Caring for the elderly: Coronavirus

[LindaSmithfanclub]

I've had a call for help from a friend who lives 200 miles away. She's a hospital manager and she lives with her DM (84) who has multiple chronic health problems, including diabetes, myasthenia gravia and heart trouble.

For the last few years the mother has been cared for by a carer who works 7 hours a day and lives in an annexe attached to the house. They also have extra carers who come in for a couple of hours early in the morning to get the mother up, washed and dressed and to help put her to bed.

There are no known cases of coronavirus in her health district at the moment but my friend is planning for the worst case scenario. She is likely to be exposed to the virus when it arrives and is planning to move out of the house in the next week so that she doesn't infect her mother. The live-in carer is a very quiet middle-aged woman from the Czech Republic who doesn't go out much at the best of times and is willing to self-quarantine with the mother until the worst is over. The plan is to cancel the carers who come in each day and try to find someone (me!) to live in the house for a few weeks to provide extra cover.

The established live-in carer will take over showering and intimate care and work a 7-8 hour day. I will be there to keep the mother company and assist overnight if required (apparently a very rare occurrence). Between us we'll do housework, laundry and cooking. They have regular Waitrose deliveries already.

It's a lovely large house with a beautiful garden overlooking the sea and my friend's mum is quite an entertaining character and not terribly demanding as far as I'm aware. My DP is currently working abroad, so there are no personal reasons to refuse. I've worked remotely for the last few years, so as long as I have access to wifi I'll be fine. I can work day or night, so can fit it in around the mother's needs. My friend has offered to pay me but not specified how much.

I'm trying to imagine living with just the three of us for maybe a month or two or even more. I'm someone who quite likes time alone, so I'd get a lot of reading and work done. I could probably manage a month without a problem but I'm not sure if I could cope with longer. I realise that having said I'll do it, I'd feel dreadful about walking away after a few weeks if the mother was still in danger.

Would you do it? What provision are you making for your elderly relatives?

Would I do it? Probably not because of not knowing when it would be over. If it's a few weeks near the sea then yes but if it's into months then I would miss my own bed and my own routine. I would need to set a limit on it for my own peace of mind.

Here the grannies are mostly self isolating anyway, one is virtually housebound with no-one coming in but me and the other gets out and about but not very far. The issue would be if I am out of action for two weeks. The one with the well stocked freezer who can do her own shopping would be fine, the other - well I keep wondering about that. As a minimum I could have her food shopping delivered so she'd not starve but I think that would be the point where she'd need a care assessment. Every week something "stops working" whether it's the tv, laptop, phone or washer and I can't see that she'd manage two weeks without support. I can afford to be a bit vague about it because she has other family and someone else would step up (or not, in which case they can call social services)

I would get a formal contract written up with T&Cs (including pay). You don't want to fall out with friend over later misunderstanding.

I would hate it coz I like interacting with people too much so would end up bring the bug home to the old lady anyway. But sounds like it could all suit yourself.

My oldies are a continent away but I could imaging DH or his sibling going to look after their parents, if seems safest for them.

Without a live-in carer... My question: who is going to walk their dog? Who is going to walk all the dogs if we have to go to mass self-isolation?

I wouldn’t want to take that responsibility unless I was very close to that friend. What happens if the mother has a fall on your watch for instance? Couldn’t your friend take the time off to be with her mother herself? Maybe she could arrange a sabbatical or something?

OP “ My DP is currently working abroad, so there are no personal reasons to refuse”

Yes, there are reasons, not least your personal freedom. You don’t know how long it might go on or who else might suddenly need you.

Reginabambina, I can just imagine you complaining bitterly about the hospitals closing because all the staff have decided to self-quarantine just-in-case, or take sabbaticals. One of the reasons I'm considering saying yes is the fact that I will be doing my bit to keep medical services going during a crisis by enabling my friend to keep working.

If the mother has a fall she has a fall. She's had the occasional fall while her daughter has been there. I and the other resident carer would probably be able to get her up. The house is set up for someone with disabilities and she has an electric buggy to go out into the garden.

Someone I've discussed this with has pointed out that we could go out for drives for a change of scenery.

Sounds like a sensible plan to me.

And keeping NHS staff able to work is something we all should think about.

It will probably be 3-4 months before the peak of the epidemic is over; are you ok with the plan for this length of time?
If you are, it sounds like a win-win : the elderly mother kept safe, you yourself self-isolated, and the friend supported to play her vital healthcare role.

It's the idea of being required to stay there until June that's making me pause for thought, Evidence-based. I'm pretty sure, having looked through my diary that I can rearrange things so that I can promise to go down there and stay for eight weeks and stick by that promise. I can take the lack of social contact for eight weeks, I'm sure.

After that perhaps we can find someone else to take over. I can go off in the car for a drive every day, maybe have a daily walk along the cliffs (staying well away from anyone else). Obviously we'll need to discuss the rules before I agree. If I'm not allowed to leave the house at all then I don't think I'll be able to bear it. My friend is offering £400 a week but before I take any money I'll need to have some form of contract in writing. It might actually be easier if I volunteer and don't take any money for it.

Wishing all those of you wondering how to care for your own elderly relatives a solution.