Very First steps help please-don't know where to start

[FairiesWillFly]

Hi all, my father has shown increasing signs of memory loss, repeating himself more and more, becoming anxious, losing things etc and it's getting worse. My mum lives with him and is struggling to cope. She finds even small difficulties hard to cope with and I'm not sure how resilient she is. She has already been very tearful and said she wants to run away at times.

What am I dealing with here Alzheimer's?Dementia? Dad is 77. I want to help her cope, give her a book, leaflet, helplines etc but I simply don't know where to start.

I know that certain medications can help can someone explain that to me? She is not wanting to speak to the dr as she feels it is disloyal. My dad is totally lovely and I know he probably knows a bit that's going on and feels sad. He tells her he loves her all the time now to compensate so she feels even more guilty about the feelings she is experiencing.

Start of the road here, but really could do with some guidance. Thankyou all x

Sorry this happening OP.
Even though your mother doesn’t want to do it, the first port of call is the GP. I would call his GP and have a chat about how to proceed. Does he have any other health issues like high blood pressure ? It sounds as though he has signs of dementia but impossible to know which type without a brain scan. A general health check is a good idea now.
With vascular dementia there might be repeated small dips, with periods of time where nothing much changes, so he could stay at this “slightly forgetful“ level for some time. It isn’t always a speedy slope downwards.
Your Mum is probably very worried and upset, and may want to block out what is happening, but getting advice now is a good idea. If he gets much worse then they may need some support from social services, but for now the GP should be able to advise on any medication he may need.

It might not be dementia, it might be normal elderly memory loss. Or it might be physiological - various things, illnesses and vitamin/mineral deficiencies can exacerbate memory problems. Our GP's approach is 1) blood tests to rule out any physiological cause 2) referral to memory clinic, first for a short screening test (sometimes the GP administers this), then, if that highlights problems, a longer series of tests administers over several visits.

You could "be disloyal" and write to your dad's GP - he won't be able to enter into conversation with you, but he might suggest something to your dad. On the other hand, he might be terrified of dementia and all that it implies and prefer to remain in ignorance, and that is his right.

Self-help - start with the Alzheimers site for information and for advice for carers
www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Se if you can persuade your dad to increase his amount of exercise, and to keep connected with life and learning new things.

There will likely be a carers support group in your area - you may be able to tap into that even without a diagnosis.

The emphasis today is on keeping people in their own home as long as possible, and there's a lot of technology to help make this possible.

What exactly is your mum finding difficult to cope with?

You need to discuss with him, start with things that he knows and admits are different - he may be trying very hard to convince himself that nothing has changed. Let him know that there are other things that could cause the symptoms, and they can be dealt with, so it's worth seeing a GP for that. And let him know that it won't have to mean a home the instant he receives a diagnosis.

You don’t say where you are but if nobody holds power of attorney for your parents now is when you need to arrange that. Before he loses capacity.

Big girl pants time. Get in touch with a lawyer about poa. Of course speak to DPs too but no faffing, do it now or it will cost a lot of money in the future.
I'm not sure there is a magic wand for Alzheimers but trying to protect DF's feelings and DM's lack of acceptance is not helping anyone.
Urine infections can cause confusion etc - perhaps use this as as the very sensible reason to get DF to the GP, and I would suggest going in with him as DM might not be trusted to be honest with the doctor.
My DF had dementia and the doctors seemed to accept his insistence that he was fine without digging deeper - it was when I mentioned his confusion and hallucinations that the GP arranged tests etc.

There is really no need for a lawyer to do POA. I know because we asked our family lawyer who encouraged us to do it ourselves

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

You do need a friend or neighbour (outside the family) to certify and witnesses for the signatures, but you can all witness each other's signatures.

otherwise it's plain sailing.

It’s ok all the POA was sorted ages ago :)