How to raise issue of DM with my brother

[HMSSophie]

I'm new to this board but suspect I'll be here a lot in future.

My DM is a healthy 79, she lives alone 20 mins from me. I too live alone. My DBr lives 300 miles away.

Since our DF left our DM 40 years ago, I have felt "lumbered" with the emotional well being of my DM. I have taken her on holidays annually, bought her a house, and employed her as my DCs nanny. As well as the usual shopping trips, dinners, chats and check ins.

My DB has done nothing for her, ever. He phones her when he is distressed. He sees her about once every two years when his work takes him near her. He has made no attempt to contact me for decades.

Now my DM is aging, she is more needy - hip op, pending gall bladder op, and during lockdown I have done daily phone calls, her shopping, and IT support as she's got to grips with zoom meetings. My DB has not called her at all.

I have become absolutely livid about this disparity now.

My DM is now wanting to plan a holiday with me in the Uk later this years "as we both need a nice break".

I feel overwhelmed at the prospect of having to provide her holiday pleasures on top of the day to day support. I love her and she is good company but it's too much - and I'm scared that if I did go on holiday with her I'll lose my temper and hurt her, I feel so angry at having been left with her, if that makes sense.

Is there any advice you might have about how I could change things? I don't want to spoil my relationship with my DM (which used to be poor, I have learned to love her after years of therapy). I also don't want to make her unhappy and lonely and sad, by for example "making" her go on holiday alone. She would not contemplate holidays with anyone but me.

I contacted my DB about a year ago when she had her hip op, and asked if he's holiday with her. He did not respond. I contacted him again just before lockdown and he did respond and we were planning to meet. Then lockdown. As he has not even phoned her once in lockdown I'm now even more angry, but also getting desperate at being expected to do it all. Rather, I doubt anyone is "expecting" it, rather no one is thinking about me in this.

Am I being selfish? I'm lost and angry and afraid of my future as she ages and needs yet more support.

I don't blame you for being frustrated and angry, but you really need to let go of hoping your brother ever helps out. This will never happen and he's made that very clear through his actions. You need to look at other avenues of support.

You're right. Although it makes me so angry. But that's not helpful so yes you are right.

Your DM is unreasonable expecting you to holiday with you. Your DB doesn't sound great, but it's not up to you not to make her lonely, unhappy and sad. I wouldn't holiday with her either. My DM was widowed at 51 and I never holidayed once with her. Let alone every year.
I'd be more angry with your DM and her over reliance on you. Time to set her up with outside help and make less frequent contact. If she's in good health there's no need to ring her every day.
You do have a choice. Just like your DB. Maybe time to make some difficult ones for your own sanity.

Honestly, you have to let it go otherwise it will just get worse. It sounds like your mum wasn't great in the past, and though you've 'learned to love her', that's obviously not the same for your brother.
But you can put boundaries in place with your mum - you don't have to go on holiday, and you aren't responsible for her emotional well being or your brothers relationship with her.

How old were you when you were 'lumbered' with her? She sounds exceptionally selfish! It sounds as pp said that you may have learned to love her but your brother hasn't.

I was 13, my DF left her for another woman. She tried to kill her self - drank a lot, was a mess. I had no support nor did she. She was so young - had my DB at 20 and me at 22, my DF left when she was 35.

She's not selfish. I just can't bear to think of her sad and alone, i guess because I feel sad and alone so I know how painful it is.

Sorry to hear this- but please don’t expect your dB to change.
A frequent theme on here has been the absent sibling, sometimes goldenballs in the eyes of the elderlies.
All you can manage is yourself- can you get support in place for your dm now? Build a network before she needs it? Are there any groups she could join for tours etc?

It's not your job to make your mother happy, it wasn't your job 40 years ago either. If you don't want to go on holiday with her then don't, personally my idea of a holiday is a break from my usual responsibilities rather than taking them with me (insert rant here about self catering holidays where no-one but me lifted a finger all week). It would be a nice break for my mother, with 24 hour daughter access and someone to talk to all of the time but it would not be a break for me. She could go on a singles holiday or a crafting (or other hobby) holiday or simply not go. I'm 58 and single now, these are my options too. If you live alone, these are probably your options as well. If she won't consider a holiday with anyone but you, well that's her choice. She does have choices in this and so do you, yours are no less important than hers. You can say no and she can go alone/find a friend/stop at home.

Your brother looks as if he's checked out of the family given the level of his contact with either of you. Yes, it is unfair, more unfair than if you were an only child but that's how he's choosing to live his life. You want him to do more but seriously, how likely is that?

It sounds as if it's the threat of a looming holiday that has brought this to a head for you, that combined with the extra work in lockdown. If you say no to the holiday now then it takes it off the table.

Your brother isn't responsible for his mother and if you needed years of therapy to get over your childhood maybe he has good reasons for staying away?
You also aren't responsible for your mother so work out what you are able and willing to do and focus on that.
Your brother isn't going to change so I would think about what if anything you wanted to change.