How can I ‘be there’ for vulnerable parent who talks to me like this?

[MrsHogwallop]

My elderly parent is alone in a faraway town during lockdown, but I can’t face conversations with him. He has always been a difficult person to get on with, but sometimes more than others. He was also a loving father, albeit in a strong, loyal and protective way rather than a tender one. He is embittered about the racism and alienation he has experienced in the decades after migrating to this country, and also about his acrimonious split from my mum. He is prone to verbally ruminating about this and wants to convince me of his victimhood. However since becoming a parent myself I’ve started to understand that he took me from my mother to live with him when I was a child of 9 using manipulation, having always thought/been told by him it was my own choice. When I point out to him how hard it can be to listen to his prejudiced rants against The West and my mother, he becomes verbally abusive. I recently told him his words hurt me, and he replied by saying ‘you are psychotic’. He tends to tell me that I’m stupid, or mentally incapable of understanding his point of view. This does and has always stung me, and I’ve not seemed to gain the strength to put up with it. Having my own children makes me incredulous that he could have talked to a child like this, and this seems to make it even harder to put up with it now. But other than me, I think he has very few other people to talk to, and he’s undoubtedly in a very vulnerable state health wise. How do I go forward?

I think you ignore his negative talk, change the subject or let him rant without really listening. He won't change but you can imagine a forcefield around you that it bounces off of

This sounds awful OP, I think as PP said change the subject as much as possible. If he won’t do this warn him you will have to end the conversation. Certain topics will have to be off limits and he needs to realise this.

Thanks for the suggestions, much appreciated. Sometimes he sees deflection as a challenge. But if I can be consistent perhaps he’ll get it.

If it's seriously upsetting you and he knows this then you don't have to abide by some "duty" to listen to his rants. Check he is OK and have some quick phonecalls about the weather but you don't deserve to be called names!!!

Have a look at Grey Rock techniques.

When you call be clear about what your own agenda for the call is - for example, making sure he is safe, talking about a TV program you both like, what happened at the doctors or whatever. Don't let him ramble off onto other topics - if you have finished, then you have finished and hang up.

It also helps to have a set of bland and dull phrases and topics - weather, things in the garden, what you bought at Tesco as filler to keep conversation going and stop it going on to pet rants about The State of The World.

Also don't tell him much about your life. If your choices about parenting are just going to wind him up, don't bother. Stick to superficial updates, announce things after they have happened not before - you aren't asking his opinion.

And if he sees deflection as a challenge just hang up. Have a go another time when he has calmed down, eventually he will get the message.

My mother is very hard work at times, still lots of issues about my dad who had a lot of health problems and died not long ago. We live close to each other, I have dropped food off. She is independent and has a car. In some ways lockdown has made it easier, I've only been in her garden. If she starts bringing up stuff, like blaming people for previous events, I just say I'm not listening to this and leave. Same on the phone, when she starts, I say I'm not listening and say I'm hanging up. I've only started doing this recently, she has caused me a lot of anxiety and stress in the past. I know she had a hard time with my father but I have to look after myself and my family. The last time she started on about stuff I didn't contact her for over a week then she eventually phoned me. My siblings hardly bother with her as they know what she's like. I'm fed up being the punch bag (if that makes sense) for everything so I'm trying hard not to put up with it.

Thanks all, so helpful to think about systematic ways to approach it. I’m determined to do this right. I’m grieving for all the other conversations he and I could be having, he’s taught me so much about the world, determined not to give in to bitterness myself . @totalelipse - that’s so hard. Remember you’re doing something difficult and worthwhile. But keep your boundaries in place. I think some people hate to be vulnerable and try to push everyone away.