My Mum's grief- is this normal behaviour?

[NoggintheNogs]

Let me say I'm 300 miles away from my Mum so can't do anything face to face.

My Dad died 2 years ago in his early 90s.

Considering her age ( 90s) Mum has coped remarkably well. (Got a huge network of supportive friends and my sister nearby.)

However, she keeps a diary and always has- I guess now we'd call it a journal.

She does though appear to use it to 'wallow' in the past and gets herself upset.

Every time there is any significant date, she is upsetting herself.
Yesterday she mentioned in a text it was 2 years 'to the day' that Dad had gone into hospital. My sister happened to drop shopping off for her on her doorstep and phoned me to say she looked upset (but didn't know why.)

Similarly, she notes on her wall calendar she mother's birthday ( who was be around 120 now ), her own wedding anniversary and other dates 'from the past'.

I don't know how, if at all, to help her. I just feel that this looking back and being so nostalgic for the past is wearing her down.

I've suggested grief counselling to her and seeing someone to talk to, but she brushes it off saying women have coped with worse.

But I worry about her mental health because she spends so much time marking 'significant dates' - often mentions the dad when her mum died, when her own dad died, when her brother died, and seems to keep a log of when anything emotional took place- then upsets herself by reliving it.

What can we do? Should I talk to her about it?

Yes it is normal behaviour and she can grieve and remember people how she wants. Even if she didn't mark dates she'd still feel sad about loved ones she has lost. How long was she with your dad? I imagine many years. She'll still be significantly grieving after 2 years.

It’s normal to mark the birthdays/deathdays of deceased family members. You don’t just pretend that someone never existed when they die.

My husband died ten years ago and I do that. It's a way of compartmentalised it. I think about him during certain dates or while doing certain things or hearing certain songs and allow myself to really think about him and what we had and what hes missed in our children's growing up etc. It helps. And as one gets older and just about every one you grew up with and were close to dies, as your world shrinks, spending time reliving moments is totally normal, even if those memories can bring up very sad feelings.

I completely agree it is normal to mark days when someone died or remember their birthdays though I can't quite see the need to write them on a wall calendar when you know in your head the days.

I will think of my dad on the day he died. Of course I will and I also remember his birthday (in my head.)

The point it my Mum reads her journal and relives every emotion of those days- and wears herself out, not sleeping, crying etc.
It's not just remembering the days- that's normal.
It's the way she immerses herself in her diary and puts herself through a mangle, reliving it all.

*reliving it all- the sad stuff, not the good times.

I’d say this is normal. I’m still in this sort of phase after losing my Mum, who I loved deeply, a year ago. Everything reminds me of her and the smallest trigger can upset me. It’s like a type of trauma and certain times of year will always remind me of the days our lives changed forever.

Don’t judge your Mum or encourage her to get past it... everyone will grieve in their own way and she will still be getting used to life without your Dad. Don’t forget you have your own life and all the things in it to preoccupy you, whereas she will feel your Dad’s absence all around her all the time, probably profoundly. She might never stop feeling sad about losing him.

Why not try and share good, fun family memories involving your Dad to help her laugh as well as cry? Might help her look back with pleasure as well as sadness.

Leave her be. She must have been with your Dad for decades, that's a lot of years to remember and grieve for. He's only been gone 2 years, she's still in relatively early stages of grief.

I agree with you OP that it is not healthy to mark occasions like 'the day he went into hospital' sometimes we remember anyway, but it is not like a birthday etc. My FIL does this and it is just so unhealthy. I know people grieve in different ways but I understand what you are saying. You are seeing that marking every occasion is making her relive it all In a negative way. Sorry no real advice just wanted to say I understood what you were getting at.

It might help for you to talk about these events when they come up, ask her to tell you about them so she has time to think fondly about them.
Life is pretty dull and lonely right now so she has more time than ever to think about those memories.

Cross posted with you. Does she have earlier diaries? What a lovely resource to have, to look back on.

Maybe you could encourage her to look at diaries from your childhood or the early days of her marriage to help her relive some happier times.

Everyone's grief is different so I don't think it is helpful trying to decide what should be 'normal'. I imagine once you get to your mum's age you must know that you are coming to the end of your life. So if it brings her comfort to dwell on those who have already left this life then just let her get on with it. You might thing this is upsetting her, but when you've lived a long life and lost so many I don't think what she is doing is abnormal at all. She is using significant dates to her to mark time so if I were you OP I'd just leave her to it.

It's not really about 'leaving her to it' @CeibaTree. I'm pretty emotionally intelligent (and I'm in my 60s, so had my dad for a long time and miss him too.) It's more about being worried for her as she looks so tired and worn out when I know she has been mulling it all over.

I hope my initial post didn't come over a judgmental of her or critical. I am worried about her mental health and her physical health and the toll the 'looking back at sad times' on her.

She is tending to dwell on significant dates when they brought her unhappiness. We have a laugh and look at old photos and talk about dad - happier times- for both our sakes.

I am going through my own grieving too, don't forget, albeit differently.

@NoggintheNogs I do see you point totally, and it must be adding to your distress by worrying so about your mum, but I really don't think we can direct anyone's grief - I didn't mean to offend you by saying leave her to it. It's only been two years so not long down the road in terms of losing your dad. If you have suggested counselling and she isn't not interested I don't think there is much you can do sadly. I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad, I lost both of my beloved parents by the time I was 40 so I really do sympathise.

This happened almost identically with my FIL after my MIL died. In fact I think that after 2 years he was at his worst because he was "stuck" and everyone had to some extent moved on. This made him worse and he had the diary out and told me on the day of each appointment his wife had 2 years previously. I had to ask my SIL to put the diary away, to copy any useful information into a new diary eg phone numbers.
I think I got the worst of the grief as he didn't want to upset his own children.
All I can say is that 5 years on we can talk about MIL and remember the good times. And there were many. He seems to have (by 4 years) caught up with us and although he gets sentimental and reminiscing, he can enjoy life more and the memories are good ones.
I hope this helps. I am quite blunt and told him to get a new diary.

But on the other hand, if she is looking through her diaries she will be reminded of birthdays, weddings, special holidays, anniversaries, parties and other joyous events throughout her life as well.

I think this is normal and a part of the grieving process. It can feel like it's done out of respect to the people who died to remember those days. I don't keep a diary but I look at photos and sometimes listen to the music we played at my sibling's/parent's funeral. Also I'm sure you're aware as it's your Dad, but 2 years is still very early on in grieving.

MIL does this and I think like with most things people are able to live and grieve in a way that feels normal for them, whether its remembering dates, visiting graves or whatever else. But for MIL it's a complete obsession and virtually everytime we speak to her it would have been someone's birthday/wedding/funeral etc. She talks as if those people would still have been alive (many would 120+ now). However, DHs family ritualise the dead. They do nothing for their elderly and stick them in a faraway home as soon as possible, but once you're dead in their eyes you can do no wrong regardless of what actually happened in your life. My family are the opposite - we have little interest in the dead but provide a lot of care and support for aging relatives so perhaps that why it feels so strange for me. DH has also described his mother as an 'emotional vampire' where there is always something wrong or to complain about.

Of course it is normal :-(