Persuading mum to go into a home

[MrsPresley]

Hi hope this won't be too long, apologies in advance if it is
Short story, mum has been in hospital for almost 3 months and discharged a week ago. When she went in, her sugar levels were dangerously low, incontinent and pneumonia.
She is also asmathic and has copd and has cellulitis? In her legs, nurses were coming every 2/3 days to clean and dress. I've no idea how they didn't realise how ill she was getting! And we didn't notice because of covid we had only seen her through the window! She's 79. Dad is 86

Anyway she's now home, has carers in 4 times a day and my dad. She can't do anything for herself, ie she can't take her meds, go to the toilet, still doubly incontinent, dad cleaning her up between carer visits. I cook all his meals, she doesn't eat... At all! She has drinks to take 3 times a day but rarely finishes them!
My dad can't cope! He tries but he can't.

I get called during the night because shes stuck on the toilet or soiled the bed! I live close by but I'm exhausted!

I've asked her GP about a care home, he says she need to agree, she won't because she says my dad can look after her. He can't but doesn't want to upset her!
I don't know what to do anymore.

Various Dr's and nurses have asked her what she can do ie dress, shower etc she says she can but she can't and they don't ask to see her do theses things. She looks awful, no colour, constantly cold.
My dad can't care for her anymore, I can't do it either. How can we persuade her that she'll be better looked after in a care home?

I honestly think that would be the best thing for her, at least the carers would be able to see how ill she gets.

Suggesting respite was the key with MIL. A week to give us all a rest. She didn't want to come back.

Hello
I'm no expert, but am experiencing something fairly similar to you. It sounds like your mum is on standard package of care for discharged patients.

When we had this, after a few weeks adult social care came to visit to see how it was going. They were great and could see it was not enough. Do you have a number for social care? It is likely that your mum is on a waiting list to be contacted but if you call first, they may get to you sooner. They do wait for a few weeks because they want to see how you are getting on with the care package.
They can outline any alternatives - for example, hiring your own carers at hours that suit you. They can talk to you about finances. And care homes / nursing homes.

Regarding homes, I was told firstly, the threshold is very high for going to one, and secondly the wishes of my dad were paramount but he had to understand the consequences of continuing as we are.
Thirdly, they said organising respite care was far quicker and easier than being assessed for care homes.

Age UK are very good for info.

I hope you can find someone to help you!

You also need to gather "evidence" - ie keep a detailed day by day diary of everything that happens, every bit of care that fails. For some reason, telling social workers that "dad has to clean her up between carer visits, lacks colour and is cold" isn't evidence, but "Tuesday 11am soiled, dad cleaned; Tues 8pm soiled, dad cleaned, Weds 10am, pale complexion, hands numb, skin on chest cold to touch" is.

With your dad on the scene it may be difficult for you to be involved in the decision making, but there's no reason at all why you shouldn't make your concerns known to social services - write an overall summary including your particular concerns, and put all the evidence as an appendix.