Feeling really sad today

[HUCKMUCK]

My MIL is 91 and lives on her own in a bungalow 5 minutes from us. She has been living alone for almost 20 years since her 2nd husband passed away. Until 4 years ago she was very independent, still driving, no help at all apart from a few odd jobs around the house.

Then she had a couple of falls which turned out to be caused by blood pressure issues and she has slowly deteriorated since. She gave up driving but still managed to get out and about. She's had a mobility scooter but is too frail for that now. About a year or so ago she started having a carer (family friend) once a week to help her have a bath and wash her hair. DH and I would take her to Tesco and visit 2 or 3 times a week. She has frozen meals delivered.

She is now very frail, there is nothing of her. She can't walk more than around the bungalow and we have a wheelchair for whenever we take her out (pre covid). Sonce lockdown the carer has stopped coming and nobody went in the house for 4 or 5 weeks. DH and DD both work in public facing essential services which continued in lockdown.

We eventually ended up going in once a week with masks so she could have a bath - I do that, she has a bath seat. I wash her hair, change the bed, DH hoovers and cleans a bit and does bins, waters plants etc.

All in all, it is a very light caring load physically but it is taking a massive mental toll. Her short term memory is really poor so we have conversations over and over, she is a worrier and there needs to be constant reassurance that she can call us no matter what. Conversely she is constantly apologising for being a burden, she hates asking for help and she feels she is disrupting our lives.

I hate that I have become a carer to her. She has always been a great MIL. DH and I have been together for almost 30 years and I loved her from the off. She has been a brilliant Granny and my DCs adore her.

I just hate what age is doing to her. She hates being alone but would hate being in a care home. She has friends and a befriending service she is in touch with but because of covid she has only seen us since March.

We have been there this morning to give her a bath etc. She is so unhappy but it doesn't matter how often we go or how log we stay, she hates it when we leave.

I'm starting to thinks she should move in with us. I know it's a massive commitment but I just hate knowing she is so lonely.

Just offloading really, DH would have her here in an instant but won't push it because he knows it doesn't just affect him. Plus I WFH and he is out all day so he worries about the burden on me.

Both of my parents are in their 80s and much fitter but I wonder how long before we are juggling even more care.

MIL is always saying 'Don't get old Huck'. I'm starting to agree with her.

You sound a lovely DIL, don’t take on more than you can manage though. How would your parents feel if you had MIL living with you? Would a care home be a better option, so when you visit you can sit & talk rather than do essential care.

And would you move your parents in too if they were in similar difficulties? Three old people would be extremely stressful. It sounds like you need to look for a very good care home. So sad to be this position, for all of you.

You are very kind. How big is your house? If she moved in with you, could you have carers come in to help, so that you’re just providing some companionship for her? Would take off some of the burden if you’re also working from home.

I'm not sure there is a nice way of saying this (sorry) but 2 thoughts.

1. she's 91, whatever you do, it's unlikely to be super long term
2. you sound like you get on with her and you're more sad she's so frail and worried. How well (you don't have to tell us!) do you get on with your parents and how easy or difficult would they be if they needed care? If you think they might be on the difficult end but MiL really is just a sweet but frail little old lady, moving her in might provide plausible deniability so you don't get stuck with them IYSWIM.

Is she easy to get on with?

Would she let you get on with your job or is she the sort of person who needs constant attention?

I don’t understand why the carers stopped, they are still working around here, albeit with PPE. Maybe talk to AgeUK and see what options there are that might not mean her leaving her home.

Why can't she or you pay for some carers (not the family friend) who should arrive with PPE ?

A paid cleaner who is informed that they will be paid to clean & chat. Would also provide some more social interaction.
With social distancing & PPE

Why did the carers stop? They shouldn’t have! Are they council or private?