How to cope with stubborn mum putting herself in danger?

[Drinkandknowthings]

I can’t change her so I need to learn how to cope with her.

Mum is 78 and has a history of depression and falls (broken ankle, wrist & ribs, all separate injuries, all a result of falls). She lived with my 88 year old aunt but at the moment she’s in hospital (she fell and broke 4 ribs).

2 months ago mum had an ‘episode’ where she was spending most of the day in bed ‘waiting to die’. Her depression meds were changed. She had an assessment at the same time which judged her competent and with no delerium (which I assumed meant no dementia?)

The new meds are working well, she’s the best she’s been in years. But she’s almost TOO good. She told me she was standing on a chair washing the ceiling and going to the shed for wood (she lives rurally, we keep a supply of wood in the shed right next to the house but she insists on going to the ‘big shed’ where she’s fallen previously (the broken wrist). As she’s living on her own at the moment it would be hours before she was found.

I can’t change her. She’s completely stubborn.

So how do I cope??? I get so anxious and angry at her when she tells me this. And she always tells me.

Will she at least wear a personal alarm so she could call for help?

She has a personal alarm - it’s hanging around the neck of a statue!

My aunt who fell at least was wearing hers. She didn’t push the button when she fell but she was wearing it!

Oh crikey, OP, how frustrating for you! It almost sounds as if she is deliberately going against what you want...

#totally# Yes exactly. I think, deep down, she’s angry that I won’t have her live with me, as she did for her mum. I live in a 2 bed house with 2 children and my husband. There’s absolutely no way I could have her!
But she’s been very open about the fact she had me so I could look after her when she got old so now she feels resentful I’m not fulfilling my part of the ‘agreement’

Delerium is not the same as dementia. Delerium is usually short lived and has a cause like infection or dehydration and can be treated. It could be that her medication is making her feel like this. Do you know much about her depression. She could be sensible and use the care alarm properly. Is it up to the elderly aunt to tell her its getting too much. Hopefully auntie will tell the hospital therapists what is happening. Does anyone have power of attorney. You can express your concerns to social services safeguarding team. Maybe consider installing cameras. Who owns the property they live in. Age UK are very helpful.

Had similar OP. My DF lay outside after a garden fall for about five hours of a January evening. In the Dec he’d tumbled in the house on two consecutive lunchtimes and been attended both days by same ambulance crew who said they wouldn’t come again .
He did agree to an alarm but it must have taken about five years of arguing.
My DF did eventually have one catastrophic accident too many with his pendant never ever called upon.
He was true to himself and lived his life his way. My DM has had dementia for the last 15 years. It’s been a desperately sad decline.
In a way with his cavalier attitude to risk he spared himself and us the dementia episode.
I’m not trying to be harsh or upset you OP but I have forgiven him now.

Do not be blackmailed OP. She sounds quite manipulative.
You can't change her. Thousands of elderly people live like this. I saw it as a district nurse, stubborn older people refusing to pay for help and falling about all over the place.
A crisis will probably put her in a care home, usually the way it goes and usually the safest outcome.
Step back and don't rise to it.

She’s not too bad on her feet at the moment, she just seems to believe nothing will happen to her. She’s so determined that she’s right all the time.