frail elderly mum in denial & people pleaser to others not me!

[stellabluesky]

This will be a bit long and rambling I am not sure if it is just a need to vent but any advice/support welcomed!

My mum is a frail 83yr old with declining health that she is in denial about. she is in the shielded group as has several serious health conditions and is immuno compromised. She was widowed a few years ago, I'm an only child and live an hour away. She was a good mum and we have in the main a good relationship.....but she has always been anxious, a people pleaser and a bit of an attention seeker. She has always needed & wanted praise, is very sensitive to criticism either real or perceived and so often tearful so I have often found her quite hard work. I left home at 18 and never went back but kept a good relationship with her. She had a very harsh, poor childhood, one of several children and there was a strong fire and brimstone religious overtone to her upbringing. She was rarely praised but all her faults highlighted so I understood from an early age where her behaviour came from....mum has never had any insight to this and Dad very much indulged her even when he knew she was being irrational/emotional.

She has begun to call me Mum, some of this is clearly because she is in a cognitive decline, but I also think it is subconsciously how she sees me, that's if she is not calling me 'her rock' or 'I know I can rely on you to sort me out'.

To cut a long story short, her health has been slowly but steadily deteriorating over the past three years. She had falls which have resulted in a broken arm and a separate incident with a minor head injury and concussion. She refused to go to the doctors. She only went to A&E with these after I went round to see her and resisted and moaned all the way there - she was really shocked when they confirmed the arm broken and admitted her overnight with the head injury. Had more falls, told me she had told the doctors about this at her various appts, collapsed on Christmas eve, emergency heart surgery needed, it came out that she hadn't mentioned the several falls (which were clearly cardiac in nature which I had always suspected) and had basically lied to me. When i was with her in hospital and the doctors came round, she didn't tell the truth as she wanted lots of praise as to how well she is doing rather than be honest, for example she said she;' runs up the stairs several times a day' when in reality she only manages them once a day and does that very very slowly. Stayed with us post op, lots of phone calls to friends, telephone consultation with GP etc, again exaggerating how she was doing, lapping up praise. Doing very well in lockdown as is in the shielded group but has had lots of attention and so is really enjoying feeling special ( i know that makes me sound awful but that's her words) ) she lives in a large village with a strong community element and so has had lots care packages etc (which I'm really grateful for) but these are tailing off now and she's already missing these even though we have been sorting out her food etc from day one.

I'm in touch with her daily, and every day there is some minor drama which she gets completely overwrought by. I try to phone at the same time each day. If I am a little late phoning her, (15/20 mins) I must have coronavirus and have died overnight and she will repetitively phone and then be semi hysterical when i answer. If we have to change the day we do her shopping, its because we are tired of her, the hospital changed the day of her telephone outpatient appt and it clashed with the day her GP was also going to call her (neither could give times) and this was the end of the world as we knew it etc. We had tears & trantrums yesterday on the phone and she hung up on me as she thought she was running out of milk and didn't have enough until her delivery arrived tomorrow - she hadn't as we had brought over some UHT milk for this kind of scenario on Friday but apparently I was shouting at her and telling her off - I was just trying to get to hear me as she's deaf, forgets to wear her hearing aid and talks over me. However with friends, she is completely different and although I think it is a facade, its beginning to wear me out, particularly as they enable her in her behaviour. When she was having falls, they said I was just being over protective and there was nothing wrong with her, same when it was clear she needed a hearing aid, they didn't visit her in hospital but mum expected me there each day and it was a three hour round trip, they've been more or less invisible over lockdown but next week, they are all going to go for a socially distanced walk & picnic around a local reservoir together, even though its clear to me that mum could hardly make it around our garden last week....and guess who will be called when it all goes pear shaped. I want her to have fun but my suggestion that maybe they do something in her friends garden or paddock - this friend has a small paddock off her back garden where they often have garden parties, BBQs etc but i got shot down in flames. Her short term memory is shot, she is very emotionally liable and I can only see this getting worse, so any advice on how to handle this welcomed. sorry this is so long

Hi Op,

This sounds like a really stressful time for you. I work with the elderly (in a legal capacity rather than a care capacity) and I have seen time and time again that the elderly are really rather good at hiding things from the outside world!

Do you hold a Power of Attorney for your mother? Do you think it is possible that she is losing/has lost her mental capacity? If so, you might be able to move her into a care home closer to you, so that you can visit her when it is convenient to you, but in the knowledge that she is being care for appropriately.

Alternatively, do you think she would be open to having carers visit her at home?

I know it sounds a bit drastic; it is hard to gauge exactly how bad your mother's capacity is from your post. She will get so much attention if she moved into care, or even a residential home where she owns her own apartment but has people around to eat with and socialise with.

Good luck xx

@MyGodImSoYoung

Thank you for you kind words and for making me feel that it's not just me! If you met her, you'd think how well she's doing! And to be fair, in some ways she is. I don't think she's ready for a care home as she is able to wash, dress & cook and to date (touchwood) we've had no issues with hobs and irons left on etc. Her house is immaculate and she cleans it to the point of obsession, which is another story!

However I do think she would benefit from living with people. She's never lived on her own until dad died and although she's done well, it hasn't helped with her anxiety or overthinking everything. She's on anxiety meds and I suggested today that she gets the dose upped as she's been on the minimum dose for about 10 years but wasn't receptive to that.

We have suggested McCarthy and Stone, my grandmother (her mum) lived in one and had a great experience. there is one very near by and mum went to an open day last summer with some friends and liked it but said she's not ready for it yet which I guess is up to her. I didn't put any pressure on her as I know that wouldn't help!

However she is still just about driving (very short and well known routes to the supermarket, church and friends houses) but i suspect that will come to an end soon as I think she will scare herself one of these days. The car already has a couple of scrapes on it that she doesn't know how they got there. Then she will need to move as she lives on the outskirt of the village, up a hill and nowhere near the bus stop, not that she could get on a bus anyway as she won't go into shops that have a step to get into them so wouldn't be able to manage the step onto a bus. I'll have to be firm and be clear that I am not going to continue to do her shopping or order online for her (i've made a rod for my back with the online deliveries as she was able to to that prior to lockdown but now refuses to do it saying she can't get slots - yet I can easily as I use her name and she is shielded so Iceland have be fab re this ) once lockdown is over as otherwise she will think she can stay where she is when she can no longer drive and that will be a slippery slope for other issues as well.

I think you need to read back through your posts and separate out the situation right now from your worries about what might happen in the future. You've got her giving the car up and having to move but that's not something you can deal with now because it's not happened.

If she's a competent adult then she can make her own decisions and deal with the consequences of them. If she gets stranded half way round the walk with friends then they will have to sort something out - it's not your responsibility. If she wants to live where she lives then that's for her to choose - if there's only one bus in a blue moon and no local shop then that's a consequence of her choice and for her to deal with. When she stops driving she can use taxis with the money she saves on not insuring the car or the local community transport if there is one.

If you don't think she is a competent adult capable of making her own decisions then that is a totally different scenario but if the situation is that you think she should move somewhere more suitable but she doesn't want to then there's not a lot you can do about that.

Unfortunately you are going to have to be the bad guy.
Be out of touch when the walk goes wrong. Is she safe driving? I'm thinking of other people.
Push her to visit the care home. That should be the plan.
This situation will probably continue until she has a serious fall then it's hospital then the care home as she won't manage at home. But try not to get too stressed as, sadly, her condition will very likely deteriorate - it's not forever.

@Knotaknitter

I don't disagree and I am trying to step back but the issue is that most of these things have happened - and she refuses to deal with them. She won't even wear the red button pendant that she wanted following her fall. Her friends have never dealt with any issue - she's fallen with them, they just flap and phone me, they won't take the responsibility of calling an ambulance.

When presented with a solution like a taxi (as there are some places she won't drive to like her GP as that's a new surgery off a busy dual carriage way) she refuses to book one but can't come up with any solution as to how she will get there etc - could go on - have lots of examples. She never deals with the consequences, just phones me in a very overwrought state even if it is something minor like the milk.

She would pass a mental capacity test but she is in that interesting place where there is a definite cognitive decline which she is quite successfully masking to many, her judgement is poor, and she has put herself in risky situations eg let a young man in who was allegedly collecting for charity and he needed to use the loo - I arrived as this was happening and he was definitely suspect - could get out of the house fast enough when he saw me....mum couldn't understand what the issue was.

I understand its her life and her risks, but she calls me when it goes pear shaped, (there's been an issue to a greater or lesser extent each week, sometimes more) and I'm in that place, where I can step back and let her get into a real muddle, but then it will still be me that will be sorting it out.

I'm not really that concerned whether she moves somewhere else or not....luckily she is quite comfortably off and could afford carers when needed. She says she's lonely and that's why she's so anxious, so I think that sheltered accommodation could help her but as you say that's up to her - I haven't pushed it, Im just frustrated at the constant drama, lack of insight (which I know she'll never gain now) and complaining but rejection of each solution.

Oh gosh. What a stressful situation. I fully sympathise. My mum developed dementia later in life but was always quite dependant upon me. She had some similar traits to your mum. It's really stressful. In the end mum went into a home. Over time she developed an acceptance of her declining health but it takes these events unfortunately to make them realise. Perhaps you need to lay your cards firmly on the table with her friends. It's easy to make the noises someone wants to hear when they don't have to pick up the pieces.

@bluemoon
Thank you - that's what I'll try and do more of, but I feel guilty! I don't think she should be driving....she hasn't done any for ages due to lockdown so my husband went out with her in her car last Sat. He said she was okay, just very very slow and really overcautious (more so than normal as she has always been a very slow driver) which meant that other drivers got frustrated with her particularly when she was pulling out at junctions and that's how an accident could happen. She also seemed to have lost a lot of spacial awareness and so was getting very close to parked cars. She took his feedback well but we'll see.

We're going away for a couple of weeks in our motorhome soon, booked pre covid 19, and will be at the other end of the country and I know she has some further walks in the countryside in quite remote areas (she used to be a very keen walker & most of these friends are younger than her by about 10 years) planned for then so we'll see what happens. I really want her to get out and have fun and don't want to be a kill joy but she would be better placed going to a national trust garden first and getting her fitness back but its up to her. I just think that she'll actually make herself less able to go out by this over ambitious approach. I had major spinal surgery a few years ago and I know how long it took me to get back to fitness and she had major emergency heart surgery at Christmas and has hardly been out since. Heyho!

@chaoticisatroll55

Sorry that you went through this with your mum, it's such a difficult time isn't it. I think you've summed up her friends well. Even Mum has commented on how they disappeared during lockdown although someone she knew vaguely has been fantastic, really supportive and contacted me with some concerns about Mum's cognition, which was great as then I knew it wasn't just me, and she was offering support and help. I'll just have to be firmer. I think I'm just a bit worn down and low today...we've had 7 years of this, first my Dad, then my FIL and now mum ....feels like groundhog day!

Yes we went through it with mum then her brother who she lived with as he had no children. It's really hard I know. X

Severe anxiety can be a precurser to vascular dementia in heart patients, often years beforehand. I think it might be a good idea to go with her to her next cardio appt and basically put it all out there. They can then perform the relevant tests / assessments.

I do sympathise, your last sentence is something I've been living with for a while. When the simplest solution is for you to do it then that will always be the answer.

I had a friend whose mother panicked if the daughter didn't phone at exactly the right time or answer a text immediately - the answer there was to refuse to give an exact time when she would call and never ever respond instantly to a text.

Her friends have never dealt with any issue - she's fallen with them, they just flap and phone me Your phone needs to start being unreliable, always losing charge. Or not loud enough for you to hear it when it's in your bag.

It's really scary for her to admit she needs care, it's the beginning of total and complete lack of autonomy. Eating someone else's choice of food when they decide and not you, wearing someone else's choice of clothes, not being able to, for example, take vitamin tablets if you want to, get up and do something in the middle of the night, nobody to care about the little things that mean a lot to you. It will take some major disasters for her to admit to needing help, but it's something she has to go through.

Grumpy that's a really interesting comment. Would it show up on an MRI, and if so, how early? My father has had AF for about 35 years, has never been diagnosed with more than "mild cognitive impairment", but his thinking has become increasingly paranoid over the last 5 years.

the answer there was to refuse to give an exact time when she would call and never ever respond instantly to a text. Yes, I've always tried to vary my phone times and visits for that reason.

Now, of course, even if I give a day for my next visit, he's lost his grip on time enough for it to be no help to him whatever.

Thank you everyone, you've all given some great advice and made me feel that it's not just me and that I'm not being unfair or unreasonable.

Will definitely take the advice and had a good heart to heart with DH this morning. We've decided that we are going to live our lives normally as they've been somewhat on hold these last few years and we've stopped using our Motorhome very much just in case there was an elderly persons emergency. We love camping and buying this after years of saving was a huge dream come true for us after years of tents, no more domestics as we struggle to put a tent up on a windy day! Also with lockdown and the chance of more lockdowns it's made us realise we need to seize the moment even more.

So we already had a three week trip booked which we go on at the end of this week and I've just booked two more fortnight breaks on camping sites in beautiful parts of the country (and a couple of hundred miles away )for sept and Oct. when I told mum this today she went a bit quiet and then said oh that's good...so hopefully this will make her think how she will manage. I don't tend to phone much when away as most campsites don't have great Wi-Fi signals and we decided not to get WiFi fitted in the Motorhome as it's our place of escape. So mum knows we won't be that contactable. I didn't mention that I've also booked a cottage in Scotland for two weeks in Jan as I am fantasising about snowy walks with the dogs and then cosy afternoons by a log fire........and if we can save enough ( as I've spent far too much on this today) then we're planning to spend March in the South of France in the Motorhome - something we've always wanted to do but haven't because of the elders. In between I'll make sure she comes and stays for a couple of days, we go and see her but hopefully she'll see that we plan to live our life and that we can't be her only safety net.

I completely sympathise. My Mum is very similar. In fact, I could have almost written this post!

I've thought a lot about this recently and have done a bit of reading around it. One thing I have gleaned is that people will only really value advice if they have asked for it. So, your Mum will not be interested in you telling her to go to a NT place for a walk with her pals rather than a country ramble. She almost needs to have the problem to learn from it. So let her go for that ramble. Don't be available if there is a problem and let her friends sort it. Obviously, monitor the situation but don't be tempted to drop everything at the drop of a hat. They are all adults. Someone should be capable of organising help.

My Mum really doesn't want to have to do anything herself so would gladly sit back and let everyone rally around her. I did a lot for her when my Dad died but it was seriously impacting me when I realised that she wasn't going to step up. Now I tell her she is capable of doing things herself. When she has a problem, I don't immediately offer her a solution. I just ask her what she's going to do about it.

I sound a bit harsh but I work in healthcare and have come to the conclusion that doing everything for an elderly parent is not necessary!

Also wanted to say....

Enjoy your holidays. Your Mum is in her 80s and has had a lifetime of doing all the things she wanted to do including going away. She still can do what she wants to do (within reason). Do not let her guilt you into not going away.

@dooratheexplorer thank you that's good advice and I really appreciate it. It's also nice to know 'it's not just me' as often I feel guilty and think I'm being unfair.

It's hard though, isn't it?

My Mum did everything for her Mum and pretty put her life on hold for her. When my Grandma died, my Mum had a massive gaping hole in her life. She now expects the same from me. We're very different people though and I wouldn't put my own children in that position.

I totally agree with putting a positive spin on everything to everyone as well. I'm pretty certain all the hospital staff and healthcare professionals she's encountered over the last few years would say she wonderful. She is to a certain extent but there is a very different side to her that only we tend to see!

@dooratheexplorer it's a bit similar with mum as she did this with my Dad, but she never acknowledged how much support she got from me. Work were really helpful and I condensed my hours but i still had to do the work which she didn't seem to understand, and I was always at mums sorting things out, dealing with appts, every time dad was in hospital ( which was a lot) she didn't want to drive there as she got into a state about the parking so I had to do a detour to pick her up that put 40 mins on my total journey time etc stay as long as she wanted to for visiting time, for OPD appts they always wanted a coffee at the hospital coffee shop as it was like a day out, etc,

I think my mum doesn't realise that by the time she was my age (mid 50s) all the grandparents were long gone, the last one died when she was just 50. They died in their late 70s very shortly after their first significant illness. Whilst I know she missed them, she never had the experience of dealing with very elderly people. I had left home several years earlier and was self sufficient. Her 50s and 60s were a good time for her and Dad. They had money from inheritances (not huge sums but enough to make a difference to their lives) no worries about me and so these were, as mum says her ' golden years.

I am moaning now!

Yes, very similar experience to you. My Mum never did a demanding/stressful job and never worked full time after children so has no concept of trying to fit everything in.

I think you just have to decide what you are prepared to give now and stick to it. It sounds like you have always gone above and beyond so your Mum is very lucky to have you.

Don't become a martyr. If your Mum is anything like mine then whatever you do will never really be enough. If I rang three times a day then she would be telling me Barbara's daughter rings four times and pops in on the way home from work every single day.

She almost needs to have the problem to learn from it. I very much agree with @dooratheexplorer on this one.

Any 'progress' we ever made with my mother was in response to things actually going wrong.

Your job really is to let things happen and not feel guilty about it or try fruitlessly your anticipate problems. I know how tough it is but it really is the only way.

We tried to approach lots of 'relevant' people for help in anticipation. None could help but reassured us that they would be there in response to anything actually going wrong.

I with that I had understood at the time so would like to pass on this advice so you can benefit. It's not great but that is how it goes.

All the best.

Your Mum is in her 80s and has had a lifetime of doing all the things she wanted to do including going away. Not necessarily. That generation was far more likely to put things on hold for the future, to spend their life looking after other people and put their own life on hold until they retired.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Yes, this is the case for Op's Mum:-

I think my mum doesn't realise that by the time she was my age (mid 50s) all the grandparents were long gone, the last one died when she was just 50. They died in their late 70s very shortly after their first significant illness. Whilst I know she missed them, she never had the experience of dealing with very elderly people. I had left home several years earlier and was self sufficient. Her 50s and 60s were a good time for her and Dad. They had money from inheritances (not huge sums but enough to make a difference to their lives) no worries about me and so these were, as mum says her ' golden years.

I can sympathize

Your DM still wishes to drive & have her independence
Compared to
She creates a big drama when there is no milk

Do you have " milk & more" in your area. I believe that you can order online up to 10pm & it is delivered the next day.
UHT is another good solution

What would your DM do if you lived much further away ?

I agree go on your holidays