Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

[MintyCedric]

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

I originally started writing about 10 years ago when I was off the meds. Went back on them and kind of tapped out.

I got back into writing last year after my dad came out of hospital. I'd also been having counselling for something unrelated and was on my tiny dose.

If I have to consider I will but I don't really want to rock the boat. If I felt I was suffering with anxiety or depression because of a chemical imbalance, which has been the case in the past, I wouldnt hesitate, but I'm reluctant to go down that path when the cause of my issues is largely external.

If I can control those factors I'll be fine...they're just not being very cooperative at the moment!

Have you discussed your worries about the citalopram with your GP?

Being honest, what will affect your writing most is being anxious (as you have already realised), closely followed by being out of it due to diazepam. Diazepam is a nice feeling but it is a short term fix, doesn't help your anxiety in the long term and is dangerously addictive.

I speak as someone who has been on citalopram for >10 years and likes to think they are a relatively normal person, still in touch with my emotions and all that.

Cross posted with you - oh I've never controlled my external factors in um... over 10 years. Waiting for retirement as usually my job is 90% of the problem Some bastard thing will probably crop up then too knowing my luck.

I'm at peace with being a meds person and have been for a long time. But I wasn't and it took me a long time to be at peace with it. I hope you find your solution but I just wanted to say meds are OK but they must be the right ones - not sleepers and diazepam. You are heading to disaster there.

Anna I've also been on and off Citalopram for donkey's years and have accepted I'll probably be on it to some extent for life. I've got a very underactive thyroid and although that medication keeps me ticking over physically I suspect it doesn't quite touch the brain chemicals so the small dose of cipramil takes care of that.

Wrt diazepam I've take 3 prescriptions in four years at the lowest possible dose. It's my safety net when the breathing exercises, aromatherapy baths, rescue remedy and a glass or two wine fail to have the desired effect.

I only take it late in the evening if I have a really bad anxiety/panic attack.

Feel your pain with the job...I have one that frequently tends to be the perfect storm of highly stressful and mind numbingly boring at the same time

Just being able to offload honestly to people who 'get it' and don't judge makes such a difference. Hopefully this is what you get from the local carers group, along with practical information based on how things are arranged locally. Give it a go, and drop out if it's not for you.

Excellent...just logged on to local Carer's Support website as signposted by local counselling service.

"Unfortunately we are unable to offer counselling support at this time...please contact your GP or [local counselling service]"

So, no counselling support, no respite care...marvellous.

Most services are offering telephone counselling. Very poor response in your area.

How are you doing minty?

Plodding on thanks sandwich.

Mum is still struggling massively. If it wasn't for the virus I think the best thing all round would be for Dad to have residential care. Mum's doing her best but she's highly strung, flappy and impatient.

I had to manoevre him out to the loo this evening and it was a real struggle. Aside from the weight bearing his coordination is going down hill so trying to support his weight, low as it is, and steer him, is challenging. He knows who we are but gets confused with days, times and meals. We're having to feed him sometimes or, for instance,
he'll try and eat cereal with his hands.

Docs are now saying "well, we just don't really know what's happening or how long to expect it to go on for", so we're completely in limbo as regards the future. On Sunday he was in a really bad way and I fully expected to get a call within 12 hours of leaving to say he'd gone. On Monday he was sat up in bed, mainlining tea and sarnies and thoroughly engaged with an episode of Escape to the Country.

DD is back to school 2 days a week from Monday. I am tempted to tell Mum I'm working those days (I will be from home anyway) and tell work I can't go in because of caring commitments, which is awful but might just keep me on an even keel.

I've decided to make my life as easy as possible next week so have ordered all pre-prepared food, a metric fuckton of tapas for lunches and a packet of paper plates to at least eliminate catering demands and mess!

There was a lovely thing today though.

When I was probably between 11-13 my dad, who left school at 14 with barely two qualifications to rub together, took it upon himself to read the entire works of Thomas Hardy.

Tonight I got to settle him into bed and read two chapters of Under the Greenwood Tree to him as he dozed off

@MintyCedric

Plodding on thanks sandwich.

Mum is still struggling massively. If it wasn't for the virus I think the best thing all round would be for Dad to have residential care. Mum's doing her best but she's highly strung, flappy and impatient.

I had to manoevre him out to the loo this evening and it was a real struggle. Aside from the weight bearing his coordination is going down hill so trying to support his weight, low as it is, and steer him, is challenging. He knows who we are but gets confused with days, times and meals. We're having to feed him sometimes or, for instance,
he'll try and eat cereal with his hands.

Docs are now saying "well, we just don't really know what's happening or how long to expect it to go on for", so we're completely in limbo as regards the future. On Sunday he was in a really bad way and I fully expected to get a call within 12 hours of leaving to say he'd gone. On Monday he was sat up in bed, mainlining tea and sarnies and thoroughly engaged with an episode of Escape to the Country.

DD is back to school 2 days a week from Monday. I am tempted to tell Mum I'm working those days (I will be from home anyway) and tell work I can't go in because of caring commitments, which is awful but might just keep me on an even keel.

I've decided to make my life as easy as possible next week so have ordered all pre-prepared food, a metric fuckton of tapas for lunches and a packet of paper plates to at least eliminate catering demands and mess!

Hi Minty I absolutely think you need those 2 days to your self. Sod going in to work and you do more than enough at your parents as it is. You have to look after yourself or you will end up ill as well.

Lunches sound perfect for next week, the less mess and stress the better!

Take care x

Thanks flygirl

Not off to a great start this morning. We've been up half an hour and mum has been in floods of tears from the get go. She is currently ironing and sobbing in the kitchen while I 'work' at the dining room table.

I wish I could feel more sympathy for her and I feel so guilty that I don't. When she breaks down all I see is self-pity/obsession and dramatics, which is really unfair of me as I know she is having a really hard time both physically and emotionally.

I suppose my reaction stems from her always having used her emotions to manipulate me, and the fact that throughout all of this she has not once asked how I feel about the fact that I am losing my dad.

She described the situation this morning as 'like a running sore that won't heal' and she's not wrong, but all I heard was her describing my dad that way, rather than the situation and I just had to push down the anger and not respond.

I am only here so much because of Covid, I wouldn't be able to take all this time off work in normal circumstances. I have a telephone CPD meeting at 10 this morning and need to get home for plumber at midday and my stomach is already in knots wondering how the hell I'm going to get away without a scene.

She won't engage with counselling. I though I was getting somewhere with increasing carers but that idea seems to have gone backwards. We haven't even had a phone call from the district nurse this week.

I just don't know how we're supposed to keep this up in the long term, which it's increasingly seems to be what we're looking it. Maybe not years, but certainly not the 'couple of months' we were told originally.

Just a painfully slow, erratic decline with virtually no quality of life for Dad, while mum becomes less and less able to cope and just keep spinning plates until one of them smashes to the ground.

Sorry - just needed to get that all out of my system before I do some actual work.

When you're stressed yourself, one of the first things that goes is the energy to sympathise with other people. I'm much more tolerant of my father now I'm not running round after him sorting out his messes. You can't expect to sympathise with your Mum in your position.

Your mum needs support from someone other than you- could the friend help persuade re carers etc?
I would tell her you are back at work those two days per week. This might be a marathon.

Home now...plumber came early but DD dealt with him (have known him for years and he was only tweaking something he installed just before lockdown).

Work have asked if I 'feel able' to come at all (after lots of subtle digging about how dad is and whether we've got more carers sorted yet ). Have told them I'm hoping to come in some days when DD is in, but would prefer to play it by ear rather than commit to anything, although have suggested one day next week.

Have not said anything too specific to mum. She seems to take things better one day at a time rather than if I try and say there's x days I wont be here for the next 6 weeks.

Feel absolutely drained. Lovely DD has just offered to walk to the supermarket in the rain to get me a packet of paninis and chocolate.

I'm going to check my emails, tidy up and spend the rest of the day under a blanket snuggling my cat and watching shite on telly.

Yes, I'm going to speak to mums friend over the weekend. She was really helpful before.

Mum will listen to her because she's had experience and is objective. When I suggest anything the emotions kick in and she thinks I'm just suggesting carers to get myself off the hook.

When I left at midday she said 'This is the hardest thing, I shall cry when you're gone...like I always do"

I told her I could do without the guilt trip and she denied that was what all she was doing!

'This is the hardest thing, I shall cry when you're gone...like I always do" That is one of those things which is totally unhelpful. Exactly what are you expected to do about it? When you're at a distance you can be rightly annoyed at it, but it's more difficult when you're in the middle of it.

...followed up by lengthy message about her looking at a sheltered accommodation place for the two of them containing phrases such as...

"hopefully who ever goes first the other will be settled and therefore not a burden to you in the future..."

"I can't go on living this existence with having no one other than you to talk to.."

"...you will not have to think about us and whether you need to come round which I know you say you don't mind but I have the feeling that we are a bit too much of a burden for you in many ways."

Have now had a call from her to let me know that carer has discovered whilst washing dad that he's obviously had a fall overnight, cut himself in two places and badly bruised his back. He's not supposed to be getting out of bed and hadn't mentioned it to mum this morning even though she noticed that the wardrobe door (which he'd fallen into before) was askew.

She wants me to help her get a GP appointment on Monday and I'll need to be around to sit with dad while she attends. The carer has also advised that we get a practice nurse out to look at dad.

Although mum was seeming more amenable to increasing carers, she's now saying there's no point as they can't be there when he needs to use the commode which is the biggest problem. I swear they are both obsessed with his bowel movements and I have limited sympathy for mum. I get that physically it's challenging for her to get him onto it, but half her issue is the smell and cleaning up. It's not pleasant but we all shit and 'for better, for worse' right?

I've just said to her that I think I will have to give my job at as there is too much to manage with them practically let alone in terms of the emotional support they need, and she said 'well you do what you have to do' in stroppy tone of voice and hung up on me.

I feel like I have two choices here - either give up on them entirely and live with the guilt, or give up my life and independence to care for them and try and live with the resentment.

No matter what you do your mother will give you this emotional blackmail abusive shit- this is who she is and always has been!

You need to go "Yes, moving into suitable accommodation would make both your lives better"

Do not give up your life or sanity for them... they have options but your mother would rather blackmail you into giving up it all for them and then she should still complain that you didn't do enough or that your attitude wasn't good enough.

Your mum is having toddler tantrum after toddler tantrum!

Completely agree with random
You can never do enough. Get the friend to talk to her about more carers.

You need to go "Yes, moving into suitable accommodation would make both your lives better"

That was how I approached it last night with her, as tbh I'd already looked into the possibility for her, post-Dad, a few weeks ago. I don't think it would work for them together due to lack of space and dad's needs, but would be an excellent option for her alone.

Needless to say this morning they've 'had another talk' and are already thinking it won't work. We've now gone back "x had her mum move in with her".... "y sold up and brought a bigger house so his father in law could move in" and of course reminded me firmly of the fact that they 'took me and DD in' for nearly two years when I had to leave my abusive marriage, and helped me buy my house (they offered as they were keen for me to not have to worry about ground rent, maintenance etc - the bulk of the deposit was my settlement and I have max mortgage. They were very generous but we're not talking half the house here).

Living together was incredibly stressful. The only way we could conceivably do it would be if we got somewhere with a completely separate granny annexe, which we would never be able to afford or agree on location, style etc.

I have no idea of how I'm going to deal with years more of this. She'll only get worse when dad goes.

You tell her "that isn't an option, we lived together before and it isn't the right thing for DD and I"

Shut it down like that every time.

Your Mum can move into sheltered when Dad goes. You can tell your Mum if she doesn't get carers in including overnight then Dad will have to go into a care or nursing home.

Please please please get to grips with the FOG you are in. Your Mum will never be happy she will always moan that what you do and how you are is inadequate.

She was talking about him 'going in somewhere' the other day.

I pointed out that whilst I do see where she's coming from, it will mean that we're unable to visit him.

She promptly burst into tears and blamed me for making her feel guilty.

Have spoken to lovely friend who has known mum since before I was born.

She totally gets it and is going to have a word with her about increasing carer input without mentioning that she's spoken to me.

Fingers crossed!

Your mum sounds very manipulative. Please don't bow down to her and give up your job. As PP have said, even if you did that and let her move in with you, the complaining and guilt tripping would never stop.

I think the best bet once your dad has gone (sorry hope that is not too upsetting) is for her to go into sheltered housing. There is plenty available in your town as I was looking for mum until she got admitted to hospital. That way, she would have company, someone else to moan with and means you would not feel so obliged to visit constantly.

Sounds like your dad really needs carers in, can you get the elderly care team to visit and assess?