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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

OP posts:
DPotter · 10/08/2020 11:18

Hoping all goes well Minty

Really hoping you can step back and have a relaxing evening in your own home.

Rinsefirst · 10/08/2020 11:55

Be prepared to feel every emotion today.Grin. Another sending an injection of energy to get you through

forrestgreen · 10/08/2020 16:03

Get a migraine after seeing dad, tell mum you're going to sleep in a dark room, set the home as an emergency contact and put your phone in do not disturb.

forrestgreen · 10/08/2020 16:05

Tonight will be your mum trying to set the new normal, you've been running around after dad and she'll be terrified you won't care now she's on her own. So there'll be a disaster, so you can show you care.
What about when you're dropping mum off tonight, say what about meeting for brunch tomorrow morning? Give her something to think about and that you've not forgotten her.

Knotaknitter · 10/08/2020 16:27

Forrest I have a relative (not mum, she's lovely) who pulls the "show me you care" trick. If I say that I have to leave by a certain time so I can get to my knitting group she will set out to make me late presumably so she can see that I will choose her over my group. It is so obvious that I straight out lie about the start time so she can play her game and I still get there on time.

Minty I'll say it again (and again, and again). Your mother is an adult, she's not in need of care herself and it's not healthy for either of you for you to mother her. (and I did see you elsewhere and do now have freezer envy)

Original poster
MintyCedric · 10/08/2020 19:06

I'M HOME!!!!

Today has been bloody hard work, there have tears and tantrums (on both mine and mum's part), but dad seems settled and happy enough.

Mum was happy with his room which was a relief as it's quite small, but newly decorated and carpeted with a big window and a window box full of gorgeous petunias. He had a fan going and a bigger, better TV than he has in his room at home.

He had cottage pie for lunch and even managed ice cream after which is not like dad at all.

I told him I would bring in photo of us when I next visit so he can see all his girls and he gave me a lovely cheeky grin that I haven't seen for ages and made me a bit weepy.

Mum struggled this morning but she's been improving all day (touch wood and cross your fingers). She has friends going to visit tomorrow afternoon and they will hopefully all be able to visit dad if the staff can get him into a chair and out in the garden, so I'll have to day off, visit Wednesday morning, maybe pop into mum for a quick coffee and then have the rest of the day and overnight!!! to myself.

DD's boyfriend seems sweet. They are at her dads for a BBQ and he'll drop her back later.

I've had a lovely shower and am just about to make myself chilli and lemon salmon with broccoli and tomato linguine and a bloody great glass of wine!

I honestly cannot thank everyone enough for all the support and patience with my ranting. I have absolutely no clue how I'd be managing without having this safe space in which to vent Flowers.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 10/08/2020 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 10/08/2020 20:21

Such a lovely photo!

Glad it went ok and you are HOME.

forrestgreen · 10/08/2020 20:39

Aww what a lovely photo

thesandwich · 10/08/2020 20:44

Lovely lovely photo. So glad you are home. Breathe. Your df is being cared for. Your dm can cope.
🌺🌺

Knotaknitter · 10/08/2020 21:26

Thanks for the update (and the photo). I really hope that this is the start of a stable period where everyone gets what they need and you get a bit of peace and space to breathe.

Jfw82 · 10/08/2020 21:29

Minty I've been lurking but de lurking to say what a lovely photo. Sounds such hard work with your parents and just hope that things improve xx

Candleabra · 10/08/2020 21:30

Well done minty.
Try and chill tonight.

Do not fill your respite time from dad with running around after your mum. Use this time for you. I'm very pleased you're home tonight. Keep those strong boundaries.

ny20005 · 10/08/2020 22:13

Beautiful photo !

I've been thinking about you all day. Glad he's settled & you are home & getting a well earned break x

Rinsefirst · 10/08/2020 22:55

Echo what everyone else says. Hoping you, your mum and your dad all sleep more easily.

DPotter · 11/08/2020 00:21

Love the photo Minty!

ineedaholidaynow · 11/08/2020 14:08

Lovely photo. Hope your dad had a good night

CrystalMaisie · 11/08/2020 14:29

Fab photo ❤️

Original poster
MintyCedric · 11/08/2020 17:36

Mum and friends have visited this afternoon.

Mum says he's really unhappy there, but difficult to know how accurate her interpretation is.

Am going to visit tomorrow so will see how he's doing then.

OP posts:
Mischance · 11/08/2020 17:51

It is hard. I would not describe myself as elderly, but am retired, and my OH died in February after some difficult years, and a very difficult last year.

The business of getting him the proper care and support he needed was truly exhausting and very dispiriting, so I can understand why your Mum is switching off a bit. For me, it was honestly worse and more of a stress than the actual help I needed to give OH myself.

I do think that you need to establish some lines in the sand with the care agencies/SSD/health authority, or they will expect you to do things that should not be your role. You are already providing some personal care; and spending a huge amount of time there to the detriment of your own family. They need to know what you can and can't do.

Like you, my DDs wanted to do all the right things and be of help, whilst also grieving themselves the imminent loss of their Dad.

But you cannot protect your Mum totally from the distress of the situation or of the weeks to come. I know that my girls worried about me, but I really did not want them to put their own lives on hold.

My DDs are there at the end of a phone now and I see them as much as is possible commensurate with them getting on with their lives and with the whole coronavirus debacle. In the first few weeks when I was overcome with sadness (and guilt; as I had had to take the decision to let him go rather than seek aggressive treatment when he got pneumonia) they popped round a lot; listened to my woes and calmed me. But that had to stop. It cannot go on and on; as I need to build a new life and face a new phase living by myself.

So - please do not try to be all tings to both of them - you will make yourself exhausted and unwell, and |I am sure that neither of your parents want that.

I am sending you a hug and lots of good wishes - I know what a difficult time this is, but it is the cycle of life - we are here for a bit and then we go. Stay strong.

Mischance · 11/08/2020 17:53

By the way - my OH had to go into a nursing home at the end, and it was an opportunity for us to enjoy time with him without the major responsibilities (and yes, burden) of his care.

Mischance · 11/08/2020 17:56

I beg your pardon for not having clocked that your Dad is in a home now when I made my first post.

forrestgreen · 11/08/2020 19:27

She might be projecting, if she goes in the room all upset it's bound to affect your dad. Go in tomorrow all chipper with lots to tell him and you'll be able to tell how he feels when he relaxes.

forrestgreen · 11/08/2020 19:27

Can you ask the friend how he was

Ifonlyiweretaller · 11/08/2020 21:41

What a wise post @Mischance. I have followed this from the beginning as we are also battling through the care system as my dad has rapidly deteriorated after a UTI 5 weeks ago, to being put on end of life care. It is heartbreaking to see him a shadow of his former self in such a short time.

Because we are a big, close family I do feel that we have been "left to it" to some degree - after his dreadful hospital stay we promised we'd never make him go back in, however that's made it very tough for us. We do get 2 carers 4 times a day, and District nurses come out to him at the drop of a hat, but two of us still have to be with him all day & night as he gets really agitated and is difficult to manage if he tries to get out of bed. It's the nights that are hardest though. We got Marie Curie overnight carers for a couple of nights last week which we had understood to be a regular thing, but apparently not. We are all reaching burnout now as we have our own families to care for and jobs to do.
My mum is quite stoic but I know she will go to pieces when the inevitable happens. I just hope she is like you @Mischance and tries to move on and make a life for herself. She is very capable, but I wonder if we've not helped ourselves by being so available at all times.

I really feel for anyone in this awful position right now, it's heartbreaking and exhausting.