DM (74) has become over the last year increasingly self-centred, blunt and unable (or unwilling) to see things from the perspective of others. She's mobile, relatively sharp of mind - so far- and leads a busy social life.
She lives 20 mins away from me and spends a lot of time visiting my DB abroad for a week or so at a time. Needless to say however it's always "too far" and she's "too busy" to come and see us or for us to visit her. He gets monthly financial support from her. I get nothing, didn't even get a Christmas present.
She ignores my youngest DS (3) as "he won't settle with me" and sits there on her phone on the very rare occasion when she does grace us with a visit. These visits are of course unannounced and usually at inappropriate or inconvenient times, usually coinciding with an evening meal.
I have recently been diagnosed with a medical condition and she will at all costs avoid talking about it. She won't enquire how I am or offer help. She actively changes the subject if it comes up. She also questions the medical diagnosis and says I'm making it all up. She is - needless to say - not medically trained.
I am at my wits end with this. I have given up trying to convince her that I could do with some motherly TLC as begging for some love and hugs isn't really quite the same as just getting them off someone who's meant to notice these things and give hugs. I'm currently holding her at arms length whilst I struggle to deal with this lack of attention and empathy and work out a strategy.
It occurred to me today that she's not entirely incapable of empathy as DB gets it in bucket loads. They speak on the phone several times a week, he is her second main topic of conversation (she herself is her first) and she appears to be very sensitive to whatever is going on in his life.
As a former teacher, she speaks at people rather than have a conversation with them and having been on her own for 30+ years, I think she also forgets that one has to take other opinions of those around you into account. When she does join us she talks solely about herself and takes no interest in what the kids are saying or doing. She undermines me with my own teenage kids by trying to impose her rules and punishments on them which bear no relevance to our household. I'm trying to set my own boundaries with this behaviour and helping my teens do the same, but it's tiresome and upsetting.
Having come to the conclusion that she's actually quite a selfish and unpleasant person at the moment, but fully recognising the fact there's probably several years left in the dear old goat and that I need to work around this rather than try and change it, I am beginning to wonder whether these could be symptoms of dementia. She's likely to be very violently against seeing a GP.
Any suggestions on remaining sane whilst trying to get her the support she needs would be much appreciated.