Tricky situation POA

[Pianokicker]

Don't quite know how to handle this situation regarding my mum.

I have POA for health and welfare for my mum. She has some dementia but I would say she still has capacity (in my opinion). She is currently living at home with my elderly dad. Dad (90) can no longer cope with her needs, even with two carers 4 times a day, she basically has no mobility. The OT has been in to assess her and they have ordered a return 7500, sliding sheets, commode, foot protector and a hospital bed etc...for their tiny flat (this is all according to my dad of course, I haven't seen them since lockdown began).

So we are having ongoing discussions regarding a nursing home, my mum hasn't agreed to go, and I can't see her agreeing to it, the upshot is that my dad has to continue to care for her.

What I am trying to get at is that because she has capacity can she make a decision that negatively affects someone else? My dad is really suffering.

Lockdown has made this horrible situation about 100 times worse of course.

Sorry if it's all a bit waffaly above, thanks for reading.

Could they move in to assisted living together instead?

All of this is just around the corner for me @Pianokicker

I'm so sorry for my dad too ... he's trying so hard, and caring doesn't come naturally to him.

And they are 200 miles away.

No advice, just sympathy.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/helping-a-loved-one/caring-dementia/

OP, does your mum have a social worker? They can do an career assesment for your dad and provide him with respite.

They can also assess the situation and decide if it is sustainable. As POA you do have that power and responsibility, don't think your opinion does not matter.

I would contact the OT and ask for a social care assesment/review as your concerned of carer break down. Tell them you have POA. Having a 'middle man' can help in these circumstances.

Thanks all

@ukgift2016 I raised the possibility of involving a social worker at a family meeting but my sister was not keen, it wasn't the time to ask just then, but I can't work out if she thought it wasn't going to help or if she was worried about getting social services involved. She's very knowledgeable about all of this so I'd have to talk privately with her.

However we are making small steps forward, dad has reserved a bed for 2 weeks at a nursing home that we had previously seen in Feb. It's actually very nice and I got a good feel from it from visiting, beautiful gardens, lovely old house (although quite frankly I'm not sure mum can appreciate any of this now). It's close to us so dad can visit (eventually). However I'm not clear as to whether mum has consented to all this. My sister has been doing most of the organisation and persuading in all of this, she may have another face to face with them this weekend to see what is what. Thank God she's much more persuasive than me and she has my parents ear, dad sort of brushes me off a bit.

The hospital bed and hoist are due today, the hoist is a 2 man job, again I'm rather hoping given the dimensions in the flat that it may not be safe/practical for either my mum or the carers and that it's a no go.

It's really hard to judge my mum's mental state over the phone, she just can't get to grips with tech (zoom etc) as she can't really hold anything or use a screen to communicate. On the phone it's difficult to hear her (parkinsons and lack of muscle control and strength) and after a few moments I think her arm sort of drops down from her ear. She is having lots of hallucinations now 😦.

Sorry for the ramble, it feels somewhat cathartic to write it all down.

It sounds like you might get the support you all need. Once mum is in the respite home the staff can carry out ap capacity assessment. I would also ask that her gp and Parkinsons nurse visit to assess her needs.

Oh I so feel for you.

An initial two week respite stay is a really good way forward.

As for the lovely house and grounds, the lovely manager of the nursing home my mother spent the last few months of her life told us that even if the people staying can't really appreciate the lovely house and gardens, most of the families and visitors find it a great comfort.

All the best.