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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 11:01

And we've also had the conversation about how no-one cares/realises how difficult it is for her to go up and down the stairs all the time for him.

"Have you thought about a stairlift?" - "I don't want a stair lift."

"Why doesn't she stay up here with him a bit more?" - "You would think that as she has a lovely, sunny bedroom with a computer, wifi, TV and telephone and could easily put a kettle and mini fridge in the spare room that would be a solution wouldn't you, but no, she won't do that."

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 11:03

Oh and Dad told me the other day that far from being constantly rushed off her feet, she is, as I suspected, constantly on the phone whinging and reading spurious crap in t'internet.

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Rinsefirst · 26/06/2020 11:14

When things have been so awful it’s only natural to look for a bit of light and a bit of hope. It’s what gets us all through. I doubt very much it’s a subject you’d discuss with your mum. Keep her in the dark I suggest about any future plans whatsoever.

Rinsefirst · 26/06/2020 11:28

Oops, cross posted with you.
Seriously, Minty, give your mum no clues whatever about your future hopes, plans, jobs etc. Deep down she’ll be terrified of you leaving her to her own devices once your dad passes Flowers. Her rhetoric is meant to keep you in check and following her every instruction.

Your lovely Dad has -in a roundabout way - is indicating that he seeing her in similar light.

VanGoghsDog · 26/06/2020 11:39

If your uncle died intestate, how does money come to you?

Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 12:08

VanGogh...he was never married and had no children so his brothers...my dad and my other uncle inherit. If either of them pre-decease things being finalised their share of the estate would go to me or my cousin respectively (and we are both only children).

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RandomMess · 26/06/2020 12:32

Your Mum doesn't want solutions just wants the right to moan and complain and make it all about her.

You cannot win, you cannot change her. Leave her to live with the mess she is creating and keep telling all the professionals that your Dad isn't getting the care he needs and you cannot help because you work Full time and are a single parent.

DPotter · 26/06/2020 14:21

Minty
RandomMess has said it for me.
Step away
tell GP/ OP /DN /SS - anyone and everyone that you can that your Dad isn't in a safe place and isn't receiving the care he requires and the you work FT and can't help. That he acknowledges he may be best in a care home

For you - I know your attempts to get counselling haven't bourne fruit - can you try again? Does your work have a counselling service for employees? Might be worth ask your HR
much love and postive strength to you Minty

Knotaknitter · 26/06/2020 14:50

It took years for me to realise that some people aren't looking for a solution, they want to complain about the way things are but not actually change anything. Before that I would spend hours looking up ways to make things better and my suggestions would be shot down without any consideration.

The other thing I learned, eventually, was how to counter that thing where they say something to make you do the opposite. "Go home then, I don't want to be a burden" is supposed to guilt you into saying how everything is fine, you don't mind being there 48 hours a day and it's not as if you needed to have a life. You double up in your efforts so as to disprove the statement. Standing up, picking up your bag with a breezy "oh well, if you don't mind me going home I could really do with doing some ironing. See you tomorrow then" will cut out that passive aggressive crap in no time flat. "Don't come unless you really want to, if you'd rather be out spending time with your friends rather than boring old me I'll understand (sigh)" "No, there's not much shopping I want really, I'd just be going to relieve the boredom" "It's not as if I need that unicorn pate, I wouldn't want to put you to the trouble of getting it" It is a guilt thing and you are supposed to jump in with reassurance. If you accept the actual words at their face value then it doesn't work. I am so socially unskilled now (after years of practise) that I don't notice sighing, pointed pauses, hinting, huffing and eye rolling - if they can't use their actual words then I ignore it.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 15:53

Right a bit more progress I think...we will get there.

Carers have been tweaked, slightly shorter visits am and pm as 2 carers for an hour really is overkill, and a midday visit to check the pad situation and deal with anything that arises there.

Dad has got out on the commode this afternoon with mum's help. Can't be sure having spoken to both of them whether it was his instigation or hers. Anyway there is nothing I can do on that front and whatever will be, will be. I didn't offer to empty the commode and suggested she leaves it for the carers so they will know what is going on and hopefully report any concerns.

Lovely GP has been...he's going to arrange a named social worker for dad and said respite care is definitely an option now with a view to getting him in a home if it's what he wants and is in his best interests.

I have managed to get home and clean the house between 11.30 - 3and made a quick escape on the grounds that DD needed picking up from town (which she does...later on!)

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 15:54

Looking forward to an easy dinner and a glass of wine tonight and doing some writing in a lovely clean, tidy, peaceful house with DD and the movies tomorrows.

Send the positive vibes my way...I feel nearly human again!

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 15:56

That should be DD and the moggies!

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DPotter · 26/06/2020 17:01

Sending positive vibes over to you Minty!

CMOTDibbler · 26/06/2020 17:38

Minty, you are amazing. You really are. Enjoy your ti

I'd push hard for your dad to have a respite stay - homes round me are taking people (with a 14 day isolation in your room, but that wouldn't make much difference to your dad), and when it comes down to it, social services can find beds straightaway if pushed, and everyone who notes concerns strengthens your case when you say it has to happen. Great the GP says it too though as its hard for your mum to argue with them (I always blamed the doctors for everything that had to happen that my parents didn't like)

Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 17:48

Mum's on board with respite or residential care, thank God!

I've had a little chat about it with dad today and also managed to get a quick word with GP who said Dad is very aware of everything that's going on and agreed that it would benefit him to be in a less stressful environment.

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 17:49

I am currently lounging on my sofa in my lovely tidy living room, drinking wine under a cat Grin

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RandomMess · 26/06/2020 17:58

Your DM is likely to backtrack but don't let that deter you!!

Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 19:50

Minty, you are amazing. You really are

Bless you...you didn't see my epic meltdown this morning!

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CMOTDibbler · 26/06/2020 20:07

You are so entitled to have a meltdown though. In my very long haul with my parents, I swear MN was the only thing keeping me going at times, and being the squeezed middle of caring for parents and children at the same time is soul destroying

Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 20:14

I am at least very lucky that DD is incredible. A bit more help around the house would be nice but shell help out with most things with prompting, and I never, ever have to nag her about getting up or schoolwork.

She back in 2 days a week since last week and after 3 months of lockdown and sleep all over the place she's been up every morning, got herself ready, packed a lunch and been good to go on time. Kept up with all her work from home too.

She just popped to the shops to get us cheesecake!

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CMOTDibbler · 26/06/2020 20:55

She sounds fantastic

Weenurse · 26/06/2020 23:49

Wine, cheesecake and a cat.
You have the important bases covered.🍰🍷

Original poster
MintyCedric · 27/06/2020 14:30

Passive aggressive message this morning and now a phone call.

I am trying to detach but it's hard, although...

Message was along the lines of 'been up with dad since 5, think he's pooped the bed but don't rush round, you just enjoy your lie in and don't worry about us. The carers will have to deal with it when they get here in 2HOURS"

Well knowing mum constantly thinks he's pooed when he hasn't and taking into account this is what he agreed with the OT yesterday and that carers are much more likely to deal with that safely and efficiently than I am, I chose to pretend I hadn't seen that message.

Shes just called flapping because the carers wont lift him on to the commode (again agreed yesterday) and the schedule she has for next week doesn't reflect what was changed yesterday but, as she received it by post yesterday of course it won't!

The difficult thing is I can't tell if she's doing it on purpose, panicking and therefore a bit fuzzy or actually losing the plot.

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RandomMess · 27/06/2020 14:59

Ignore and let the professionals work it out... if she stops being rescued respite may become a faster reality...

Hugs Thanks

Knotaknitter · 27/06/2020 14:59

"Don't rush round, enjoy your lie in (guilt, guilt)" Don't pretend that you didn't see the message - you listened to the message and followed the instructions. If you take it literally each and every time she says something where she means the reverse then it falls down. She can't come out and say that she meant the reverse of she said and was only saying it to guilt trip you but what she can do is to stop doing it.

I'm assuming she's flapping so you will sail in and rescue her from her having to sort things out for herself. This is the carers job, it's what they are there for but she doesn't want carers, she wants you. You have a daughter who needs you and that (and your health) has to be your first responsibility. It's not your job to parent your mother. She has people to help her with looking after her husband, you don't have anyone to help you look after your daughter.

DM has her choices, she doesn't get to make yours for you. If she wants to be up and down stairs all day rather than sit upstairs that's her choice. If she doesn't want one of the care visits then she can choose to do that work but she doesn't get to choose that you do it. You are not her parent, it's not your job to make her happy and you aren't her third hand.