Retirement villages / assisted living / someone living in

[artisanparsnips]

This board was an amazing help when my mother was ill and died a few years ago, and now I have another question.

My stepmother is 81, in fine health and walks daily but her memory is gradually going (and she admits this). For the last ten years since my father died, she's lived alone in a large house in the Cotswolds. But now she is getting lonely and worried about if she gets ill.

There's a granny flat with the house, so she could have someone to live in but I worry with this about vetting and her being taken advantage of.

She's über social, and I think would do very well in the kind of retirement village which could provide more care and cooking if she needed it, and she is up for the idea. What are the pros and cons of this? It is expensive, but so is running a huge house with someone doing the gardening for her. And she has a pension plus capital in the house.

Or is it better to find someone reputable to live in with her?

I have a very elderly aunt and uncle living in a retirement complex near me. They do have kids, my cousins, but they live 100+ miles away so some of the day-to-day help and care falls to me.
The flats are owner occupied and self contained and you can come and go as you please, but there is a reception desk which is manned 24 hours a day (and each flat has emergency cords to pull in each room if urgent help is needed), lounge where morning coffee is served and activities laid on, a restaurant which opens for lunch and will deliver meals on a tray to those who can't come in person, a laundry, lovely communal gardens, a handyman who will help with small jobs around the home (some of these services are obviously "chargeable extras") and you even get a weekly cleaner included as part of your service charge.
We - me and the cousins - all feel very reassured by the extra level of support and it makes supporting their needs manageable even despite our own kids and jobs and in my cousins' case, the distance.
It's not cheap though... service charges on the flat are over £500 / month (London).

I think if she is sociable and likely to join in the activities on offer, a retirement complex with graduated care available as her needs increase is a better option than live in care, where there will be a small number of people to interact with regularly.
Memory loss if pretty normal but if it tips into dementia she would probably require more care than such a retirement village could offer but some do have the option of an on-site care home facility as well.
Like everything, do your research and make sure all the legal clauses are understood.

Hello, sorry to hear about your Mum and step-Mum, this must be hard. Of your 3 options, personally I would prefer sheltered housing/assisted living for one of my relatives. Swanky retirement villages (around here anyway) can seem to sell a dream of active retirement living but are super expensive to buy into, have really sky high service charges which relate to things like maintaining swimming pools which some of the residents never even use (and if you are a swimmer and able to get about a bit, you can buy gym membership much more cheaply compared to paying £££ for one on site). Plus most seem to only be suitable for people who are mainly independent and don't always provide (or easily provide anyway) additional care and support if the resident has some issues and starts to need personal care and help with things like washing/dressing/medication. Around here anyway they are also all in villages or right on the edge of town which just makes life that much more difficult for shopping, healthcare, socialising etc. compared to being in the town itself (even if step-Mum drives now, it's wise to plan on that not being the case forever). I've known several people struggle to sell on retirement flats in these villages once they are no longer brand new as well.

My (disabled) Mum has recently moved into a really lovely brand-new sheltered housing complex and we are really pleased with the decision so far. It's been really nicely done (doesn't feel institutional or like a care home, which TBF some of the older complexes do, this one would feel more like a nice hotel or a upmarket spa to walk around), it's big enough with something like 200 residents that there is a good social scene (helped along but not forced on anyone by on-site managers), there is a cafe, restaurant, hairdressers and several nicely looked after garden spaces on-site (but crucially nothing like a gym which would add £££ to maintain), residents can also get involved in the gardening if they wish. It's in the town centre which may not be exactly what your step Mum wants if she's used to be in the countryside or a village but suits us all very well for her being able to still visit her friends and family/have visitors (after lockdown!), go for a walk to the park, out shopping etc. Crucially there are on-site carers 24/7, you don't have to buy any extra care if you don't need it (or you can just have cleaning/laundry/shopping done and no personal care), but it's really comforting to know that if things deteriorate and she does need more help, she can hopefully stay there longer term compared to somewhere which would basically shrug its shoulders and say 'our complex is only for people who are independent'...

The live-in option, I guess it could work for someone who is still relatively able to look after themselves, but I would be a bit cautious, I think it's a lot of trust/responsibility to put on one person and you would need to hire very very carefully, and set really good boundaries which can be hard with someone living in. Everyone would need to understand and agree what the carers duties are and when they are 'on duty' and when not. E.g. if they are expected to do a full days work doing all the housework, cooking, shopping and errands, I don't think your SM could then reasonably expect them to take her out or sit with her/make cups of tea etc. in the evenings as well - but if SM is getting forgetful or is a bit demanding/lonely I can well see that might be hard to understand. And what would happen on weekends, or if there's an issue overnight - you can't expect someone to be on-call 24/7 just because they live in? Plus as you say SM is very sociable, just having the one person around all the time might get a bit jarring/claustrophobic, even if you strike lucky and find someone she gets on really well with (not a guarantee, just because someone is a good carer doesn't mean they will automatically 'click' with SM), being with only one other person all the time would test the patience of a saint IMO...

I think if your SM really wants to stay at home, I think what I would actually try is getting a couple of different people/services in to support her, as far as money allows. So maybe in addition to gardener, you could get meals delivered, a cleaner, send laundry out or get cleaner to do it, a red button/pendent service for emergencies, and then maybe a couple of 'helper'/'carer' visits a week to facilitate social time - doesn't have to be same person every time, but maybe someone with a car who can help her get out and about more?

good luck, hope you sort it

Thanks everyone, I completely get the point about one person vs many and I think this is really important, although there is a bit of her which wants to stay in her home forever.

If she does choose this, I think we will do as you suggest @maxelly, although she is pretty good at Ocado and Amazon, so it's mostly cleaning and gardening. She does have a pendant, and help, from a married couple, she cleans he gardens, but they are both older than her (really) so it's more like co-dependence and clearly won't go on forever.

But I think she is really missing company - I am the closest to her and even we are 2 hours drive away - and so I think she could get a lot out of a retirement complex if she moved soon, she loves to chat, and do crosswords and have coffee with people. The couple I have found which look good both provide continuing care, but will bear in mind to only look for facilities she uses.

In terms of towns vs villages, she currently lives on the edge of a very hilly village, and one of the places is actually closer to the centre of a nearby town, so would be easier for her than where she currently is. This is one of my worries; if she stops driving, which she will, and her friends do too, which they will, she will be v isolated. Any retirement complex would be better than that.

Mil lives in an assisted living flat. And it was brilliant for her and us. Very social and care was bought as she needed it.

But: be aware of ground rent charges and services charges. Also the charges levied when you have to sell. For us the peace of mind was worth it. They are not a care home replacement, but ideal for those who need tlc and have lower health care needs that may otherwise see them isolated in their original home.

Lived. Not lives

My MIL moved from a large farmhouse into a retirement flat in a block and lasted 3 months. It was beautifully maintained with lovely gardens but it was just too much of communal living. She’s now happily settled in a bungalow that’s ‘retirement’ so garden and maintenance are done + she has help 3 times a week and gets ‘meals on wheels’ some days. She prefers this set up as she feels more independent but she’s made friends with neighbours and found new activities in the area. Having the bungalow and private garden was easier to adjust to than a flat after all the space she’d had.