FIL care

[RainbowFlowers]

My FIL is 83 he had my husband late he is 29, I'm 33. We have a 3 year old and one on the way.

FIL is in hospital delusional for parts of every day but also lucid parts of each day too. He struggles on his feet and its debatable whether he will be able to live at his home anymore.

My husband wonders if we can sell his house and build an extension/annex on our house and pay for care for him. This fills me with dread. FIL has always been highly emotionally and socially dependent on my husband. This is due to my husbands mum dieing when he was 4 years old (FILs wife), FIl was heart broken and never remarried or got over it really. He is an anxious person who always thinks the works of everything.

FIL is the most negative person I have ever met and typical of that generation a bit sleezey and a bit racist. (I'm mixed race). My husband is great with him but also gets very stressed very quickly. I honestly don't know how he would cope with him living with us. I don't know how I would cope with FIL living with us or how I would cope with husbands stress.

My husband has said that we would only go through with this with my agreement but I can't imagine putting my foot down to something like this. I want to be supportive.

Any advice or similar experiences are appreciated.

My husband is not expecting me to be his Dads carer

Who will clean him up if he soils or wets himself just after the carers have left?
Who will lift him up if he falls on the floor?
Who will wash his sheets?
Who will shop and cook for him?

Will your husband be there all day to deal with this, or will you - you have a 3 year old and one on the way.
You will be co-opted in by default - because you are a nice person, because you would not let someone sit in their wet trousers.

And once you have started the only way to put a stop will be for you to be the bad guy. Be the bad guy now, save yourself some heartache, just say no.

*and typical of that generation a bit sleezey and a bit racist(

In what way sleezy?

Because that's actually a really strange thing to say as a blanket generalisation about people. My mother is in her eighties and not sleezy and neither was my father, he really hated that kind of thing and was very particular about being respectful to women. Are you sure that's the word you actually meant?

I am certainly not saying that all people in his generation are sleezy or racist I am sorry it came across like that.

What I meant is he makes jokes that were probably appropriate when he was growing up. But are not anymore. Jokes that are a little racist and you know set in an era when it was the norm for men and women to have more traditional & rigid roles.

Oh, ok, but just so you know, sleazy means sordid, dirty: perhaps with a sexual undertone.

Selling his house and building an annex will take at least 18 months unless your DH runs a building firm.

You need an interim solution. Ideally a care home near your home so you can visit each other regularly. FIL can come to your house as well as you going to see him.

After a few months it is unlikely to be in his best interests to move again though.

If you want to move a parent into an annexe you need to start planning that a long way in advance while the parent can make decisions for themselves.

No. He needs to be settled somewhere now. 2 years is a long time, his health could deteriorate considerably in that time.
If you don’t want to be a full time carer you need to make that clear now.
The carers only come and go briefly. There are many many hours in between.