Feeling guilty

[flygirl767]

Hi I know my situation with my mum is not nearly as bad as some of you have it but today nearly has tipped me over the edge. She rang me at 5:45 this morning to tell me she had called 999. Thank goodness they did not send an ambulance and the out of hours GP caller her (she was having a panic attack which she has had before).

I had planned a day at the beach with DS today but oh no the phone goes again and I get summoned to travel over and put a plaster on her arm which is bleeding slightly. She lives 12 miles away, around 30 mins. Get there and there really is nothing wrong. I had told her I would be over tomorrow rather than today but she is just so needy now and I am not coping with it. DF died many moons ago and my DSis died last year so I literally have no one to turn to in the family. DH is practical rather than sympathetic and DS is only interested in his PlayStation! Friends are there for me but aside from one, they have no idea how hard this is. I am jealous of their happy families and wonder what happened to make mine so shit.

I finally persuaded her to have the house valued yesterday with a view to moving to sheltered accommodation but today she insists that she is fine where she is (big house which is too far from the local shops to walk now she has stopped driving). She can't face the trauma of moving and although I have pointed out that I will be back to work soon and not able to pop over every bloody day, she just says "owe will cross that bridge when we come to it". She has deteriorated so much in the last year, GP says not dementia but she is very vague and forgetful (age 86). I feel bad as I was a bit snappy today at times and it is not her fault. However, I just feel thoroughly pissed off that after everything we have been through, I am now the carer just when my son hit has his teen years and I had more freedom to travel and love my life.

I am usually very calm and capable but tonight I just feel like getting smashed to forget about it all. I won't as I can't face the hangover!!

Thanks for listening

At the moment she is coping with the big house away from everything as she has you on demand! ( to the detriment of your MH and life).

If she is adamant that she can cope you need to allow her too, and this means allowing her to fail. She will not have a crisis whilst you are picking up the pieces- but you will. It's a you or her situation and sometimes you have to put yourself first. Tell her when you are visiting next and stick to it.

PP is right, I'm afraid this is a case of waiting for some incident where she doesn't cope.

It's horrible, all our instincts are to step in to avoid disaster but at some point ..

Socially distanced Hand hold for you, it might get worse before it starts to get better.

One thought, though. I would not make selling the house, or even putting it on the market, which is a big thing of itself, a condition of accepting the time has come for more care. Local authorities will make a claim to be paid but most are prepared to wait.

One tactic that seems very popular, especially after some incident, is to try a fortnights respite care in a home, just to help them get better. Sadly, a fortnight is usually enough for the placement to become permanent. Meanwhile it's just a case of waiting for something complicated to happen. All the best.

Hi flygirl I could have written your post only I I’m in my early 60s with adult children and grandchildren babies to teenagers. I know exactly where your coming from your feeling cheated and guilty all in equal measures. I have been a Carer for both parents for the last 35 years,dad passed 10 years ago then mum became frail She’s now 90 awaiting dementia screening, she’s very upset,because she knows something is not right, but at the moment nothing can be done.
This week she has rang the dr and the physio demanding that they visit. She’s set off her personal alarm by mistake. I’ve had to have her hearing aids checked. Also lot of misunderstanding with her neighbours. It is so very draining, and caused me no end of anxiety.
I’m trying to persuade her to try sheltered accommodation but she’s having non of it and keeps telling everyone I’m trying to put her away. My next step is to have a assessment made for carers to come in, even if its just to check she’s okay . I’m not sure if she’s taking her medication correctly. Sorry I can’t be much help, but I can and do sympathise. We’ve just received attendance allowance for mum also which she’s going to use to pay for a cleaner as I still work and can’t visit every day. She hates that I don’t go every day but I stick to my guns. Good luck let us know how your getting on .

Thank you all for the great advice and sympathy. @Katyy similar situation but gosh what an awfully long time for you to be caring for your parents. She has just called me thinking she is house sitting for someone and talking about some man who has been with her all afternoon. I will be calling the GP this week as it must be early onset dementia, all tests ruled out infection. Not sure if they are doing referrals at the moment though due to C19? I had a lovely day today and went to the beach with my family. I've told her I'm not coming tomorrow and will take her to the garden centre on Tuesday. I used to go over twice a week and recently she has been expecting me every day. I need to get it back down to 2/3 times a week for when work picks up.

The upsetting thing is she keeps forgetting my sister died last year and asking where she is and how she can call her. Heartbreaking.

Thanks again

Hi, I’m not sure if their doing referrals either, it might be worth checking .The Dr refused to come out this week, just said she had to ring 111 if it was a emergency, she’d forgotten the number by the time she’d got off the phone 🤦🏻‍♀️ It’s best that you get her used to less visits it’s impossible to be there everyday and your family need you too.

The upsetting thing is she keeps forgetting my sister died last year and asking where she is and how she can call her. Heartbreaking. If she really is forgetting, rehearse a plausible reply you can make which doesn't reveal that your sister's dead."her phone's playing up at the moment, will make calls but not receive them - I'll get her to ring you". It goes against the grain to lie, but it's better than repeatedly breaking the news of sister's death to no benefit. Bad for you, because you're being reminded of it, but there's no way round that.

So this morning I was awoken by Sussex Police who had mum on the phone claiming to be being held against her will at a house in Birmingham! Luckily she had my number to give them so it was quickly sorted out but I think it is clear that she has some kind of dementia/Alzheimers.
Spoke to her GP, he has put her forward for an urgent referral to the elderly care team who will be in touch to arrange the next steps. Anyone know how long this process can take? She rang me 4 times this evening as she was unable to work out how to cook her evening meal. She needs help now-should I look into private care?

Can she afford carers ? I'd get some lined up or at least meals on wheels or similar . And I'm afraid I would insist she moved somewhere where they can care for her properly . It's not your responsibility to be running backwards and forwards . She can downsize and pay for care with that money if necc .

I'm so sorry

We had a good experience with people introduced by https://www.homeinstead.com when my mother needed more help at home. It might give you some breathing space u til something more long time is arranged.

It may depend where you live but we had emergency 24 hour care for my dad, it lasted 5 days until we could have careers 4 times a day. If not can she afford to pay for private care at home for a while, at least it would give you a bit of breathing space. Good luck, let us know how your getting on. Don’t think it will be too long before I’m in this awful predicament.

I really feel for you as I'm coping with dying dad and highly strung mum at the moment.

I left an unhappy marriage 4 years ago and was in my own house less than a year before eveything went to shit with my parents so I've had no chance to rebuild my life and can totally understand your frustration and resentment.

Also have a teenager!

It sounds like you need to get a diagnosis asap and then go from there regarding what can be put in place in terms of care/funding.

I think we might me in the same country so feel free to drop me a PM as I might be able to give you some contact numbers

Same county !

My mum is soon to move into the garage conversion we have had done and largely paid for, which will be a small but well equipped one bed flat. We are happy for her to come, after my dad died earlier in the year. She will need some things doing and required more care from my dad than she really admits to-she thinks she was pretty independent but she has very poor eyesight, mobility issues (blue badge holder) and lots of appointments to attend.

This might be a really awful question but, given that she will have a really large inheritance, has a flat that she can either sell for close to half a million and a healthy pension (occupational and state close to 30k), is it reasonable to broach the subject of financial contribution? We have taken out extra mortgage and a couple of loans to do the conversion. We were going to do it anyway, but expected it to pay its way as air B and B or student rental and so are going to be out of pocket. That said, we will probably inherit just enough to cover it.

Does it sound wrong even to broach the subject? We are not struggling to put food on the table, but neither are we living luxuriously and the flat has also been fitted out to be a proper home with kitchen etc rather than an extra room with living space and bathroom as we had planned.

Just don't know where to begin with it all and know that it's going to take a toll on me emotionally to live so close to my mum, just because it's such a huge change for us all, and I don't want financial issues to come into it too.

Oh god, this is the second time I've done this today. I'm so sorry, OP, I was sure I'd started a new thread this time. I will repost in a new thread and apologies again.

OP-dont feel guilty. It's enormously challenging being responsible/caring for elderly parents and you are bound to feel resentful sometimes. You are torn between quite rightly wanting to be with your child and doing right by your mum. Lots of folk don't give themselves the dilemma in the first place and it's a sign of love that you are there for your mum as much as you are.

Soontobecarer. What a wonderful person you are, I wish I could be half as strong as you, your doing a fabulous thing for your mum. I couldn’t do it, but that’s just me
Of course you should have help with the cost of this, it’s been huge for you, and not what you expected. Has your mum mentioned anything ? Has she moved in yet? I think you need to broach the subject very soon. Good luck.