Thoughts I need to unload - sorry

[gondrinkin]

I posted earlier with a query about my mum. It got me thinking about lots of things. When the phone rings I wish it was the worst news. She is in near constant pain, her body no longer works and the mind is following (parkinsons dementia).

I feel a sense of frustration, anger, and resentment, and here is the worst bit, some of it is directed towards her, that she won't die, that she may linger like this for years, how could she do this to us? getting so old and decrepit, awful, angry, selfish thoughts.

God, I just realised I'm writing this on a Saturday night, but I needed to get it out.

Thank you for reading.

In many ways these feelings are preparing you for the inevitable. We are expected as adults to have the ability to sort out problems but when we have no control or solution and can’t cope the result is an out pouring of emotions. Do you have anyone to talk to? You are overwhelmed and need support.

OP this might seem odd
But while I'm not in your position, I get it

I love my mum but I am terrified of the future. If she's anything like her older siblings, it's a long drawn out decline till 90. I try not to think about it because it scares me.

I actually find it helpful when posters say these things honestly because I feel less alone in my concerns. I feel like I spent years looking after parents.

My mum’s still very independent at 82 but her criticisms are less filtered and she is a stubborn mule. I am dreading her losing her independence and can see our relationship being strained.

I understand how you feel having a mum in a similar situation by the sounds of it. Some times we can't control our thoughts especially in stressful times, it doesn't mean that they reflect you as a person and are more an expression of the distress you feel.
If it makes you feel any better my siblings and I also hope for the phone call of my mum's passing to come soon as we have been doing this for 2 and a half years now and sometimes I wonder how we can keep going.
I dropped some milk off for my mum today and she was fretting about running out of toilet roll which is a regular concern for her despite having 4 rolls and I just felt really irritated with her and of course then felt extremely guilty. Recently my irritation has been much worse than it used to be.
We wouldn't allow our pets to suffer this way and it's awful watching a parent slowly decline.

Thanks for the replies.

I don't always feel like this and we've always had a good relationship. I'm lucky that I'm not the one doing the physical aspect of the caring but as Lilac and others have said I'm dreading this going on for much longer, it's death by a thousand cuts.

She's 'only' 82 but has been dogged by ill health for 30 years, nothing serious but the list of things 'wrong' with her was endless. Sometimes, in the past I've felt as though I'd run out of sympathy, because it was all she'd talk about.

OP that's the same age as mine

She doesn't have any major issues but has nearly died a couple of times

So you have the emotional upheaval, their recovery to supervise

Then all the endless niggles that seem to require taking them to several doc appointments, though that will probably end with covid

If I was more of a family person I think I'd feel differently but I never wanted children

Death by 1000 cuts is exactly what I fear. I can only keep my fingers crossed it doesn't happen.

My late father used to find it hard to listen to list of friends ailments. Luckily he's out of it now.

My poor mum was 'only' 72 when she had her stroke which was unfortunately a massive one.
She went from line dancing classes and singing in a choir to a pale shadow of her former self who can't leave the house without it being a major expedition.
I was expecting this in approximately10 years or so, it would have been better for all of us, mostly for her, if she had not survived.

I'm sorry to hear that MrsC.

Regarding my mum, I know 82 is more years than many people get, but I guess I am comparing her to my dad who is 90, and well, and some of her friends, some are whom are still gadding about full of life well into their 80s. Life just isn't fair I guess, our neighbour who was 60 died after a fall last year, he was fit and well beforehand and here is my mum who has been hospitalised again and again after falls and is still here with us.

When I hear of elderly parents of friends who have died suddenly or after a short illness I feel a bit envious tbh. It's hard to watch a long drawn out illness or decline no matter the age, to get back to your original post part of grief is feeling angry with the person who died no matter how illogical that is.
I would imagine that extends to people who are still here. I really try not to let my irritation show and let my sister take over for a while if I feel I'm burning out.
This too shall pass.....

“ When I hear of elderly parents of friends who have died suddenly or after a short illness I feel a bit envious tbh”

Hmm. This was my dad I guess, ten weeks from sudden hospitalisation till death. But....they didn’t think he was going to die. So it was ten weeks of hell. Constantly not knowing when they’d discharge him etc etc

Me thinking I was losing my mind because I thought any idiot could see there was a dying man in front of us but the doctors were determined to keep the virtual corpse going.

If someone had told me at the start “he’ll die at the end of this few months” I might not have suffered so much.

When I got the call, I was so relieved - but then I had to tell my mum and sister and they were so shocked i felt guilty.

Had he lived, he’d be in a nursing home right now with no visitors.

Just before my dad fell ill, I had a friend whose father was in hospital for months and he survived and now lives a sort of weird half life, with a lot of upset, because he doesn’t have mental capacity. All through dads illness, I thought that’s what we were heading for.

So I understand the sheer relief of the phone call and the fact that people might be waiting for it.

Mum has one sibling left and he’s deteriorating fast. I hope, for his sake, he goes peacefully and soon, but I am already dreading coping with mum having another huge bereavement.

I feel safe saying that here!

The thought of having to spend my 'golden years' pandering to an elderly husk of a person is absolutely appalling, my adult children have only just got to the stage where they no longer lean on me so much
I want to be free now

One thing I learnt from Dads journey with dementia was that you think the oddest things and think you are unique but quickly realise everyone has this roller coaster of emotions. You dont want them to suffer but want them to live for ever. And accepting that it cant be fixed by people just trying harder (whatever it is).

You are always welcome to come here and rant. I can guarantee whatever you think, someone will have thought it as well.

Helpful “ You dont want them to suffer but want them to live for ever”

Oh god no, I couldn’t cope with that. I don’t wish to do any spoilers but there’s an ending of a TV show where it’s shown that a mother lived to 100 and her daughter died in the same year, aged 70.

It upset me. I don’t want to deal with a parent for my whole life. If I’d wanted family stuff, I’d have had children.

I’ve just had mum on the phone for 1.5 hours. I know lockdown is making her crazy and I totally sympathise. But It’s hard being talked at by someone who is desperate for talk.

As she gets older and her friends die, it will get worse.

I don’t want to deal with a parent for my whole life
you have been born into enslavement, allowed a brief period where you have your own life and then reeled back in so that they can suck the life out of you and then live on after your death

I probably should rephrase that .its more ' I dont want them to die' rather than ' I want them to live forever'

bird are you writing a horror film? 😂

You know the old saying - your parents ruin the first half of your life and your children ruin the second?

As I’m childfree, and my parents nearly died so many times, I had no idea I’d be dealing with parents past about 35. It’s a shock.

You know the old saying - your parents ruin the first half of your life and your children ruin the second?
I never heard it:(
no one warned me:(
it should be changed now that the parents live long enough to have a second shot at crushing you

anyway, fu(k that sh1t, keep the inheritance old dudes...I'm done!

apols for taking your thread down the horror film path Lilac
Your feelings are totally understandable, I hope you can find a way to manage things which gives you peace of mind

“ it should be changed now that the parents live long enough to have a second shot at crushing you”

This is the bit I wasn’t prepared for.

I could do a lot more for mum but I’m fearful of creating a cycle of dependency.

I'm 65 still fit, live alone and independent. My father, mother and mum's 3 sisters all lived into their 90s. I just don't want to.

Although I am fine now I am still very aware I can't do what I used to do. I go up stairs one at a time rather than running up two at a time. An hour cutting the hedge and I need a rest etc etc. However slowly it is all downhill from now.

I'm not ready to go yet but the thought of slowly deteriorating for the next 30 years fills me with dread. Please, please, please make it possible for us to make our own decisions as to when we have had enough and not force us to go on existing until our tired bodies give up.

As you have said, we won't let animals suffer in the way we force our elderly to.

I thought any idiot could see there was a dying man in front of us but the doctors were determined to keep the virtual corpse going.

Oh yes they do that! I've seen that twice, I just kind of accept it as "one of those things" now.

I have all sorts of heartless thoughts pop into my head but have given up worrying about it - I seem to manage to still behave appropriately. I do talk situations through with my OH who doesn't take black humour the wrong way but I don't share all the weird stuff that comes waltzing into my brain!

I understand, both my grandmothers had long slow, and difficult declines. I would rather a short illness .
I know the tv show the pp is talking about, it made me laugh at the time, the writers joking that the daughter never escaped her mother.

Cherry I’d love somewhere to share the weird shit that comes into my brain. If OP is around, would you consider that okay?

I don’t understand why doctors do that, are they scared they’ll be sued?

Khione one of my friend’s mums died at 78. Walked miles a day, gardened for hours. Nice peaceful death from heart failure. Never went to the doctor so had no idea she had clogged arteries....I have reasons for avoiding the doctor at the moment but take antidepressants. I hope when I’m older I can come off them and never see the doc unless there’s an emergency. I think she went the right way, if she’d seen a doc for general checks, she’d be taking a mountain of pills and lived a lot longer.

Xylo cross post

It made me sad. I get carried away with tv shows though!