Apologies if this ends up being a long message- I have a lot of things going on at the moment and I’m not sure how best to deal with my parents in amongst it all.
They live a bit over an hour away from us, and we currently see them once a week when they come and stay overnight and then look after our 16m DD the day after (she also goes to nursery 2 days a week and DH and I have her one day each). It’s very kind of them to do this and I’m pleased that DD is building a good relationship with them; however I was always a bit iffy about the idea of relying on relatives for childcare as I worry about them feeling obliged to continue with it even if it doesn’t suit them. We’ve had the arrangement since I went back to work in November, and only because my dad said it would please my mum to be asked to help.
However it’s really my dad who does most of the childcare - he does really well - as mum has been getting increasingly wobbly on her feet and also (apparently) slower cognitively for the last couple of years really. She had a few minor falls at home, broke her wrist falling awkwardly onto the bed when she was staying with us, then finally managed to fall down the stairs at our house on the one night I had to be away with work. Luckily she only broke her collarbone but it was a bad experience for all concerned.
DM has had various investigations into the falls (including at the hospital syncope clinic) but nothing was found; however last week she had her second appointment with an elderly care consultant and he said he thinks she probably has something called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy- it would certainly fit all of her symptoms from what I’ve read. It unfortunately means she will gradually deteriorate mentally and physically. Dad is a bit younger than mum and is very fit and well but he’s 68 so it won’t last forever.
So, the next bit - we have just sold our house and the idea was for my parents to also move once we have found somewhere to be nearer (we are staying fairly local but just may move out of the city). My parents’ house is quite rural and isolated - they have neighbours but they have to drive to get to any service such as a shop, doctor etc. They also have a acre of garden which my dad is now managing on his own- gardening was their thing, but it’s now just a worry to him really. A big hindrance to the move was mum’s hoarding tendencies - she has accumulated a lot of documents (related to her old job) and newspapers which she insists have to be ‘gone through’ before they can be got rid of, and other stuff from my grandparents etc, and dad doesn’t feel they can make moves to sell before mum’s stuff is cleared- it’s basically filling 2 rooms of their house.
Since mum’s probable diagnosis (consultant wants to see her again to confirm) dad is worrying that it’s a bad idea to move - mum is very involved with their local church choir and the people there are very kind and concerned about her. Dad is worried she wouldn’t cope with moving and wouldn’t be able to get to know anyone new.
I am worried that I won’t be able to support them effectively at a distance - I work 4 days a week as does DH and we have toddler DD; we were also thinking about trying for another child soon (I am almost 37 so not a lot of time left) and now it feels like a bad idea.
We will revisit childcare arrangements anyway when we move, with the intention of relieving the burden on dad, but I just don’t know what to do to help them otherwise. I felt I was only just about managing my own life and job (DD literally slept through for the very first time last night - I still bf her at night and I am permanently knackered) and I don’t know how I can give more to my parents.