Registering as carer for elderly parent

[LilacTree1]

Hi everyone

Has anyone done this and is a carer’s visit essential? What happens if you have work and just want to be officially recognised as their carer but not claim any allowance?

Really grateful for any advice you can offer. Thank you.

If they are in receipt of AA anyone can be their carer. You don't register if not claiming. You can request to be their appointee with DWP if they need you to take over correspondence and communicate via the phone.

Lots of people are unofficial carers or even young carers.

There is no national carer register. There is no official carer card to carry around. You're conflating so many things. There might be carer /charity organisations that have mocked up their own card, google and try them.

But if there was a national register for informal carers one, fed by GP, DWP or Adult services/Local Authority information , then based on info you've provided so far- you're aren't likely to qualify as a carer. Your mum would need to require 'substantial and regular care' help from you to meet LA and DWP criteria and she doesn't. A bit of shopping and laundry at the level you indicate for reasons you indicate , isn't that.

It is sad and very lonely times during lockdown. And lots of people have been advised to stay home for longer than lockdown periods and your DM might be in a vulnerable groups.

But Given what you've said, it's unlikely you'd be eligible under carers assessment using the Care Act as you fall at the first criteria since your mum doesn't have Care and Support needs as defined under the Care Act (which is quite a high level)

You won't meet carers allowance DWP criteria for carers allowance (even if you don't claim it) if she's not eligible for AA attendance allowance or PIP.

GP surgeries want to know when someone is an informal carer (they used words they'll 'register as a carer' on their internal GP records) as it can impact on their own health and as important contact details for medical records. It's not apparent DM's health level would trigger that though & you'd get a strange look if you ask and she usually presents as perfectly mobile, capable and with capacity.

OP you've admitted you're looking for a reason to visit your DM, that her NDN have offered to do her shopping, cleaning and laundry for her. Ask yourself why you think it's safe to go on i2 tubes across town to do laundry and shopping that a neighbour could? As that would expose her to a lot more risk of virus and Your mum has a heart condition. Most people are dropping shopping (& could do same for laundry service) on relatives doorstep just so they avoid increasing risk to them .

Ultimately You don't need to prove essential care to an vulnerable over-70-relative but police might rightly ask why you have to go on the tube and travel so far when a local organisation /neighbours could do those things for her and that's for you to ask yourself,

If by chance you are asked by police regarding the purpose of your journey you can tell the truth which in your eyes is that you are providing care to an elderly person. I do agree with pp , though , that you are putting her at increased risk with all these journeys on public transport and that her care need could be met in a better way as far as germ spreading is concerned for her and for the wider community. People I know who are helping their elderly family have either moved in or at least are doing the chores without personal contact ie Hi mum I'm downstairs , stay up there until I leave... sterilising as I go!!

OP, the other thing to think about is whether it's actually safe and in your DM's best interests for you to be travelling on the tube and seeing her regularly.

I get that you want to support her but it sounds like you're inadvertently increasing her risk of being exposed to the virus in doing so.

Could you set her up with Skype or similar instead so you can support her safely from afar?

We’d rather she died within a week and see each other than have this go on. She was pissed off she didn’t die before!

Than live and face the horrendous fate her older siblings have all suffered/continue to suffer.

I think the hygiene one is the one to push. The doctor knows me as I’m always there for appointments. Mum refused to apply for AA because she thinks it’s immoral to apply if you’re okay for money, so we’re stuck there.

How are other people’s elderly parents coping with cleaning etc if they don’t usually do it?

Fear of neighbour judgement is a problem as well as they might refuse to help in future.

Thank you everyone for advice and help.

I’m sorry OP but I think it’s your mental health that is suffering at the moment more than the reasons you want to visit your mum.
You have said that her neighbours have already offered to help her with laundry, shopping etc, Please accept their help.

If she had absolutely nobody to help with anything then by all means go and visit to help with these things but at the moment she is able to do some things herself and neighbours to help so there is no need to put yourself and her at greater risk sight the tube journeys you have to take.

Explain to neighbours if you are worried they may judge you but I very much doubt that they would.

Maybe contact you r own GP And explain how you are feeling about everything and how you are struggling, I’m sure they will help you.

Yellow - the neighbours are helping, we haven’t refused.

You can travel to provide care to a vulnerable person. However, you need to think about whether you are putting them, yourself, or your household at risk by doing so. If you are, then please try and explore other solutions. You just don't know how severely you could get the virus yourself, as well as those around you.

My DM is not very mobile, and in fragile health. She lives alone, within walking distance of us. She usually has a cleaner and we usually do things like change bedding / move bins to curb etc.

We've ditched the cleaner, and DM's devised herself a rota to keep on top of the lighter cleaning jobs little and often. We've bought her lots of extra flat sheets so she doesn't have to change the double duvet and can use a top sheet. She puts the bedding by the front door and we take it away to wash, when we also deliver food. We do lots of video calls. We also visit outside the window weekly, to join in through the glass while she does her physio exercises - partly because it's hilarious, partly so she feels safer that if she fell we would be right there. She's also set up a daily call each day to a different one of her friends, so they all have a bit of structure and someone different to talk to.

This is really hard, and staying apart is one of the toughest things - what I want most in the world right now is to hug my mum, but I can't do it, to her or to me or my daughter. I'm sorry you and your mum are struggling

We’d rather she died within a week and see each other than have this go on
That’s a rather extreme thing to say!
So rather than not see her but she’s alive you’d rather see her then she dies??
WTAF???
You really need to get a huge grip here, that’s very very selfish.
So many ppl are missing elderly family but not wishing to see them then they die!!

JKScot

That’s a strange thing to say. My dad never wanted to get really old, luckily he did not.

Mum doesn’t want to either but with her family history, she looks unlucky.

People are entitled to feel how they feel. We were called to her death bed twice in the last five years and she was so pissed off to survive. It took her a while to get over it.

I know there’s “socially acceptable” attitudes but at some point, you have to respect other people have a different opinion.

I think you're overthinking the whole thing OP. There's no card or similar that you can or need to show, you won't be asked for 'proof' of vulnerability.

@LilacTree1
I’m not saying strange things here!

@LilacTree1 I know there’s “socially acceptable” attitudes but at some point, you have to respect other people have a different opinion.
You/your mum may have a “different opinion” but it’s very inappropriate to post this at this time.
Thousands of people are losing their parents to coronavirus and are devastated. Have a little consideration of others before posting!
You should report and ask for your 11.45 and 14.31 posts to be edited.

Cherry “ I think the messaging on the tube about essential workers only is very unhelpful as people also need to travel to work if they can’t wfh or to help vulnerable people.”

Yes. I think they are probably quite shocked themselves at the 95% drop in use. Nurse friend is very scared travelling in the Tube now as it’s so empty apparently. I wouldn’t know. She now wants her mum to drive her but her mum is scared of being targeted by the police.

Driving people tell me the roads are full of signs saying “stay home” etc.

Marvel, I’m not seeing JKScot posts as very considerate but I wouldn’t report. I believe in free speech. I’m not shouting “fire” in the cinema.

If you want to report my posts, please do.

@lilac
I’m not considerate?
You are the one saying your need to see your mother is such that you’d be happy if she died as long as you get to see her!!
Your thinking/reasoning seems very skewed, I’m appalled at the things you’re writing and have the nerve to say I’m wrong 🙄

JK, that’s what she feels, not just me.

You are entitled to go and support your mother. She is a vulnerable person. There is no such thing as an official carer card. If the police ask you why you are traveling tell them you are supporting a vulnerable person. If a vigilante with a clip board asks you, ignore them.

In deciding whether you traveling to your mothers is the best solution to her needs you need to weigh up your extra exposure to the virus v the risks if you do not travel. Could the neighbours or local volunteers offer the same help with less exposure? Would they be willing to?

In the case of my family member (who has Alzheimers rather than physical needs) the neighbours could not commit to meeting the required level of need. There are volunteer groups in the area but I do not know them, they have not been vetted and I would consider it grossly negligent to expose a vulnerable person to them. They would also come with their own exposure to the virus. Your DM may have full capacity in which case the risk/benefit will be different.

An alternative would be to get professional carers in, if you can find any firms with capacity and you can pay. But the risks associated with professional carers are huge as they travel from vulnerable person to vulnerable person as well as mixing with their own families. And if you go for four visits a day, your DM will be exposed to at least 20 people a week because of the shifts they work. So do the math on assessing the risk from carers v the risk from you.

If you are not self funding you will need a needs assessment done by the Local Authority. This will not be done before the end of this current crisis unless your DM is hospitalised and you tell them in writing that it is not safe for her to return home.

Ignore the critical posters on here. They need to walk a mile in your shoes. In your position I would support my DM myself. There are obvious health benefits to regular contact with a loved one. Long term isolation will impact badly on the physical and mental health of your DM.

The way I see it, a vulnerable person might catch Covid 19 from a family carer and die. But there is an equal or greater chance that they will catch it from a professional carer or volunteer, without any of the added benefits of family contact. There is also a very real chance that the isolation will kill them. So it’s a finely balanced judgement that only YOU can make.

statistician999 did you read OPs information? Some parts of your comments are way overshot

An alternative would be to get professional carers in
What for? Not if her DM is as independent as she indicated- all OP talked about help with shopping (COVID) and laundry, a domestic service. And OP said neighbours are helping with that.
Or volunteers would do shopping during covid restrictions for vulnerable people unable to go out.

And if you go for four visits a day, ...
what for? .

If you are not self funding you will need a needs assessment done by the Local Authority. This will not be done before the end of this current crisis
Unlikely it would go past referral stage, more likely to get signposted ( at most a telephone wellbeing assessment with advice and information given) for someone who has no needs.
This really only is for people who actually need essential care or support.

Overall other PPs have it right in that OP has made rather unusual comments- it sounds like her wish to visit is more about OPs mental wellbeing and wanting to see her mum.
It is understandable and people are allowed to go out to do 'essential care'. It'd be a stretch- as it's not really essential- but popping in on mum to help her would count. It's just an unnecessary risk where others have chosen to protect their relatives by distancing when they deliver shopping etc and video chatting instead

But @Statistician999 describes the dilemmas very well

If everyone who provides informal care suddenly started trying to switch to paid carers there would not be enough to go around. Presumably the govt knows this which is why they specifically mention informal carers in their advice. What constitutes informal care is less clear I think

Sorry clicked too soon. I think informal care is probably a euphemism for Unpaid care

sad I’m sorry if I missed it upthread, where do the government mention informal carers please?

Going forward, we are going to need some help. I have talked to local cleaning agencies but we have no idea where they are coming from, if they’re doing a Tube journey it’s exactly the same situation.

Guidance for those who provide unpaid care to friends or family

Sorry stuck the phrase below into google and the gov uk page should come up. I'm not linking it bec I'm not sure what the most up to date version is

It's stressful trying to make sure parents are ok you have my sympathy