How often do you call the care home?

[CMOTDibbler]

I can't visit, and my mum can't talk on the phone. If your parent is in a care home, how often do you call the home to ask about them? I don't want to bother them in the current situation just for them to tell me she sleeps a lot and seems happy enough, and I know they will call if theres an issue, but wondered what others did with a non verbal resident.

My dad's in a nursing home and can't speak due to a stroke. I try to ring every week, and I know they will ring me if needed. We send him cards and photos every week too.

Three times since lockdown.
We know they are short staffed so we’ve tried not to add to their duties.
Just over a week ago we emailed letters with end of life messages for DM even though all the medical forms have been completed. We also just wanted a fresh note for the file saying DM would want pumped with morphine and have someone hold her hand. All a bit dramatic but we figured better to do it and give clear instruction. (Really hope these are not required)

Within ten minutes of that arriving we had a delightful FaceTime session to reassure us that DM was in good spirits - and she really was. I think the team realised we felt bereft.
It also gave us opportunity to thank the staff as for now they are her family.

A week ago our manager started a weekly blog with photos and a summary of what was happening. We now have had two bulletins which have been helpful at reassuring us.

This week we downloaded one of those photo prints apps. Using recently taken phone photos of the extended family and DM since Christmas , we arranged for 40 prints to be sent directly to the carehome for DM to enjoy. We also compiled a laminated
photo book. It was about £15 all in and took just 10 minutes . (To be fair the photos are totally random and we wouldn’t normally print such rubbish images of ourselves but DM won’t notice. We just wanted to make DM feel loved.)
It’s difficult to know what to do... everyone’s situation is different. Some of mum’s carers were with DM in her first care home four years ago. OP, as your DM is only recently there, phoning every 2 or 3 days would seem perfectly reasonable . You’ve not had any time at all to get to know her team.

Me and my family are doing in a rota system. Speaking to my mum’s carers and just checking she’s ok. Only about once a week or so. We are also writing letters and sending photos etc. Getting good feed back she likes receiving them so going to keep going.

Mum wouldn't care about being sent a photo or letters - she has very, very limited understanding and her visual processing is gone so she has no interest in being shown a photo as its meaningless to her. When I last tried showing her photos from her childhood she actually got really angry, so I don't want that to happen.
I'll ring once a week then. Its hard taking over as her responsible person and dealing with everything after dads death as well.

DM is in a care home and non verbal following a stroke (though she indicates she understands via facial expression and nodding etc). We've been sending cards and DD has a phone app that sends postcards from photos she's taken so the lovely care staff can read them to her as she can no longer read. We also have weekly whatsapp calls with DM on her carers phone and can chat to her for 10 or 15 mins about what we've been doing and play a couple of her favourite songs to her. Will be fab when this is all over to be able to hug her again.

Given what you've said about your mums understanding then I think once a week or less is fine. Have a chat with the home. Perhaps it would be easier for them to email you an update and maybe a photo weekly. Discuss what you want them to contact you for eg if she has fallen or if she hasn't eaten breakfast?

But if anything doesn't feel right or you have any concerns dont hesitate to phone.

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately its all a bit moot now as mum has stopped eating or drinking and is just sleeping all the time (her amount of sleep per day has increased greatly over the last few months). It doesn't look like she'll last many more days.

Sorry to hear your update OP. It’s a horrible situation at the best of times, let alone when you can’t even go & give her a hug.

Sorry to learn of your update re your mum.

OP, that's tough. Sorry to hear.

Oh I’m so sorry