Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

[MintyCedric]

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

I can understand the approach of the nursing home. We used to actively discourage family, especially carer visits when I worked in a hospital that provided respite care for people with dementia. The respite would not be withdrawn if they did visit, but they would have had the 'talk' from the senior nurse.

DPotter is right. The point of respite care is to give carers a break.

We're only allowed to visit for an hour at a time and haven't gone every day, 5/7 but given it's his first week I don't think that's too crazy.

Anyway popped up and had a chat with Dad and one of senior nurses this morning. Told him it would really help if he could stay a couple of extra weeks, see if he settles a bit more and give mum a chance to get her physical health issues addressed and the review the situation. Stressed the point that if he does come home I will be at work and largely unavailable.

He's agreed to stay on and we'll review the situation in 10 days or so.

I've also told SN about the impact it's having on my mental health and she agrees that we might have to insist on him staying put. He can also potentially be moved to a different room if he stays long term (current room is next to the kitchen so quite noisy).

Then went to tell mum...she's now very wobbly about 'making him stay there', and was implying she would talk to him later.

Told her in no uncertain terms how the situation was affecting me (which she brushed off with 'you wouldn't do that, you've got a daughter to think about' ), and that I'd done my best and if she wants to start changing things again it's entirely up to her.

If she insists on bringing him home, I will call adult social services and explain the situation then leave them to deal with it.

Good for you, well done. I think you deserve some sort of a reward for sticking up for yourself and having a plan. Maybe a new pen to do your writing with or a new journal - something that puts a smile on your face.

It took me a hell of a long time to say no and mean it and see that my needs were just as important as everyone else's. My experience has been that the people who are most upset about you being firm with your boundaries are the people who are used to taking advantage of you.

I'm not excusing her behaviour at all, but surely it's not that unusual for people to be anxious when their loved one goes into residential care for the first time, or for them to want to visit more frequently.

It is isn't but with the best will in the world Minty, I don't think that you can see that your mum is not in the normal scale of mums. She has been doing you over since you were a small child and although transition into a care home is hard, it isn't usually this hard.

Your Mum is "being all wobbly" because she wants the attention on her...

She wants all your emotional energy comforting her and saying how done to she is, meanwhile you seriously contemplating suicide is to be ignored.

Your Mum is so so so far from normal or reasonable you are blind to it.

minty, well done. Hold the line. And please contact adult ss NOW before the s£&* hits the fan and also before you are back at work.
Easier to get the ducks in a row NOW.
LET YOUR MUM WOBBLE.
Look after yourself. It’s respite for YOU too.....

Well done Minty! Sounds like a good visit. At this point you need to start switching off to your mum. When she starts 'wobbling' simply state a few facts and step away. She only does it because she knows you'll react.

You are absolutely right - if your mum changes the plan and your DH ends up going home, you do NOTHING to help. It will be hard for you I know, but they will quickly realise that the situation is not tenable. Hoping you can have a relaxing day today.

Tbh bloody dad isn't helping!

Anyway, had phone therapy session this lunchtime. Told her about Sunday and basically sobbed for 45 minutes.

Therapist is going to give my GP the head's up in case I find returning to work a struggle and referring me to the local assessment and treatment team who provide long term and specialised MH support.

Feel absolutely exhausted but have just had tea and chocolate and going to have nap as have a friend coming over this evening. Not massively in the mood tbh but I don't think I've seen her this year so hopefully will perk up a bit.

I know you must be exhausted but you e done brilliantly today. If you keep a journal write down all the positive things you've done
Was clear to sn
Told dad what needed to happen to benefit everyone
Was honest with therapist
Made yourself heard to your mum
Set boundaries for yourself.

Marvellous job today

Woken from nap 15 minutes early (I always set a timer) by mum knocking on the window and peering in...10 minutes before follow up call.

Invited her in for coffee but was half asleep and utterly shell shocked. The sudden interruption of the afternoon almost reduced me to tears. DD said afterwards she thought I was having a panic attack as my leg was twitching violently (I wasn't even aware of it).

Anyway went upstairs to take call from counsellor and got down five minutes later to discover mum leaving, obviously with the hump.

Haven't heard from her since so sent a short message when my friend left 15 minutes ago and expecting a row tomorrow .

Counsellor has consulted her managers (she's newly trained) and is sending letter to my GP asking for an urgent referral to the assessment and treatment team within the next 5 working days.

Good luck with everything 💐

Minty
this is your chance.
If your Mum does start itching for a row - pull away. Say very firmly - I'm not going to argue or be brow beaten by for taking a private call from my counsellor
If she continues and you're at her house - get up and leave. If she's at yours get up open the door for her and ask her to leave.
I know this sounds harsh, but lets be honest she has no compunction in railroading over your boundaries so you will need to be firm to get through to her

minty gird your loins gal, this is crunch time. As dp says walk. Don’t engage.
Protect those boundaries. You can do this.

I'm having a day at home today so if there's any argument it'll be over the phone anyway.

I like mum coming to see me, if we've arranged it, but not out of the blue and it was very bad timing.

I'm extremely protective of my space - when I was married I was walking on eggshells in my home nearly all the time so my new home is very much my safe space.

DD's birthday parties aside, I've probably had no more than 12 people over the doorstep in the 2.5 years we've lived here (and there's only 2 men I'll happily let in, if others have to ie boiler servicing or DDs boyfriend the cats actually hide because they don't have a clue whats going on)

Tbh that's probably something else I need therapy for!

If she starts arguing on the phone calmly repeat "don't come around when you haven't been invited, I'm hanging up now. Speak tomorrow" and then do it, hang up.

You need to stamp out her popping around uninvited else she will start on that ALL THE TIME!

She doesn't generally tbf, and was stopping off to tell me how my uncles visit to dad had gone.

Was just monumentally shitty timing.

It's not your job to make her happy and she is the one in charge of her feelings. If she tells you you were rude for not dropping everything and waiting on her then the answer is that she should have said she was coming and then you could have agreed a more convenient time. Your second sentence has the perfect wording. If she wants to be upset and angry then that's her choice, you have nothing to apologise for.

Boundaries - you are allowed to have them whether your mother likes them or not. If you had therapy for the EA in your marriage you might find that helpful in thinking about the relationship with your mum. It should be a relationship of equals but you are supposed to orbit her sun and sacrifice yourself to her happiness. Your decision making process shouldn't have your mum's desires at the heart of it.

If she gives you an earful on the phone you are allowed to hang up, it would be quite reasonable to say that this is a conversation better done face to face, you don't want to talk about it now and then if she still runs on, byemumclick. This relationship has to change and she won't want it to so she is going to be upset and angry, there is no way round it.

I always write an essay, sorry. You deserve a better life than this love, you really do. You are going to have one too, it's just around the corner.

Just called...no major drama.

She managed to drive herself to the home yesterday (it's 5 minutes away but across a v.busy dual carriageway) and is planning to go again today.

Sounds like she's still thinking about bringing jim home. I said nothing.

him not Jim...if she brought him home it would be a bit of a shock as that's not my dad!

I just wish women would stop thinking that it is their responsibility to do everything and care for everyone but themselves. That path leads to mental and physical exhaustion and resentment.

Your priority should be your own welfare and that of your kids. Full stop.

Why would you have to lose your job and your home and put your own financial security at risk in the long term? or losing your entire life and chance of another relationship for years to come?

You are doing what you can by being there at a time of crisis short term but you need to think about yourself when planning for the long term.

That includes involving social services to help look after your mum if she can no longer cope alone.

Not everyone is suited to be a carer and there is nothing wrong with admitting this and looking for alternative solutions.

You already sound frantic, imagine in what state you would be after months or years of this...

If she plans to bring him home, just say I hope you've got everything in place before he comes home as I'll be at work and unable to help much. I need to work so won't be available for emergencies at night or in the day, so please make sure that the alarm people know you're home. I'll pop in to sit with him at tea time twice a week, and a few hours on Sunday. So apart from that you'll have to make sure carers are in place so you can cope.

Give her all the responsibility to sort and arrange, if people ring you just redirect you back to them. Have you heard of the analogy where the husband is rubbish at ironing so the wife won't ask again. She's rubbish at arranging things so that you can do it. If she needs the doctor there's her car or a taxi, she can arrange a carer to sit with dad.

Remember you do care but you don't have to show that by skivvying after her.

Don't even say "I won't be able to help much"

You need to say
"I cannot help at all anymore, I am too unwell myself"

I'm glad to hear there was no drama on the phone call.

You are not responsible for her choices. She can make damn fool ones if she chooses but then she can sort out the consequences. It's what we teach our kids, if we swoop in and fix their problems each and every time then they learn that there are no consequences for foolish behaviour because mum will sort it.

If she can drive herself to the home does this mean that she can drive herself to the doctors? Is it the same dual carriageway?

Doctor's is even easier to get to.

She's lost a lot of confidence as obviously hasn't been anywhere for months and is suffering from bad knee pain.

She has an x-ray booked next week - the day she wants to bring dad home and also the day I go back to work. Have pointed this out. She says she'll cancel the x-ray if needs be.

I didn't bother to dignify that with an answer.

She's being selfish once again. I'm sure she's not desperate to do all the care for your DH, but she simply doesn't want to be on her own. Therefore in her head she'd rather have him home. I appreciate it must be really tough to make this transition and face such a big change to life, but she is only thinking of herself and then expecting everyone else (namely you) to pick up the pieces. Stay firm.