My v frustrating 82 yo mum and where she should live...

[Anonymum40]

My mum has been on her own since my dad died last May. It's been a tough time and a lot for her to get used to.

She was adamant from day one that she couldn't live on her own. We were even visiting potential sheltered accommodation in my dad's dying days! She has seen numerous sheltered flats, care homes and a retirement village but she's too nervous to commit to any of them. The frustrating thing is she gets so bored at home (Covid hasn't helped), that she says she wants to move. We go on a spree of visiting flats and care homes and then she settles on one, then she gets The Fear, then announces she's definitely staying at home where she feels safe. Until a couple of weeks later when she's back to being bored again.

She has very few friends and seems very nervous about trying to make new ones. In the meantime, she has me and my sister seeing her once or twice a week each (and my sis lives about 60 miles away) to take her out, sort out her garden, cook her meals etc.

So in short, I could be cynical and say she has us exactly where she wants us. Entertaining all her whims and not making any efforts herself. But she's never happy (I know she's recently widowed....) but she's not even very appreciative and that is driving us mad. My sister is convinced she is has a narcissistic personality disorder.

She's not too bad physically and can live alone (she has an alarm, key safe etc), so not really in need of nursing, but is lonely and bored. Her sole mission in life was looking after her husband and now she really doesn't know what to do with herself, with very few interests and hobbies.

Any words or wisdom from anyone who's been in this situation appreciated...

I would say cut her some slack she is 82 years old and just lost her husband. Moving away rom the home she shared with him will be very scary. Would she be able to rent in a retirement village and rent out her home on a short term basis that way she doesnt feel the move is absolutely final. Then she can decide to sell up and buy or move back. Baby steps.

Are there any local day centres she could attend where she could make friends maybe?

It sounds like staying in her own home is possible and it could just be the grief after losing your dad that is making her being at home overwhelming.

If not could you enlist a befriending service? Our go surgery runs one as does the local library (covid not withstanding)

By the way, when I say last May I meant 2019.

It's difficult at the moment with Covid as there are no pensioner activities happening apart from on zoom which she's not a fan of.

We've suggested all sorts of rental arrangements, been to chat to residents at the retirement village, done trial stays in care homes, the works.

What is frustrating is the swinging from one point of view to the other. Today she was denying ever being interested in a flat that last week she wanted to buy!!

My nan did the same for years after my grandad died @Anonymum40, I think it is part of the grieving process. They don't want to be surrounded by memories but then when offered the new start they don't want to leave the memories.

I would just humour her. When the mood takes to talk/view then let her but don't push it. It will become less as time goes on. She is only just through the year of "firsts" so everything will still be very raw.

Give her time.

It must be very hard for DM to make such a big decision on her own, when she’s made decisions jointly for years. But I can understand why you’re finding it frustrating!

I would however recommend that you decide where your own boundaries are - it’s very easy to get increasingly pulled in, and then ending up resentful

Would she like a cat to care for to keep her busy and give her purpose?

I have no suggestions for the moving/not moving but in the meantime you could work on getting her doing things for herself. If her garden needs sorting out then the long term solution is to get a gardener in. Why are you cooking her meals? Yes it's nice but she's not a child and is capable of doing it herself and it would give her something more to do. She doesn't need to make an effort with you doing things for her but why are you doing that? It doesn't matter if it takes her longer because she's not short on time.

Can she knit/crochet? She may not have done it for a while but she is of the age where this was a basic skill for all girls.

I think you're right Tiny, when it comes to it, she's too scared to leave the house where she feels 'safe' surrounded by memories. But I do worry about a long winter of Covid ahead and her going out of her mind in the house with no visitors.

I have 2 teenagers at school and a husband who commutes to London from September so she would be advised to stay away from us, but I can see us in a situation where we have to take her in as she's going mad on her own. And that's where boundaries come in - I REALLY couldn't cope with her here 24/7. I get indigestion every time she's here for a meal as I can't relax. She likes to be waited on hand and foot when she's here. I've suggested she could invite us to hers for a meal or even tea and cake sometime but that's never happened. She doesn't contribute anything like pud, wine, flowers either... it's all a bit selfish.

Don't laugh but I tried buying her a hamster for lockdown company as she had always enjoyed looking after ours during holidays. She quickly rejected it as too much responsibility, so I can't see her taking a cat on. Besides when that was mentioned she told me she would be moving soon so couldn't (aargh!!!)

How mentally and physically competent is she? My father moved 200 miles at the age of 83, and immediately started helping archive for the local history society. It may be difficult to persuade her to go out and make friends, but you might be able to persuade her to go and help with a good cause.

By "last May" do you mean May 2020 or May last year? Either way, I think you need to cut her a lot of slack for a bit longer. Then start being firm and backing off. Has she enough money to hire a gardener? Can you investigate meals on wheels (about 40% of LAs still have the service)? For your sanity, you need to concentrate on the things only a daughter can do, and out-source everything else. And you can explain it to your mother that your don't want to spend your visits doing chores, you want to spend your visits enjoying her company.

Honestly, as someone who understands what it's like to have a family member who might be a bit as you describe, this will carry on as long as you allow it. To those posting to say be more understanding or along those lines, my view is that yes, she is 82, and lost her husband 1.5 years ago, and the OP has cut her slack. But age doesn't transform people into considerate people. You're trying really hard and only you know what kind of a relationship you've always had. All I'd say though, is don't become a slave to whims forever, because essentially it's selfish. And you have a choice.

I'd echo the previous posters who advised you to stick to your boundaries. I am more than a decade in to having an anxious widowed parent who struggles to make decisions, and what has saved my sanity is that I didn't jump in when my other parent died and start being a stalwart support on every front. I did support, but I also went through periods of relatively low contact (think a phone call every couple of weeks) and what happened was that my parent invested in their own social networks, found themselves a new partner (!) and developed a routine of which I wasn't a central part.
I think this has helped everybody's wellbeing.
Is there any way that you can set up interactions with your mum that meet some of her needs, but on your own terms? E.g. if she doesn't invite you for tea or a meal, could you take your family and the tea and the meal to her? That way she's not in your space, but you're still supporting her.
And agree that setting up other people to do routine jobs like cleaning, cooking, gardening, if she can afford it, would be best.
Re: the anxious decision-making and unmaking, I act as a sounding-board on things, but leave it up to my parent as to what final decision they want to make. It means a lot of the same conversations happening over and over, and things not getting done, but I hope they feel heard, and it leaves the responsibility for living their life where it belongs, with them.
Good luck with it all and look after yourself too.