80 Year old has given up

[Gingerkittykat]

My exes mum was a fit and healthy 80 year old before lockdown. She spent time with her twin and son and went to various clubs. She went on holiday in March with them and had a great time.

She went into hospital for a couple of days for an infection and has now given up. She refuses to eat and has lost a stone, is physically aggressive to my ex who visits at least twice a day and is paranoid and accusing him of just caring about her money. She says she want's to die to be with her husband who died around 10 years ago.

The GP said it's her choice whether or not to eat or wash and has refused any support or treatment,

Is there anything people can do? It looks like she won't make it till lockdown lifts at this rate.

Really sorry to her this.

The GP is right, if she has capacity, no-one else can over-ride her wishes (and I think if any of us had reached the state where we really felt we'd had enough of life, we wouldn't want people prolonging our distress in the interests of "keeping us safe"). But I'd be worried that she still has the infection, and that's what's driving her decision making. The GP can't talk to you about her without her permission, or indeed do any tsts on her without her permission. But I'd be emphasising to him the speed of her decline and raising questions about whether she still has the infection, and move the focus of the conversation away from getting her to eat and look after herself.

But really I'm floundering here, and answering mainly to give you a "bump".

Thanks, I was afraid that nobody would be able to do anything. It is obviously my ex dealing with Drs and I will pass on what you said about the infection.

I would query whether she has a UTI - very common in older people and if she's refusing to drink/hasn't been drinking enough lately it wouldn't be surprising. A UTI can cause huge personality changes in older people. Has your ex discussed with the GP how rapid this decline has been? From going in holiday with friends in March and having a great time to two months later wanting to die?

When my father had his crash, I wrote down and got into his hospital notes a timeline of his conditions with dates, specifically that on a named date a few days before his admittance, he had walked to the bus stop, taken a bus to an appointment, then done his supermarket shopping and taken the bus home. This seemed to get the point home.

GPs and hospitals spend a lot of their time dealing with the frail confused elderly. So when they see an older person in front of them who is frail and confused, they assume this is their normal.

My gran did exactly the same in February.

She just decided she was done and it was time to go. She stopped eating and died.

I kind of respected her for it, but of course it was sad. She just decided her time was over and she wanted to leave.

I also wonder re UTI

If it’s lockdown, I understand. Would it make any difference if someone could take her somewhere nice? It would count as care for a vulnerable person.

But if she’s just decided to give up, I don’t blame her. I’m sorry, I know that’s no better for you.