Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

[MintyCedric]

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

Boundaries @MintyCedric
I know it's hard. Try not to take over and immediately problem solve any issues (eg taking to doctors). Do look after yourself.

And don't even entertain giving up your job. Why should you. You've become blinkered as your world has shrunk so much (I've been there). You've got a distorted view of what is normal.

Some counselling may help you with taking back control of your life. I know this seemingly gets trotted out as a panacea to cure all ills (again, I've been there!) but I found it hugely helpful around keeping strong boundaries in a similar situation.

forest making my salary up to current levels (topping up carers allowance + tax credits) would cost about half as much as topping up care home fees.

She's plays on the money aspect as she knows I've no pension and am somewhat reliant on my inheritance in that respect. Tbh though I'd rather be able to live some kind of life now that wait until I'm God knows how old. I won my own house with a fair bit of equity. I will manage in the long term.

The main issue for me with giving up work, aside from the boundaries, is that whilst I would happily see the back of my current job I have an 'expression of interest' pending for what would be as close as I could now get to my dream job.

The application process itself is on hold due to the virus but the organisation has just received a funding injection. There is training, great prospects and a salary sufficient that I could have great life working f/t or work p/t and maintain my current standard of living. It's shifts and all year round so potentially much more flexible, a greater mix of people than I currently work with (90% middle aged women whose primary interests are gin, Cath Kidstone and their 'hubbies') and if I was to get in and do well the promotion prospects in terms of both salary and job satisfaction are brilliant.

I'm just not willing to give up that possibility when I've been in crappy jobs I've not enjoyed or had any progression in for most of my adult life.

candle I have stress management therapy starting Tuesday by phone.

We have just heard that Dad is going in on Monday.

I own my own house...I didn't win it, sadly !

I'm so sorry and am sending you a big hug.
I was advised of two good books from a counsellor at our local hospice when I moved in to care for my dying mother inlaw. They were excellent at getting my head round the situation. Have them on my Kindle.

The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring by Hugh Marriott
How to Break Free of the Drama Triangle by Barry K Weinhold and Janae B Wenhold
Good luck x

Delurking to wish you well.

Do not give up that job!
Even without the promotion, there's a recession brewing and you don't want a carer's gap on your CV.

Your Mum will push as far as she can take it. At the end of the day, she is a capable adult like you. I appreciate it's terrifying to watch her husband die, but loading it all on to you (watching your father die whilst juggling work and DD) is not on either.
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Keep the boundaries up

What everyone else has said - don't give up your job. Your dad needs care but your mother doesn't so where would that leave you in the long term if you give up your job to look after your dad? Don't consider it for an instant, it is not in your interests at all. Stop looking at the numbers to see if it works because it doesn't work for you - it's not about the money but the loss of your independence. You would be totally reliant on your mother for your income - get a grip woman! If she's already playing you with a possible inheritence then think what she might be like if you were dependant on her for your weekly income.

I would also recommend looking at the drama triangle, your mum is the victim and you are lined up as the rescuer (or persecutor).

I am no longer an accountant and not qualified to give financial advice but there are lots of people who are and I'm sure they would be telling you that it is not too late to get yourself a pension. Please take some financial advice and start a pension.

Sending great vibes re your job

And try to think of all the objections your mum will come up with between now and Monday, so you'll have a great answer.

As everyone says, do not give up on your job or prospects.
Your dm will otherwise have complete financial and emotional control.
Sort a pension now.
And gird your loins with steel before Monday! Good luck!!

Pension will definitely be happening as soon as can afford to do it, especially if I get the other job at some point.

I left my marriage with nothing four years ago so have some 0% finance to pay off for furniture which ends in less than a year and I'll channel that pensionward when the time comes.

As others have said Minty - boundaries, boundaries. Step away - if she wants to piss off the GP surgery, she's a bloody idiot and needs telling that in no uncertain terms. Don't go playing the UN director general in smoothing things over. She's making her bed, she can lie in it.

I think in this day and age, our generation needs to assume there will be no inheritance from our parents' homes. Once that's clear in your head, they have no hold on you. Our parents were sold a lie about setting up their families with inheritances from their homes - but that's another thread altogether.
Even if your relationship was balanced and health, I still would strongly recommend against jacking in your job - you'll need to get back into the employment market at some point and its easier to do that from a job, even a bad one.

I think in this day and age, our generation needs to assume there will be no inheritance from our parents' homes.

I agree, I certainly don't assume that will happen, hence wanting a better job that I will enjoy long term and that will pay well enough to make up for at least some of the lost time on the pension front.

Spoke to her earlier, she's "been crying all afternoon"...seriously what do you do with something like that?

You make sympathetic noises but don't rise to it!!

Spoke to her earlier, she's "been crying all afternoon"...seriously what do you do with something like that? If it was me "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You need to find yourself a support network". But I've never been known for my empathy or people skills.

Whether she's been crying all afternoon or not, the reason she's telling you is to make you feel bad and cast herself as the victim. You are being played. Your emotions are just as important as hers except you're not allowed to have any, it's all about her needs and wants.

It's the same as the toddler years, reward the behaviour you want to see more of and attempt to ignore the behaviour you don't want.

She does have other people she can call, not local necessarily but she could still have a chat and distract herself for a bit.

I could easily have just ignored everyone over the holidays on the grounds I'm tried, stressed and a bit worried about the virus factor, but I've made myself arrange to meet up with a different friend each week so I at least feel like I'm doing something for myself and it's been really good fun.

My best friend was here when I spoke to mum and I put her call on speaker. She was and we've been friends since we were 4 so she knows what mum's like.

Good re: meeting up with friends. It's amazing to discover that there's a lovely world out there. Your world has probably shrunk to yours and your parents house, work and supermarket.

Do keep a focus on yourself. This is your life too. You're not just a vessel to facilitate other people's lives. Your mum will be trying every trick in the book to reel you back in. Practice detached concern. But don't spring to action immediately. It'll take some time to break the habit.

But above all, don't feel guilty. You're doing a wonderful job already. And you must be so upset about your dad. I'm so sorry. Look after yourself xx

I'm glad to hear about the therapy too. It'll help.
Be honest in there though, no need for a brave face. Not easy when you're one of life's copers.

You need set answers to her drama, we'll practised in your head but that don't draw you in too much.
"Oh no, that's a shame, what have you done to try to cheer yourself up"
Oh dear, what a shame, you need to go for some fresh air in the garden"
Or if she the type to tell you why your ideas are stupid, then just leave it at "oh dear, what a shame" and keep it on repeat

I'm doing better with the grey rock type responses thanks to this thread.

Having best mate round last night was great too, had a good cry and a rant, drank too much, ate pizza and watched a funny chicken flick...all very much needed!

And yes, my RL world is tiny at the moment. Without t'internet and my writing I think I'd have gone insane by now.

It's easy to have a reality check when you can talk to someone who is outside the drama. When you think one of you is being unreasonable but you're not sure who it is you can get a second opinion. (Although I'd go out on a limb here and say it's not going to be you that's the unreasonable one)

I know I'm NBU but its still hard not to listen to the insidious voice of FOG in my head.

Have checked in this morning. They're OK, mum was going to try and have a rest/sleep and said she might turn the phone off so I've said ill wait to hear from her later.

She's got friends coming on Tuesday to visit her and take her to see dad, I'll do round Monday and we'll pop up and check he's settled and it'll stay over that first night with her, then hopefully Tues pm - Thurs PM will get some free time.

DD's boyfriend is coming to visit so she'll be staying at her Dads Weds/Thurs as he's staying there (our spare room is an office rather than a bedroom and they're certainly not sharing!)

Sorry - did I miss read - you're going to stay over at your Mum's on Monday night? If I miss read - sorry, but if this is the case - WHY???

There's absolutely no need for it. Go home, have an evening with your DD or your writing, watching TV trash, whatever.