Did you relationship with your mother improve when she got older?

[PixieLand]

As an adult I had a pretty fraught relationship with my mother until recently. She had never been a supportive or "loving" presence in my life, but mostly disengaged, sometimes full of anger and hatred (for me!)

But the last few years - now she is in her 80s - things have improved. She still is prone to occasional irrational anger or accusations or intransigience. But most of all I think she does now "see" me and "respect" me in a way she never did before.

Everybody's different of course. And I must say, leading up to this, I put my foot down a lot for a couple of years (no contact in fact). But though I cannot cope with her for too long, she is someone I basically enjoy being with, have interesting conversations with, who seems to care about me, and we are definitely closer, which has been good for me. A bit puzzled still.

Have other people had this experience?

No.
I love and miss her but hate seeing her as it always reverts to her sniping then I become an angry teenager and retaliate, she sends me to coventry, I come home and cry for 3 days.
Been like that the last 50 years and can't see it changing.

My mum got better for a few years when my DC were younger and she was seeing them once a week. Now they are grown up, she seems to have returned to blaming me for everything that is wrong with her life.

No, we are like chalk and cheese and although I love her dearly she drives me up the wall.

My dad is currently in his final few months, and I find caring for him - even the toileting and grim bits - a million times easier than dealing with mum and her emotions and histrionics.

No. She's still just as judgemental and unpleasant as she's always been, I thought maybe she'd mellowed but she was vile on the phone just now.

Absolutely. Not sure my mum enjoyed having kids; but as we grew older and learned to give each other space, we got closer.
Miss her everyday.

Thank you for sharing your stories. Sorry about your unpleasant phonecall manito; I know about them.

Well, I almost immediately regretted posting my original post. Not for the first time on MN it must be said .

When I wrote, I think its true that perhaps my mother seems to have calmed down at times. But really, its the same. A bit more under the surface for periods, but it bubbles up nonetheless.

I'm wondering how it will all pan out as she gets older and more infirm, certainly reading the threads on here its a bit concerning. I have a sense I will be retreating though.

Its strange Dreamers, that "more closer" feeling is what I was alluding to. But its sort of passed by again. I'm sure I will miss my mum too.

My mother is lovely, but she had a very difficult relationship with her own mother. As my gran got older things didn't really improve, but a few years after she died (age 91) my mother made her peace with their relationship and this brought her a lot of contentment.

Sorry if that sounds morbid to say they didn't get on well till one of them died! But honestly it took that until my mum could put their conflict behind her and reach a place of forgiveness. Better late than never I guess!

My mum walked out when I was 14, left me and my brothers with my abusive dad and never looked back. I dont blame her for leaving him, but would have liked to have gone too. Even before that she was a distant, cold and self centered person. Now she is in her 80's and is disabled and I am the only one that still sees her. Her second husband died 3 years ago and I feel sorry for her now that she is on her own and isolated. The irony of being there for her in her hour of need when she pretty much abandoned me and my siblings isn't lost on me; but I'm happy to be the bigger person, plus simple human compassion means I cant just abandon her in her dotage. She's still as odd as hell and thoroughly self centered, but we have discovered that we have a similar sense of humour and we make each other laugh a lot...so Im glad that I have salvaged something from the wreckage that is my relationship with my mother.

Mine is fine as long as I put up with the shit and don't react to it. Nowadays I just don't phone her for a while when she has overstepped the mark (like today when she's been applying her political views - polar opposite to mine - to my situation and can f* off) and she maybe realises. She doesn't phone me, I phone her - last time it was 6 weeks before she bothered to pick up the phone to call me so she's not that bothered about talking to me.

If it wasn't for the grandchildren she wouldn't bother to get in touch. She uses people (by her own admission) and discards them when she is done with them.

Yes I've found that.

After I was diagnosed as autistic in my 30s I worked out that she definitely is too, and a lot of what frustrated me and hurt me about her isn't her fault.

Once I accepted the limitations I felt able to deal with it better and not take it so personally, and we're much closer now.

I also realised that I probably wasn't the easiest child to deal with really.

We've had a very eventful relationship.

It has improved but I think it's because I've disengaged and have learnt better ways to cope with her and deal with bad behaviour.

I accept the relationship for what it is and have come to terms with no longer wanting more.

Mine will hug me now. I can't remember receiving even one hug as a child.
We have swapped roles now. I'm the parent and she is very much the child.
Basically because I started standing up to her and refusing to take her crap anymore. She has actually stuck her fingers in her ears several times, walked off when I'm speaking, slammed the phone down on me etc.