FIL, Surgery & SMIL

[justilou1]

My FIL has stage 4 Colorectal Cancer. He has had chemotherapy and was due to have tumour resected and stoma put in earlier this week, when surgery was cancelled as his heart function was deemed unsafe. He ended up needing a heart procedure instead. His wife chose not to come to the hospital that day. Instead, she was running around replacing lost paperwork, bank cards, ID, etc... Probably could have waited as all had been reported missing, and cancelled, etc. I sat and waited at the hospital instead. I rang her and informed her that the procedure was not going to be open-heart as previously thought, but via groin, etc... she did not turn up. Poor bugger would have had to go through that alone. She came up the next day instead. THEN.... yesterday the big bowel resection surgery & stoma. It was nearly called off twice as he had fluid around his heart, and she knew all of this - it all implies that there was some element of danger, right??? (Not to mention the psychological impact of facing this kind of life-changing surgery alone...) She didn’t come up to the hospital again, citing that she doesn’t drive at night as an excuse. (She wasn’t there all morning, either...)
When I realised that she wasn’t there, I went to the ICU and waited while he woke up, until DH could get there. I explained to nursing staff that I was worried about SMIL, as I didn’t think she was coping. (That she had bailed on his previous surgery as well, etc...) Also that we lived closer than SMIL and could they call us as well if anything happened. She went to write our numbers down and SMIL had put HER daughter as second contact in case of emergency. (She is not related to FIL, does not drive, lives further away again, and is rarely sober.)
I am really struggling here. Obviously DH is pretty angry and I have told him that SMIL needs to be treated very gently at the moment so as not to stress his dad, but WTAF?!?!

There are two options here.

1. She is, as you said, not coping well and is doing a lot of displacement activities to keep herself occupied. It is not unusual.
2. She is an uncaring bitch.

Flagging it up to the nurses was a good idea as was changing the emergency contact details.

Please continue to be there for your FIL and, if you think it is option 1, try to help SMIL. Perhaps speak to her to organise a visiting schedule so she ‘gets a break’, and also try to spend time with her.

If you think it is option 2, call her on her behaviour.

Thanks for answering... I don’t think she is uncaring. Third option is that dickhead daughter is causing problems too. (Wouldn’t be first time - she does not like not being centre of mother’s attention, and her older brother has just announced partner is pregnant, which will make her jealous as hell and now this....) I think things are not good, but I don’t think it excuses her not being there and leaving him to face two terrifying ops by himself. It would seem that it is HIS job to look after HER and she is not coping. (He does all the cooking, etc...)

doesn't drive at night This may not be just a preference, she may be aware that the dazzle at night is sufficient to make her not quite safe in the dark. A lot of people her age develop cataracts, which are a long time in development - in daylight, no problem, but at night the light from headlights etc is spread a lot further and really impedes vision.

The hospital thing is difficult. While they're in hospital you know they're physically safe, and if you spend a lot of time at their bedside, you find yourself totally exhausted by the time they return home, exactly at the time that you have to step up and do everything for them. Maybe she's thinking something like that?

What was she like before FIL was ill?

I certainly don’t minimize the night driving thing, but his first surgery was entirely over and done with in daylight, so that excuse simply does not hold water. The second, she could have sat with him prior - it started at 1pm, and called us to be there when he woke up.
She was there at the hospital today, and according to FIL the daughter stayed at their house over night. I suspect she’s playing up. She is a deplorable human being who can’t handle the attention being on someone else, and I suspect that the combination of FIL’s illness and her brother’s announcement of new baby will have kicked off some imagined drama. (Not the first time.) MIL is known to always put her needs first. 🙄🤬🙄 Poor FIL