When to start cutting back the overnights while mum is grieving

[RedElephants]

Please bear with me, I'm feeling sorry for myself 🙁

My Dad passed away at home on Friday 22, he was 80, he'd been ill for the last year, 18 months, so wasn't totally unexpected.
He went down hill rapidly In the last few weeks before he died, and the week before my sister and I were taking it in turns to stay with Mum (76) over night keeping her company and help nurse him.
I was there the night he died.

I haven't slept properly for the last 2 weeks as going to and fro, from their house to mine. I don't sleep well there. Helping out with telephoning various people, sorting out death certificates etc. Cooking and cleaning at home, as dh and sons are working.
Thankfully I'm not working at the moment, I work in school, in Early Years, and due to my own health issues, Im (slightly vulnerable) thinking of going back beginning of July. Which also plays on my mind a bit, and how that's all going to work out.
I'm working through my own grief when I get home, but having to try be upbeat when with mum

Sister (51) and I (53) are still staying alternate nights, and I feel awful because I don't want to do that any more, however I feel it would be selfish to say to mum I want at least 2 nights at my home from now on?
That at some time she's going to have to get used to being in the house at night on her own?

So opinions (please be gentle) when would you start cutting back the overnight stays?

to you and your DM

My DD left me two weeks after my DH died. She had stayed between his death and the funeral.

I have to be honest and say that I sobbed all night after she drove away.

She lived 200 miles away, so I only saw her and my Grandaughter about once a month after that. There was no video messaging, zoom etc in those days.

However, she needed to get on with her own life and I needed to try and put my life back together (DH died in an accident)

The worst part of it was that I didn’t feel safe in the house. It was a relatively new home in a very rural location. So.... I bumped up my security, including fitting a lock to my bedroom door.

I then just had to get on with it.

You need to return to your normal life. Talk through with your DM what will make her feel safe, keep in touch by phone or video and visit when you can.

My advice to her and you through this grieving time, is to be kind to yourselves and move forward in small steps. If your DM cant cope alone you will very soon know and be able to rethink your options.

So sorry for your loss. I would say, as a widowed person (although I was 33 not 78 so different circumstances) your mum still really needs your company right now and you need to look after yourself.

DH and sons can manage cooking and cleaning, no need for you to do that whilst grieving and looking after mum.

I'd continue staying every other night for a few weeks and then make sure you rest and DH and sons look after you when you're home. Grief is very tiring.

I think you probably need to get together with your sisters and have a plan of slow withdrawal and taking it in turns to have her to your own houses at weekends.
However you do it your mum will be grieving as will you all for a long while yet.Also your mum needs to find her own new normal on her own and reconnect with her own friends.
Not being there doesn't mean not being available or unsupportive.

Sorry for your loss

Recommend buying some of these lights that plug into the wall sockets, that light up automatically when it gets dark. Buy the lights that remain charged when there is a power cut, so can be used as an emergency torch as well.

I assume that you live locally to your DM

In similar circumstances, I took 2 weeks off work to stay
I don't live locally, several hours away. I visited & stayed every weekend for approx 4 months. Now I visit every month to 6 week period.
I work FT

If you are offering help & support during the daytime. I would start to withdraw the night time support

Does your DM have a small portable radio that she can move to various rooms

In the near future & depending on your DM circumstances. I would recommend a cleaner, gardener. It provides another social interaction & frees you up to enjoy doing more pleasant things with your DM & not constant chores

You are fortunate to have a sibling to share with

Good luck

Take one day at a time

The worst part of it was that I didn’t feel safe in the house. It was a relatively new home in a very rural location. Yes, this is what scares me about losing my DH. I could put the alarm on overnight but if it went off accidentally I'd be in pieces!

Thank you all for replying, its a month today, since he passed.
Mum lives In The same village as I, she's doing so well bless her.
My sister lives in the next village over, so not far at all.

She n dad were married for over 57 yrs and rarely apart except for a few stays in hospital etc were always together/did things together..

Thankyou all for ideas etc

Yesterday was hard, I went to see Mum, and Dad wasn't in his chair waiting for my sister and I.....for Father's Day...

It's his birthday on the 11/7..another sad day..I guess it will in time get easier.

RedElephant - it sounds like your DF had a good life.
It will get easier over time
You are going through " all the firsts"
Be kind to yourself