling to find (hairnets etc). When she comes to visit I buy things I know she likes and put flowers in her room. I tell her I've done all these things. She feels like she has a good, loving daughter. That's a cheap price to pay.

You'll find there are things you can do that appease her that don't cost you much at all in terms of emotion or effort.
If you keep her out of your emotional life, she won't notice And she won't be able to use it against you.

It isn't how relationships should work, but it's close enough for her to feel success which is all she wants.

This is assuming your DM works like mine does, of course.

It sounds like your DM has a personality disorder. I know a woman who has this disorder, she too allowed her husband to sexual abuse one of her children.
Now she is blaming the grown up child for the abuse.
These type of people are so toxic, there's nothing you can do to make them better people.

Your dc should not carry the burden of having a relationship with a woman who abused you. I am nc with my dm. She has no relationship with my dc..
Why would I facilitate such a relationship? My adult dc still choose not to see her..
You owe her nothing at all op.

I agree with your post she is a toxic person. I have started to step away, my children are not left with her anymore to be honest they haven’t been left with her for a long time now. I am polite when I have to be but she doesn’t call or text really so that part it easy. I am really trying to see her not as my mother but someone who is ill and I think that is helping me. The comments left have been so helpful to me and I am so very grateful. I will keep trying to to take a step back and keep moving forward. Thank you!!!!

Ohhh my god. Dump your mother and don't look back! Jesus woman, I want to hug you 😭 a previous commenter said your mother should be in prison - I agree. You don't owe her another second of your life and you don't owe her a relationship with your kids. In fact it sounds like you owe it to your kids to keep them away from such a horrible, selfish, toxic person ❤️

Thank you bunter, I do feel that way when I’m level headed and I’m thinking of what I would advise someone like myself but inside stops me from acting that way. What she has done is unforgettable and unforgivable. She will never be the mother she should of been and she can’t take back what she has done more so as she refuses to admit her wrong doings and still blames me. I don’t think someone who could put a child through such abuse is well. As a mother there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to protect my children I can never understand a mother that allows abuse and takes part in it.
I can’t tell you how much it has meant to be so open on here without the shame and judgment. Thank you all.