Am I being too sensitive?

[Realmumstuff]

Hi,

I wasn't sure whether to post or not as it could be me that is just over sensitive.

I feel like my parents really can't be bothered with me. I'm 47 and have 2 girls, I live about a 20 minute drive away and my younger sister is living with them at the moment with my niece.

Whenever I pop over to see my parents my mum asks when do I want to leave and says don't feel you have to stay (this could be her thinking of me being a busy mum but it happens every time). I have to do all the talking or we sit in silence and my dad will sit in a different room when I am there often playing games on his phone. This has always been the case with my parents so there is no change in the way they are with me. When I hear how other mums are close to their parents I wonder why our relationship is so different.

At birthday meals (which I organise for them) which is largely me instigating all the conversions at the dinner table they get up and put their coats on ready to leave as soon as they have finished. My dad often just sits on his phone playing games. I will say you don't have to rush off but they always make an excuse to go home. I feel if If I didn't make the effort we would never see them. The latest was they put their coats on after having a meal last week and left me with the bill (that was fine- I asked them) but not one said thank you for the meal which upset me.

They never ask me how the girls are, I will call or text them to let them know how they are and ask if they are ok, they don't call or text me to check how we are.

It's got so bad that I really dread going up to see them or organising anything.

My sister sometimes talks to me about it but we're not close, we have both tried to accept that is the way they are.

I haven't tried for a while to talk to them about it as my mum had a stoke 18 months ago (virtually all recovered) and dad is struggling with arthritis, the last time I asked my mum if I could talk to her about it (a while ago!) she didn't think there was a problem and that's how she (and her family) are.

It is very likely that it's just me being too sensitive and selfish in wanting a better relationship with them when they are quite happy as they are.

They sound like they are not used to sharing emotions , and that may well be the way they were brought up. Did you observe any similarities in their relationships with your grandparents?
I think we expect more open family relationships these days, and we expect to talk with our children etc. It may be that they don’t have that in their background. Pretty rude to not say thank-you though.
I think you may just have to accept it; but take comfort from the fact that they had enough parental love to raise daughters who care. 💐

you arent being selfish or over sensitive, but may have to accept that they are emotionally limited people who cant offer you more than they are. It isnt to do with you, and it is ok to be sad that you dont have more engaged parents. Much love to you.

Sometimes people just ... aren't very nice (without it quite being Stately Homes (see Relationships board) territory) Sorry.

I agree with PP that if you ask about their childhoods it might be illuminating. I have a similar issue in that my Dad and stepmum seem unable to get through a visit without Dad trying to wind someone up / the two of them sniping at each other / Dad treating the grandkids solely as unpaid help rather than, you know, people he loves. In general Dad acts like a self-involved eight year old forced to be at a adult gathering and constantly trying to make trouble and get attention.

His childhood was very much lacking in loving adults though and it's not hard to see why emotionally he's stuck at age eight.

I try to limit visits as I too tend to dread them, while still not losing sight of the fact that they're people too and do have feelings as everyone does. After getting guilted into a second visit over Xmas where he was just very self involved with a sprinkling of PA, I have been politely steering round invitations to visit (I think "narcissistic supply" is a bit harsh but my sibling, who lives a lot closer, is away and Dad's also annoyed any affection out of his grandkids so they're laying low as well).

It's sad - I had a loving relationship with my Mum and still am good friends with her widower. I would really really like to have the "lovely Dad" relationship that a some of my friends have. But things are the way they are sadly.

It’s just how they are unfortunately , frankly if i were you I’d probably just stop making so much effort and either just call in when you are out and about for a flying visit or simply text to check they are ok .

I’m sorry, I’m just going to say that don’t bother seeing them

They clearly aren’t bothered. It won’t be anything you’ve done, it’s them.

And you’re not being over sensitive at all.