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Elderly parents

Feeling quite helpless

3 replies

literallychristraeger · 20/04/2020 12:12

Sorry if this is a long post. It's my first post in this topic and I think I really just need to get things out about what's happening with my parents and how I feel.

My parents are both in their 70s and I live over four hours away. I have other siblings but only one of them lives locally to them. My DM has always had ill health but has always coped and been independent. She had a short spell in hospital and while ago and wasn't much like herself but was better when she got home although I noticed then how frail she seemed to become over night.

More recently, my DFs health has taken a huge dive. He's always been very well and staunchly independent. He is crazy stubborn and has always refused medical help for everything. His health has spiralled and he refused to see a doctor for many months before finally agreeing to a home visit. They suspect it's cancer but that he would need tests to confirm. But he's refusing all investigation so we don't have an actual diagnosis. Since then he's got progressively worse and is unable to walk easily, get down stairs and my DM is doing everything for him and she just isn't up to it and it's exhausting her.

He gets very mad that the nurses and doctors won't do anything to help but honestly they can't. He's refused to be diagnosed. I don't know what else can be done to help? They've offered aids and supports but he either refuses these or makes some excuse about using them.

Also my sibling is the only person closest to help and I feel guilty and upset that I'm too far away to do anything. I can't even go and visit during this time because of this fucking Coronavirus.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Rinsefirst · 20/04/2020 16:06

Is it possible your DF is extremely frightened?

literallychristraeger · 20/04/2020 17:23

He is yes, very frightened of hospital, frightened of leaving my mum and being alone. Probably in a lot of denial too and would rather not know. But that makes it every harder to know what to do to help.

I fully respect his decision to not want to get treatment but in the meantime he needs help and support for every day life and won't accept that either unless it's from my mum which isn't sustainable.

OP posts:
Rinsefirst · 20/04/2020 21:24

I’m no expert. As a family we couldn’t direct my DF to take a better route. However, if it is fear that it behind some of your DF’s behaviour maybe you can start to approach him from this angle rather than assume he is just stubborn.

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