Sorry, I really don’t know what to title this and to be fair, this is exactly how I feel.
I need a bit of advice to be honest with you.
All my life I’ve been lucky to live with my mum and dad. The only downside is that dad is an ex-hippy and my mum is a raging, abusive alcoholic. So, my childhood was quite traumatic and I was exposed to stuff I really find in acceptable now that I’m a parent.
I’m an only child (I have a half brother who lives in oz with his family and doesn’t talk to our dad) so responsibility for everything falls on my shoulders and I have no one to really help me.
I’ve never got on with my mother because I don’t like the person she is when she’s drunk (which is pretty much all the time.) She’s extremely unreasonable, abusive and just plain mean and as I’ve gotten older and had my own family, I’ve tried to keep out of her way as much as possible.
My dad is someone I adore but he’s getting older and very forgetful. He’s quite difficult to talk to as he doesn’t remember a lot and has a wonderful way of twisting previous events to fit his narrative. For example, he swears blind I loved school when in fact I hated it and he knew that.
Anyway, my dad started exhibiting symptoms of dementia last year and I was the one who organised everything. Pushed for tests, liaised with drs etc etc. My mum was content to just let everything slide and in fact got quite angry at me for “sticking my nose in” as she described it.
Dad has said he doesn’t want to live with her anymore because she’s abusive to him and my husband and I have tried to find ways to get him out but he has zero money and neither do we. I can’t have him at my place as we do not have any room in a tiny mid terrace and I can’t move at present.
Aside from all of that, when I do actually try to talk to him about his options he goes off the idea.
My mum has got so bad that while I was sorting my dads will, she would do things like say “you aren’t having everything of his!” When all I’d ask for is say a bangle he always wears. Everything but five non valuable, small items will be left to her when the time comes.
On the flip side, I adore my in-laws. They are great and we often stay over there’s at weekends as my daughter loves being there and we all feel happy and content.
My mother hates this and has started using our stays to stir the pot with my dad.
Today I rang my dad and he launched into a tirade about how we can make time for them but not him and he’s being punished for mums behaviour etc etc.
I’ve told him it’s because I don’t want to see mum (she wouldn’t leave the house if we came to visit,) and he won’t hear me.
According to him I’m neglecting him in favour of my in-laws etc etc.
I get where he’s coming from but I’ve been open and honest about why I’m doing it (I still ring him when I can each week) but now I’m getting emotionally blackmailed to put myself, my husband and my four year old in a situation I really don’t want to be in.
It’s horrible. Out of all his three brothers, my mother and my brother, I’m the only one trying to help him and yet I can’t win.
Has anyone ever experienced this? It only dawned on me a few months ago that I genuinely think I’m suffering PTSD from my childhood and need counselling. I’ve been on moderate strength antidepressants for the past two years as I can’t handle daily life plus my dads health issues and essentially sorting two families out.
I love my dad a lot but I don’t know how to help without compromising my sanity and protecting my family.
(Sorry if this isn’t in the right forum spot.)