Not sure how to cope with severely depressed mum anymore

[StinkEye]

Hello. Posting as I can't see the wood for the trees anymore.

TLDR: can't cope with severely depressed mum anymore.

My mum who is 72, retired a year ago is suffering with terrible depression.
She has had depression as long as I can remember and is medicated for this, but it's clearly not working.
She gave up work last year and moved to a lovely flat near me and my family, to be closer to us. Also she could no longer afford to live where she was previously.

Mum has always suffered with depression, but these days she just can't seem to come back from it. Where as she would have a few off days, they're all off days now.

She tells me she has no one to talk to, and she hates herself for telling me she wishes she were dead, she hates herself, she is overweight, she doesn't take care of herself properly (cooking/cleaning) she wants to go to sleep and never wake up.

I've asked her to speak to her GP and am hoping she will. I've offfered to call and talk to her GP to explain the situation directly but she bristled hugely at this.

She is a very difficult woman and so dark and depressed, she doesn't have friends (doesn't want them!) I Ly really me, which in turn has a knock on effect of fear and anxiety for me.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been through this, and come out alive on the other side. Any advice?

My previous partner was depressed. Eventually I realised that obviously I wasn't helping him, and I left him(1). Sometimes you have to realise that you are not the person that can help.[identifying info removed by MNHQ] Sometimes caring for someone means distancing yourself emotionally to protect yourself.

Just because she has decided you are the only person she wants in her life, doesn't mean to say you have to accept her plans.

(1)There was more to the story; it was his emotional abuse that made me able to leave him.

My experience was that as soon as I backed off a bit my relative was actually happier. They had to ,with help sort out their own support network and had a wider range of people in their lives. This included carers, medics and support groups. Our relationship was much better because of this.

It was hard to do though especially at the beginning !

It sounds as though your mum has got worse since she retired and relocated.
Many charities are crying out got volunteers at the moment (I work for at a heritage site and there’s loads of different volunteering opportunities many of which are done by the newly retired and it may be a good way for her to meet people and develop interests in her new area?
Maybe if you could coax her into something like that and speak to the go and take a two pronged approach?
It can’t be easy for you though. Try not to let it bring you down too,

Hi OP I am in a very similar situation, mother extremely depressed and saying she has nothing to live for, not looking after herself (underweight!). She is also very very difficult - argumentative, needy and frequently says very hurtful things - and I have no real bond with her. She has no long-standing friends as she gets too needy / clingy, her bitchiness puts them off or she falls out with them. Not sure what.

I spoke to her GP anonymously but they said they couldn't help her unless she engaged with them which she is not prepared to do, this was also pre-covid and support for people like her is even worse now. Alot of the advice you'll get here is to go no contact but with a vulnerable person this is extremely difficult.

PM me if you like, I can't give any advice but I certainly imagine how you feel

I have some idea how you feel, as my (widowed) parent also suffers from mild to moderate depression. Please accept a supportive ghost hug!

I have found that most useful advice is that you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. Depressed people often can't be helped; they need to want to help themselves. In my case my parent misses out on opportunities and is often too anxious to take initiatives, but that is their choice; I have given up trying to encourage them to live a more active life. We have a standing once a week phone call at the same time every week, which has helped a bit with their anxiety. It does sound as though engaging with her doctor would help your mum, but it sounds as though she'll have to work her way towards this herself. (I also had the experience of suggesting that I talk to my parent's doctor, and the reaction wasn't good so I've stopped suggesting that.)

I'd encourage you, as much as you can, to turn more of your focus towards looking after yourself. Your mother is an adult and while I imagine you feel great compassion for her, you can't fix her. Ultimately it is for her, not you, to live the life she has. Hold your boundaries and hang on in there.

I wish I knew how to resolve this situation, because it's pretty much mine too.

My parent has refused to do some of the things (such as joining any of the many groups and classes that are available locally) that might help. They're adamant that the NHS should be helping them, but then reject the advice offered by health care professionals. Covid restrictions are of course making things worse. I'm at a loss to know what to do now, but send a supportive hand squeeze to anyone in a similar situation.