Coping with caregiver burnout

[Briella]

I found this thread from 2012.....from Avalon85. It was incredibly eerie as it felt as if I were reading a story about my situation. My story in incredibly long. But will keep it as short as possible. My dad died in 2014....I moved my devastated mom next door to us into a home my husband remodeled for her. 4 years later, after several incedents, from mild to severe, she has now been living with us for the past 7 months. She has CHF, Diabeties type II, Chronic kidney disease, and was diagnosed with Sundown dementia. She is 4' 11" and 187lbs. Depends on a walker. Will not get involved with any group, anything, or anyone. I have tried everything. I am the youngest of 5 children. Oldest is recovering from breast cancer, and my only brother is a recovered drug addict living with the mental consequences. My other two sisters are MIA unless it is to tell me what I need to do differently.
I know I am not alone and that is why I am reaching out for the first time. My husband is just like Avalon's is in her story. He is amazing though.....I know I could not have done this for so long without him. I am 49 yrs old. Married for 20 years. Am hoping to connect with other caregivers in the hopes that we can encourage and support one another.

I am so sorry- sounds horrendous. Have you been in touch with social services for an assessment? Or carers uk locally for support and information?
You should not have to handle all this alone. You are entitled to your own life.
Has your dm got attendance allowance etc? Might be tricky at the moment but there is help out there. 🌺🌺

Hello! Was so good to hear from someone. I am actually going to reach out to someone today. My mom has mild dementia - some days are good - some days not so good. Last night she started crying again and asking if she could just move back to her house and get a puppy and a new car, etc..... She just won't accept where she is today and she has so many things to be grateful for. She is beyond blessed. My dad left her with a decent income and my husband and I own our own business and successful. My mom has the entire first floor to herself minus a full kitchen. Which she does not need because she did not even cook for herself prior to moving in with us. I cooked all of her meals then.....she has to be on a cardiac diet and diabetic diet. Every morning I wake her, take her vitals, give her shots, meds, breakfast. I set her hair 3x a week. I feel awful for saying this but I have no life....I miss my husband....my mom is a master manipulator. She makes me feel bad, makes snide comments, talks out loud to herself all day, & is only happy if she is buying something or eating something sweet. I hope I do not sound whiny....just being honest.

Glad you are going to seek help.
Wisdom from the many voices on here over the years....
You are not whiny! You have a right to be happy and your own life. You are not responsible for your mothers happiness and cannot make her happy.
Please seek professional help so you can step back to be a daughter not a carer. My experience with dm is when I have either had to take that role on or took it on the relationship deteriorated massively.
There are some great carers out there. Arrange, don’t do.
You deserve to be happy.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. It is so very hard. I do not like my life right now. I love her but really can't say I "like" her most days. I wish she would give Asst living a chance. My dad raised me as he was disabled in the military and my mum went to work. He was always happy....glass half full and just loved life! Thx again.

Wisdom gained from many wise ones on here. Please look after yourself- what would happen to her if you did burn out?
Please look at getting support

Can you employ a mobile hairdresser to do her hair ( but she pays)
This would give your DM someone else to socialize

A cleaner would also provide this, someone who is kind & chatty

After the lockdown/virus has passed

This would free up some time for you physically & emotionally

Does this mean you can't go on a day out, a holiday, what happens if you get sick ?

Why aren't your siblings helping you ?

Do they phone or write letters to your DM ?

Hi D1stancet00far....
My sisters never have time. Always have an excuse....they do call at least once a week or two weeks.
I do not know what would happen if I were to become very sick....

Are you in the UK?

@Briella Hi Briella,
So sorry you’re going through this difficult time. With the Coronavirus having affected everything, I can imagine it’s really added to your load. There’s a free short video course www.jugglingcare.com/p/preparing-for-caregiving that might be worth giving a go – it helps people look at different aspects of their caring. Well done for reaching out.

Ifoughtforliberty.....hi. I am in the U.S.
Family from the UK....
I honestly am at a loss. I am so tired and feeling resentful. Feeling guilty is the worst. My head tells me the logic side but my heart saids another. Don't know if that makes sense.....???

If you are on Facebook there's a group you can join called Caring for elderly parents. The members are mostly American. It is a place to get advice from caring, health care, aides who come into your home to being a place to vent.