Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

[MintyCedric]

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

Is this specific work-anxiety rather than parent-anxiety? Someone I knew recently went back to work after 16 weeks off, he has (apparently, because you can never really tell) a job he loves, happy family set up with no problems, everyone in perfect health, everyone working (apart from him). He had never had such a long break in his whole working life and was really worried about going back into work. He couldn't say what he was worried about, it was that nameless formless dread and fear of the unknown.

It isn't just you, I think many people will be worried about a return to a work environment after WFH for this long. There will be changes to the way things are done so it's not even as if it's dropping back into a familiar environment where everything is known. It's actually reasonable for you to have some concerns about returning, even if you didn't have your family situation to contend with.

(The 16 week furloughed friend was fine btw, he said by the end of the first day it was as if he'd never been away)

minty you’ve had no break- and the anxiety about what is coming must be immense.
I know you’ve said before that you didn’t want to take ads but please reconsider- they can really help you cope and be better able to engage with counselling.
🌺🌺

Knot it's a bit of both. I always dread going back to work. The job was godsend financially and practically when I left my XH but four years later...

I find the relentlessness of 9 hours a day (inc travel) 5 days a week, with no option to take a day off here and there just leaves me feeling stressed and trapped. Add on the additional external stressors, Covid and the fact that autumn term is the longest and toughest of the year.

I'm very good at going into autopilot but I'm worried something will trigger me and I'll snap. The onslaught of well meaning colleagues asking about my holidays, the lack of understanding of the majority of them - including my immediate managers - if I'm struggling with the home situation, the absolute onslaught of queries and issues from parents and students which will be a million times worse this year because of the virus.

And of course in the back of my head is the fact I've got a to do list a mile long because I've not had a chance to catch up with any household stuff over the summer, not sleeping and constantly being on edge waiting for the next crisis.

It's just all a bit shit.

the sandwich I am taking a low dose of ADs and occasional diazepam for particulary bad days/panic attacks. I'm loathe to take more as I'm worried it will interfere with my writing which is the one thing of my own im desoerately trying to cling on to.

If I could just get a decent amount of time away from people and their associated demands to 'reset' it would help enormously.

I guess I'm far from the only person that feels like that though.

I think I automatically associate my workplace with stress tbh.

Aside from the job itself, which is not what I would choose to be doing given a decent alternative, I have spent over four years there, only 8 months of which have been devoid of external stressor.

Is there any option to look for a new job? I know it's easier said than done, but maybe knowing this job is just a stopgap until something better comes along, might make it feel more bearable. Is there anyone you can talk to regarding requiring flexible working or phased return? I know it's much more difficult in an educational environment, but if you had a medical letter stating that such intervention is needed, surely they have to comply?

I have an expression of interest in for a jibbid absolutely love but the recruitment process is on hold indefinitely at the moment. I have seen something else for the same organisation which o may look into although it's quite a commute and only a six month contract, albeit with a view to extending.

Is there anyone you can talk to regarding requiring flexible working or phased return?

It would be a waste of time. My employer is admittedly great in an emergency but longer term support is a no-no.

I asked to reduce my hours by 8 hours a week for 5 weeks unpaid when my dad broke his back last year. Was refused. Ended up being signed off with stress. OH involved after 5 days (supposed to be 14). They recommended a 4-6 week phased return. I was allowed 2 weeks and then they tried to haul me over the coals because the counselling sessions I was having were extended and overran due to counsellor being on a course/annual leave.

How are things?

Not too bad thanks (shocker !!!).

Dad is coming home some time next week. I've left it all in mum's capable hands to arrange and it seems to be coming together okay.

I had yesterday 'off' and am taking mum up for a visit later and then staying over rather than going tomorrow when I've got work on Friday.

Still not loving the thought of going back, but at the same time I think the normality - as tedious as it is - might not be a bad thing. I also don't want to blot my copybook in terms of getting a reference when the other job opens for applications.

If things do get too much, then so be it. What I'm dreading more than anything is people going on about the holidays and asking me about mine. Am debating messaging my immediate colleagues and saying 'hope you've had a great summer break, mine has been rather challenging due to personal circumstances so hope you don't mind but I'd prefer not to talk about it when we get back'. Not sure if that's a good idea or a bit wanky?

I'm also going to do what I did last autumn term and spend my 30 minute lunch break in my car to get some space to read or do a meditation app. I've just treated myself to an Auto Alexa so I can listen to my audiobooks, music etc with decent sound, and will plan some really nice lunches just to break the day up and make it a bit more bearable.

Might try and squeeze in some batch cooking over the weekend and get some nice, easy dinner in too.

Should add - and would make clear - I'm very happy to hear about everyone else's holidays. Just really don't want to be asked/talk about mine!

I think it's fine to send a message but I'd include the bare details. Eg "my dads health has taken a downward turn, was in a care home etc so you can understand it's been a stressful 'holiday' I'd prefer not to talk about it all tbh but can't wait to hear about your holidays. See you friday'

Yes, I'll do that.

We're not all back until next Thursday, and I know other colleagues may ask but it will be in passing.

I work with 4 others, none of whom have once messaged me to ask how things are going. Two of them (line managers) I feel really don't 'get it', which makes me a bit ratty, and one of them I haven't seen since March as she's been shielding. She's very young and gushy and that's not me at the best of times and the last thing I need at the moment, however well intentioned.

Plan A - the truth "my holidays have been absolutely shite due to family circumstances and I'm actually glad to be at work. I don't even want to think about it - tell me more about XXX instead"

Plan B, deflection "Well it's all been a bit weird this year and I didn't get away or do anything. Tell me more about (your thing) though, I'd love to hear about it.

If you have your eye on the other job then I'd be keeping my personal life shut firmly away and be going with dull, boring and nothing to see here. Sweeping generalisation here - people only want to talk about themselves and really they aren't interested in what you got up to, they just feel obliged to ask so then they can talk about themselves some more.(Or was that just my colleagues?)

If you have your eye on the other job then I'd be keeping my personal life shut firmly away and be going with dull, boring and nothing to see here.

Thats exactly my plan tbh. I am a bit of a motormouth though and not great at hiding my feelings, which is why I'd rather bung a message on the group chat and have done with it.

Hello @MintyCedric, apologies for lurking without posting until now. Didn't think I could help in any way (still don't!) but wanted to let you know there's someone else willing you on and sending you virtual strength and care from the other side of a keyboard.

What you're doing is incredibly hard, and I say that from the position of having cared for a dear friend living in very sheltered accommodation for a couple of years before they sadly passed away. The staff served meals, did laundry and general housework but the cooking, shopping, hospital appointments, wheelchair arrangement, hair washing, financial management and a billion other things was down to me and the mental load was indescribable. If there was any issue then I'd be called out by the staff. I went over every day before work, half of Saturday and collected them on a Sunday for dinner, they came before my family and my own mental health certainly took a bash.

You've had great advice here which I can only reinforce. Please let your mouth open and say no, listen to your screaming inner voice begging for a break and don't allow it to be drowned out by everyone else's demands.
KOKO

Thank you married

Back at work today, just me and the line managers in. Didn't send the message and git a bit of a grilling from each of them independently. They were nice enough but it's hard not to wonder if there's an agenda.

Anyway, three days off now, lovely evening planned with DD tonight, and tomorrow she's out with her dad early doors and staying over at his as she's going to a get together at a friend's nearby in the evening.

Hoping to get a whole day of writing then an evening of watching trashy films/boasts in

box sets!

Sounds like a good plan

Hi Minty it's been a bit quiet in here these few days so hope you've been chilling out and no major dramas . Also is the plan for your Dad to come home still on for this week ?
Hope your back to school wasn't too much.

Hey...yes it's been pretty OK here too for a change so I've been enjoying the peace!

Still been busy with work and visiting the Olds but it's all been a bit more relaxed.

However...dad is coming home tomorrow and we have yet to be informed of when transport are picking him up and bringing him back, or what care is in place!

I hope that the move back home for him goes ok. Also that your mum has taken it in that you are unable to drop everything to go round there .
I can't help but think ( unfortunately ) that she will revert back to expecting you to be able to wave your fairy wand to solve all the problems . Keep strong !

Hope his move went well, go and make them a brew then go home with the phone off

Hope all are well and safe

Hi, thanks for all your messages.

Dad is still at the home and the CHC couldn't find an agency with sufficient capacity to put the care package he needs in place.

Mum called today and discovered that the home have told them he needs 2x carers 4x a day. Mum explained that he only had 3 visits a day prior to going in and his condition hasn't changed significantly so they are going to see if it's easier to put that in place.

But your mum couldn't cope with only 3 visits? I'm sorry to keep banging the same drum minty, but listen to the experts. Let them put an appropriate care package in place. I hope you're ok.

MInty, hope you are ok. Listen to the CH, my DM is being dishcarged from hers next week with 24 hour care initially. No she does not need that much but it is much easier to reduce it than to increase it. It might be worth waiting to get the correct amount of care.

What times were the 3 calls previously?