WwYD

[Finnyhaddock]

Not sure where to start...mum is in a care home with severe MS but fully compus mentis.
I'm an only daughter with my own physical disability.
The relationship, on my half is usually strained. Mum is definitely a narcissist and I am dutiful and go along with things to keep the peace.

Every time we have to discuss money she starts talking absolute rubbish..laying it on the line how unhappy she is, how poor she is and implying but not actually saying it's all my fault.

My DH and I have spent a fortune on the care home and she has a lifetime of avoiding problems, especially anything to do with money.

I keep completely losing my rag with her and am very stressed just at the thought of seeing her. She is not pleasant company and I'm (tbh) scared of her. She is a bully.

If anyone saw, or heard us they would think my behaviour is despicable. She is in a wheelchair and paralysed and I look well and ok. I'm ashamed that I can't control my temper.

She deliberately deflects/ignores everything that needs dealing with and of course refuses to give P of A but as she finds it very difficult to do stuff because of her disability I sort out most things.

I have done everything I can to help. I really don't want to see her tomorrow as I'm still so angry. Even when I do calm down I'm filled with dread at the thought of when it will all kick off again.

I think she has always been jealous of me.
WWYD?
Any advice? I try to stick to boundaries and walk out when she is being impossible.

I'm so sorry.

It's a difficult situation. Will she listen to a third party? Maybe getting a financial advisor (or even a friend good with money!) to lay out the figures for her and go "Look..."

I think you need to get power of attorney- how have you been managing her affairs without it? I would ask a solicitor what they would advise. I don't know about MS but is it progressive and life limiting?
As for visits - they don't seem to be doing either of you any good. Would it be better if you went with someone to act as a buffer? Or leave as soon as it starts up between you? You don't have to tolerate being bullied just because she is your mother and unwell. Have you explained to her that you are trying your best but maybe you both need a break from each other as it can't be helping her health either. I doubt she will change and you have to mind your own mental health too.

Did you read the OP Pip? The mother refuses to give her daughter PoA and is paralysed.

Does she have a house? It strikes me that if she won't listen and you are only visiting our of duty then cut your losses and stop going. I'd be inclined to stop paying too. Why are you paying for the home?

I do love her and that's why I visit.
Her home was on the deferred payment scheme and that has come to an end, hence why she is stressed out about money.
We stupidly paid a fortune in top up fees and it's actually the semi legal company we employed to help us (or as she says, 'me') deal with things who she is refusing to pay. We still need their help.
Tbh my daughters come occasionally but nobody who knows her wants to spend time with her. We take her out regularly. The place she is in is very good and she has made friends there but they are only superficial.
She is very demanding and incapable of seeing things from any one else's point of view.
Please help!

Being in a care home beyond her/ your means is a very difficult situation. Been there. Can you bring care home manager into a meeting with you your DH and she where you tell your mum something has to give? Care home person knowing there are fee issues might be able to convince your mum to be more flexible with poa. Worth a shot. Feel for you.

Does she have a social worker? They might be able to explain the money situation to her with less emotion. Paying top ups is not good.