Mother wanting to start going out “ it’s allowed now “

[Nearlyoldenoughtowearpurple]

Am losing the plot here and feel like a bully.
My mother is 84 and has a brain tumour, not on treatment at the moment but obviously a prime candidate for DNR if she got covid. It also makes her not quite mentally “ normal” .
She is desperate to go out somewhere , preferably a garden centre because she watches the news and sees that you can.
I have explained many times that the cafe won’t be open, that you can’t linger and that it won’t be what she is expecting, but I don’t think she believes me .
She can only go if one of the family take her ( living as one family unit not breaking rules ) which I’m just saying no to at the moment but she won’t stop pestering and I’m feeling really unkind.
Am tempted to take her just so she can see but seems a stupid risk to expose her to the virus plus she is terrible for touching things, especially if you ask her not to, so that’s a whole other issue with covid.
Fully aware not a solvable problem probably but need to vent !

@saraclara , I totally agree! DH sits a little bit more on the fence, can't understand why they'd want to go out ( and tells them that), BIL is the much more argumentative one over it - he'd have them locked up in a bubble if he could. He's being very protective, but I'm not sure that's healthy for them. They're going to do it anyway, so just support them with their decision

DH sits a little bit more on the fence, can't understand why they'd want to go out

Has he been unable to leave the house for ten weeks? If not, can he imagine why he might be desperate to go out somewhere....anywhere, just to escape it and see that there's a world out there?

She clearly loves her garden even if she doesn't enjoy walking for walking sake. I'm glad you've decided to take her because you need to factor in quality of life when you make a risk assessment. People claim it doesn't matter and we just need to be more resilient but at 84, knowing the time you have ahead of you is limited, being able to do something that you love is important.

My mil lost a lot of mobility in her last few month and she ended up just constantly obsessing about what she had in her freezer because she thrived on being out and about talking to everyone and she had lost that. It was heartbreaking. We're so glad for her that she didn't get to experience this year.

Oh definitely he can see it, but it doesn't stop him worrying that they are high risk. I understand his worry, they're his parents after all, but I think you have to look at the bigger picture. Being trapped in your home, stressed and miserable isn't good for your health either.
Unfortunately BIL is of the opinion that we're all going to die from it so there's just no discussing it with him. He's a healthy 40 something and has no inclination to leave the house - he's another matter!

You really need to consider QUALITY of life over quantity of time remaining. Your poor mum! People in their 80s are likely to die soon anyway and your mum has a brain tumour on top of that. There's no evidence that this virus is going anywhere any time soon. It could be around for years, and in all likelihood, your mum won't be.
You should make the most of her time left with you by honouring her wishes and taking her out. You could sit outside at a cafe or something somewhere. There are plenty open. Wipe down surfaces before you sit down, wash hands before and after...

@namechangenumber2

Oh definitely he can see it, but it doesn't stop him worrying that they are high risk. I understand his worry, they're his parents after all, but I think you have to look at the bigger picture. Being trapped in your home, stressed and miserable isn't good for your health either. Unfortunately BIL is of the opinion that we're all going to die from it so there's just no discussing it with him. He's a healthy 40 something and has no inclination to leave the house - he's another matter!

Does he live with his parents? If not, he can't stop them.

Someone needs to advocate for them if they're unable to go out without help/transport.

Epythymy I find your tone a bit unkind
My “poor mum”
She lives in our family unit and I care for her. We have all been so careful not to infect her, I shop once a week. Dd hasn’t left the premises once since she was sent home from uni at the start, dh went out once to a farm shop and ds goes to the village shop if we need bread etc, that’s it, not like we are all out gallivanting and leaving her to rot alone.
I don’t know where you are but there are no cafes locally open where you can sit outside. Only the odd takeaway but she can’t drink standing up etc.
Mumsnet is a funny place, one minute covid will kill us all and schools shouldn’t even think of opening, the next we get slammed for “ trapping “ elderly relatives and taking their liberties away by trying to keep them safe when they do not have the mental capacity to make sensible choices themselves .

@saraclara , nobody is stopping them - DH and more so BIL are arguing with them a lot about it as they don't feel they should be going out. They'll still go, which they know, but the arguments are unpleasant and upsetting for my in laws

BIL doesn't think they should be even leaving the house, but as I said earlier he has a very strong view on the virus so he's going to say that. I just think he needs to look at the bigger picture and stop treating them like children..

[quote namechangenumber2]@saraclara , nobody is stopping them - DH and more so BIL are arguing with them a lot about it as they don't feel they should be going out. They'll still go, which they know, but the arguments are unpleasant and upsetting for my in laws

BIL doesn't think they should be even leaving the house, but as I said earlier he has a very strong view on the virus so he's going to say that. I just think he needs to look at the bigger picture and stop treating them like children.. [/quote]
I'm only 64, and I'm still getting scolded by one of my daughters, who's very scared. Yet I'm being really careful, following all the rules, and not taking any risks at all. Because I really don't want to get it.

I know it's because she loves me and she's anxious, but I've gone home in tears both times I've met with her (she doesn't know) because it's so awful to be argued with over this stuff. So if you have any influence at all over their sons PLEASE tell them to stop doing that.