.My adoptive mum is dying and I don't know how to feel.

[Sarahlou63]

Just that really. She's 86 and was diagnosed with liver cancer a few weeks ago, no treatment recommended so she's in a nursing home - very frail and refusing to eat or drink so it can only be a matter of days now.

I'm in Portugal so no possibility of travelling. I didn't even know she was ill as my dad only told me a couple of week ago - he's a very stoical character and works on a 'need to know' basis. We haven't had a close relationship for many years, we can go weeks without contact and then it's only a "how are you, how's the weather?" type conversation. I have an adopted brother but we haven't spoken for 20+ years now.

I feel a bit numb. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

A little. My Dad is deteriorating and lives right across the country. We aren't terribly close (he is also a very unemotional chap).
I call him up, and used to send him treats while he was still eating more or less ok.
He sleeps a lot of the time anyway as I suspect your Mum does now.
It's a painful situation but you can only do what you can. Don't worry about what you do or don't feel, as long as you're still happy about whatever you're actually doing.

Sorry for what you are going through. It is an awful time. Can you ring the home directly and speak to her carers? They might be able to use an Ipad to let you video call your Mum. Even if she seems asleep she might be able to hear or get comfort from your voice. Also you could write her a letter and they would read it out to her.

She died peacefully this morning. Dad seems ok at the moment.

Sorry to hear your news. Must be difficult when you are so far from your Dad. Hopefully you and he can FaceTime or what’s app so you can actually see each other’s faces in the coming days to help make him seem closer.

Gosh I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you feel peace for yourself now that your mum is at peace. Hoping you have close people around you so you can talk through how you might feel. 💜

Sorry to hear this. A tricky thing to process. Thinking of you x

I’m so sorry for your loss. It can feel even more deep and confusing when emotions are not straightforward. 💐 I hope you have rl support where you are, and that you can take time out to grief and reflect x

Sorry for your loss- whatever you feel is fine . I never shed a tear when my dad died . I only hate anyone mentioning it as I sound cold hearted when I say I just don’t care.

Don’t expect what you feel now to be the same .💐

I’m so sorry for your loss

Death is always difficult, no matter the circumstances. There is always someone who is left behind wondering “what if” and hoping things had been different; whether that’s an entire relationship or the tiniest detail.

All I can say (having lost a parent myself), is to take each day as it comes and be prepared for emotions you might not have expected. I was very, very angry after my dad died, then numb for a few years, then devastated. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but the most important thing is that you don’t try to shut off those feelings. Whatever it is that comes up, try to acknowledge it, accept it, then let go.

Sending lots of unMNetty hugs, hope you are as ok as you can be

I think what stands out for me is that you call her your adoptive mum. I wonder what it is that means you use this term, and whether these issues are related to your feelings (or lack thereof).
There is no rulebook to say how you should feel. As previous posters suggest, biological relationships can end like this too. I suspect it is raising all sorts of things you have maybe not really addressed, or had resolved if you tried to.
I think give yourself time & talk to someone about how you feel; someone sensible who won’t judge but can help you make sense of it all.
It can be very difficult to deal with the death of someone of you haven’t resolved how you feel about, so be patient with yourself.

@Sarahlou63
My Dad passed away a couple of days ago.
Take care of yourself, it's a funny old time.

@CherryRicePasta