Elderly relative become completely dependant during lockdown

[Blueringedoctopus]

Has anyone got any suggestions as to how I get previously independant relative to regain at least some of her independance? My OH and I have accidentally become sole carers for an 87 y.o. relative of my dad's (he died years ago so can't assist). Pre-covid she did all her own shopping and was able to get to and from the doctors. During lockdown we took on all her shopping and collecting her prescriptions. We are her only relatives and live walking distance from her in a large village with shops. She is completely OK mentally but has no internet (and won't let us get it put in). Since March she has left the house twice to walk to the village. Once to us and once to the doctors. She used to go into the village at least 3x a week. As a result her fitness has plummeted and she has become noticeably more wobbly on her feet. We have tried repeatedly to get her to go for a walk around the block but she just won't do it. She has a sholly that she uses for balance and for carrying her stuff but I'm now concerned even with that she isn't fit enough to get to the shops and back.

I work as does my DH and we have secondary aged kids. She thinks because we are all at home we aren't doing anything. We are happy to continue helping out with the big shop but it's getting very stressful that she won't attempt to do anything now. I'm really concerned she's going to fall and have had this discussion with her but she's adamant she won't and that anyway I'll have plenty more time in September when the kids go back to school . She's a lovely lady but she is driving me crackers. Any advice gratefully recieved.

Youre bith going to have to be strong and say you can no longet help in the same way. Continue to do the big shop if you want to and youre going anyway, prescriotions can be delivered, could you do online shopping for her if she gives you a list and have it delivered to her house instead. She will just get worse and the more dependent she is the less she will do. Has she said why she wont go out anymore. You could suggest she sees her dr about reduced mobility and see if she might benefit from an assessment. Is she afraid of falling or in pain that stops her doing anything.

Sounds like her confidence has gone as well as physical inactivity causing problems with balance etc.
Have you just suggested she goes out for a walk or have you suggested going for a walk with her ( SD if necessary). I have a neighbour who goes for a walk with his dad, his dad is very independent and doesn’t want his son to walk with him but the son walks at a distance and keeps an eye on him, his dad is happy with this.
If she is able to walk to yours could you walk with her the first day, meet her halfway the second etc and build it up. Could you arrange a little tea party to encourage her to come round, so that she is ready to be more social when any local clubs, libraries etc open up. Does she have any local friends that you could suggest she meets up with SD of course. If you are worried about her balance and maybe falling would she consider a personal alarm thing, we arranged this for my mum, a local charity part of the local council came round and assessed my mums needs (she is a bit deaf) she has a pendant alarm and a watch alarm Which have a range that covers her house and both back and front gardens she has smoke/ carbon monoxide detectors that flashes as well as makes a noise and a vibrating pad under her pillow linked to the detectors. She says it has given her so much piece of mind and she is no longer scared of taking a shower as she can take the alert with her to press if she needs help.
You will need to start weaning her off you being constantly available for her so start dropping hints now.
It would be a kindness to continue to do online shopping for her even if it’s only once a month for the heavy awkward things Then she could just pick up small bits of fresh items as and when.
If she is still able does she have a skill? Maybe baking, knitting or sewing? Local charities are trying to do fundraising remotely or online and she could maybe help with that? Anything to get her involved or interested in something else.

Oh I forgot to mention for my mums alarm system there is a small monthly charge rather than buying any equipment so repair or replacement is covered, my mum reckons it’s money well spent.

Have you been clear with her about what you can and can't do? You will also need to untangle whether she has become so needy because she is lonely and likes the contact with your family, or if she is just being a CF (yes, you can be a CF at 87 as many of us know).

I assume she has no other family to lean on?

It's inevitable you're going to have to take some tasks on, but you do need to be clear about what you can't do and stick to it. When problems arise find other solutions (prescriptions can be delivered by the pharmacy, NHS volunteers will take over the shopping, Age UK will help find activities/clubs etc).

anyway I'll have plenty more time in September when the kids go back to school

I presume she has actually said this?

What did you say in response?

Are there any volunteer organisations in and around the village. We have which provides help and support for the elderly and / or vulnerable. Works well, and provides some respite for family members.

@redlocks28 she really did say this 😱 It's so complicated. She's unmarried and has no children. She's also an only child and we are her only relatives. I don't want to abandon her but she is trying to divest herself of any responsibility for anything. She has lots of friends and spends most of the day on the phone talking to them so I don't think loneliness is an issue. Main problem is how demanding she is. If she wants something doing it has to be done now. If I push back she gets quite nasty and will tell me I am causing her to lose sleep etc. She cannot or will not accept that working from home is a thing. Nor will she provide proper shopping lists so it isn't unknown for us to drop shopping off only for her to go through it and reel off a whole load of other stuff she now needs. The supermarket is a 16 mile round trip. When challenged on this she'll claim either she didn't know we were going shopping (?) or that she "doesn't want to discuss it". I think part of the problem is she has enjoyed us doing everything for her, coupled with the fact she hadn't realised how quickly her fitness has dropped. Her current plan is to try to go to the shop in 4 weeks. We cannot get to the bottom of how she has drawn up this arbitrary plan - other than it's in the future.

If I push back she gets quite nasty and will tell me I am causing her to lose sleep etc

I’d ignore that, I’m afraid-she sounds like she is being v manipulative. I’d keep echoing that you’re working from home and really busy.

If you feel you have to do her shopping, tell her you’re going every Friday and she needs to ring her list/send you a photo of it to you Thursday night. If she thinks of other things, they can wait till the next Friday’s shop.

Be repetitive and firm and don’t waver!

Thanks all. @CovidSadness she has a beeper she wears so if she falls at home we will know (which is good). I like the idea of getting her round to our house in stages. I feel like I'm going to have to design an enrichment programme like they do in the zoo to rehabilitate captive animals .

Really, like a lot of middle aged women I am feeling very put upon and in desparate need of a holiday!

She sounds like she enjoys being the maiden aunt. Why doesnt she meet up with her friends, she can invite them over for tea. With the shopping list is it written down, get the same bulk buy each week or month then she can have a top up delivery.

@ClamDango you've got the nail on the head. Unfortunately most of her friends don't live near her (she moved here to be closer to my dad and us and then he died). She won't have people in the house and tbh the house isn't in the greatest shape for receiving visitors (very smelly/dirty but she won't have a cleaner - it's safe enough to live in, but unless you love the smell of cat you wouldn't want to linger), plus she can't really cook. As you can probably tell there is a huge pile of issues here. Her socialising really focuses on the phone.

Is it possible she is starting to show symptoms of dementia?

@ineedaholidaynow no she's fully mentally alert (amazing memory). My gran had dementia so we know the signs. She's lived on her own for 40+ years since her parents died and is just very set in her ways. She's 87 so we allow her some foibles but it's all got a bit much of late. I think the fact that my siblings don't help and my mum has abdicated all involvement (she was my dad's cousin) and mum "jokes" about me inheriting her.

[quote Blueringedoctopus]@ineedaholidaynow no she's fully mentally alert (amazing memory). My gran had dementia so we know the signs. She's lived on her own for 40+ years since her parents died and is just very set in her ways. She's 87 so we allow her some foibles but it's all got a bit much of late. I think the fact that my siblings don't help and my mum has abdicated all involvement (she was my dad's cousin) and mum "jokes" about me inheriting her.[/quote]
Can you contact the local Council Adult Care Services to see what help they can provide? Tell them VERY clearly what help you can and cannot provide and go from there? I'm afraid you'll also need to continue to be clear and firm with your relative too. Try and manage her expectations - eg her thinking you'll have loads of time in September. I have a similar problem and I've had to insist other siblings step up, which has helped me mentally, to some degree. 🌹

Can't you just stop responding so frequently and start to manage her expectations? Tell her you will go shopping every 10 days. Aside from that just don't answer unless it's an emergency.

Who cares if she guilt trips you?

Would she enjoy meeting up with a volunteer to sort the house out or something like a Church group or the WRVS.

This unfortunately has been the effect of lockdown for lots of elderly people, at 87 it will be considerably difficult for her to get back to functioning as she was especially without specialist help, it may be unrealistic to expect that she will be able to
Go back to being as she was but this doesn’t make it your responsibility to do everything for her, sounds as if she genuinely doesn’t realise that it’s becoming difficult for you to manage your own household and hers as well,
A lot of people who live alone do become sometimes (accidentally sometimes ) quite selfish! would you be able to have a sit down and have a chat to her to explain that although you are able to visit and do one shop a week ( or whatever is manageable for you) that you can’t do the extra stuff, but you will help her organise someone else to do this for her.
If you ring adult social care for your local authority you will be able to request a care act assessment and they will be able to identify and assess what help she needs and how often and will be able to
Organise a package of care for her (depending on her finances she may or may not have to pay for this) obviously she will need to be onboard and in agreement for this.
Difficult as it may be you need to
Make it clear that you can’t continue all that you do.

Lie. Tell her you are going back to the office full time next week so will only be able to do one shop a week for her. Any top ups she will have to manage herself.

Old people can be very manipulative. She knows exactly what she is doing so don't feel guilty. Only offer what you are happy with and nothing more otherwise you will resent her.

She sounds delightful! It must be great being so judgey while not juggling work, children and other people’s demands. Combined with her being rude and demanding. I would take a massive step back and not let her be a CF. Plus if you dont use it, you lose it so it’s better for her to get more independent again

@EL8888 your comments made me laugh. It's been very reassuring to know I'm not being hateful to try and get her literally back on her feet.

@dooratheexplorer that is a fabulous idea. Back to the office I go

When my mum became unable to do her own shopping I typed out a check list of everything she normally buys and all she has to do is tick what she needs and write anything extra on. We now have a regular slot with Asda for delivery every two weeks. Would something similar work with your relative? That would then start to distance you from physically having to go shopping whilst she still gets what she needs. I also think it's a great idea to say that you are going back to the office to work. I'm also in this vicious circle of falls-loss of confidence-loss of muscle tone/strength in legs with my mum. Today I've rung our local Care Navigators who are taking it to a multi-agency meeting tomorrow to see what help/further assessments they can provide. Please take heart that you are not being a 'bad' person by trying to set boundaries - my GP told me that's exactly what I have to do. I also have had to stand up to my very stubborn mum and tell her the consequences if she doesn't do/agree to something - such as we are now in the position where she needs to start moving around less she is eventually going to become bed-ridden. She's not happy with me, but I no longer let it upset me.

Sorry, I meant to say that she needs to start moving around more, less she is eventually going to become bedridden.