Ideas to help caring for elderly parents from a long distance away

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My parents live several hours away . We tried to get them to move near us a few years ago , found a lovely little retirement flat - but they pulled out.

I have primary age children and a husband doing a Significant commute (with an odd day working from home each week )

My Dads health has recently deteriorated and he now rarely leaves the house , they are now dependent on taxis and lifts from friends . My mum is effectively caring for my Dad.

My mum has always been troublesome , my childhood wasn’t great , the only reason I’ve stayed in contact is Dad. Whilst she is probably perfectly capable of getting a bus or taxi out on her own - my mum will not leave the house without Dad. She is becoming more frail as a result .

I ring every other day ( which is draining - my mum is Emotionally manipulative ... for years I have handled it by keeping it to a weekly phone call) , I organise a two weekly food delivery and they have a cleaner . We visit every few weeks ( they don’t want me to go on my own when husband is wfh ... they want to see the Grandchildren.. although my mum is not great at interacting with them , sometimes getting very angry , and I worry what memories they are making - my youngest has told me she is her least favourite grandparent ).

The friends they are leaning on are not that young themselves and also not in great health. I feel guilty about that and feel they should be using more taxis ( they have a good friendly local driver)

Is there any other support I can provide from a distance that I’ve not thought of. I feel pressured to do more , but not sure realistically what I can do without impacting negatively on my own children . We are due to visit in a couple of weeks . I feel a bit lost as to what to do next

You can't sort this out and you need to make that clear.. I would withdraw from caring roles and they need to seek help via social services etc. Call once a week for half an hour max.

what care do they need? does your dad need physical help with washing / dressing? Or do they need support with forgetfulness / being organised? Or something else.

If they are both content to stay at home and not do much, you can't really change that.

Thank you for replying to you both , my parents are pretty good mentally , although my mum likes to claim Dad is confused - this happens when she is feeling particularly tired by caring for him . My mum caring is making his meals / drinks / doing his washing - he manages his own self care all be it slowly. I hear mostly about how tired Mum is , my Dad rarely complains despite being in quite a bit of pain at times.

Would your mum join a carers group? By strengthening her health and well-being, you are indirectly helping your Dad.

Contact local Age UK or Carers charity to see what's around.

Have they got all of the gadgets to make life easy? Big button phones, fall pendants, handrails on bath etc?

Maybe you could suggest your DC write a letter/postcard to them once a fortnight? Or make a card or videoclip a song or something? Unexpected post it emails often brightens people's day.

Both great ideas Gazelda thank you !

I’ll look into a carers group - although I doubt she’d go alone

They don’t have anything if they fall - at the moment if Dad falls they are sorting it out themselves - where would I start looking for something like that ?

Age UK or the council should be able to point you in the right direction.

Thanks Gazelda !

Very glad I posted on here

Sometimes there are local organisations/charities who provide lifts for elderly people to eg. Medical appointments. Local Ageuk would have details. Also look on local Alzheimer's website - even though your parents don't have dementia there may be useful services.

Can they afford to pay for some care? Having someone cook the evening meal made a big difference to my Dad when he was doing most of the care for my Mum.

Talk to their local council, they should contact a social worker who will assess needs and sign post to help available.

My local council has a 'shop' in the city centre where you can try out different aids and leave with them or have them delivered a day or two later. Things like a bath board so you can sit in the shower (if they have a shower over the bath, kettle tippers etc) dressing sticks, cutlery etc.

I've just started getting meals on wheels, just once a week. I know not everywhere does them but some councils still do. I'm in Wolverhampton, anyone can sign up to meals on wheels, either for the odd day, a week or every day. It would give your mum a rest from cooking.

Find out about lunch clubs which is another way to ease the cooking burden. There are often activities at churches that are not religious, one near me does a pensioner's lunch and they have talks and crafts.

You mention your dad is in pain, does he get repeat prescriptions? Most pharmacies with collect from the GP and deliver to the home.

Is there a ring and ride? Cheaper than a bus and some can be used with the pensioners' bus pass.

There are some volunteer phone contacts, these are people who make phone calls to people who may be lonely, I'm not sure that would help with your situation.

But your first port should be their local council.

Sashh thanks lots of good ideas there and things for me to look into

the more I read of all of these suggestions , the more I worry that they are taking advantage of their friends a little if all these services do exist close to them .

They have saved money to help with their care in old age , but seem to be very reluctant to actually use it - if a friend could help instead . They both were raised in poverty .

It might be worth looking at attendance allowance for your df- not means tested, would cover some costs of taxis etc.
Get some help completing it as carers uk/ age uk know how to phrase things.

Would they have paid carers in the house? If so could you try and find a small group or regular person that provides care? Build up a relationship with them and they with your parents?

I work in a set up like this and we have great communication with families or our clients and where we're a very small, local group we can do everything from appointments, dressing, washing, shopping, cooking etc. It often acts and a step in between parents and adult children where there can be tension.

My mum lived by herself for years and wouldn't move so we organised for something to happen most days,.

We have a farm foods delivery, a cleaner, her home hairdresser, a home manicurist, a window cleaner, a gardener for 3 hours a week. it gave her a reason to be up and tidy. Someone to say hello to, to make a cup of tea for.
She also had a 3G alarm button although she wouldn't use it.

All the callers were carefully chosen and had my phone number, and knew to ring me if she didn't answer the door or they thought something wasn't right.

Mum was happier, she remained "independent" for longer and it was less expensive than a care home. But she wasn't manipulative and she didn't have memory loss.

OP, you tried to sort them accommodation nearer to you, and they turned it down. They didn't want to come. The upshot of that is that they manage their own affairs, especially if your mother is "challenging" to deal with.

my advice is to get yourself a new mobile phone and don't give the number to your parents or anyone in social services. If they need you, they can call you in the evening on your land line, but they have otherwise burnt that bridge.

I might be especially unsympathetic but we've done 140+ mile round trips helping with care for MIL with a preschooler / KS1 child and tried to find accommodation for my mother nearby when she was, by the sounds of it, as challenging as yours. If my mother gets to an age where she needs care, she's chosen to live miles away and can make arrangements herself. Social services will just hope you're able to drive and spend what spare time you have helping. Don't do this to yourself. Protect yourself and your own family.

SoCrimea thank you for sharing your experiences - I have a ferry journey between myself and my parents which complicates things . You’ve actually helped me feel less in the wrong as it were .

I appreciate all your messages - I think at this point I will try and research all these options and encourage them to use them . I know they are already in contact with Age Uk ...

I wouldn't blame them for their decisions - the trouble with moving to be close to your children is that your children can then move again (or feel resentment because they don't feel they can move and leave you alone) - the fewer moves in later years the better for maintaining mental coherence. They may not know about other service or may not view themselves as being in need - to admit you are in need of older people's services brings you up short looking your own mortality in the face. But although you can sympathise with them, you still need to look after yourself and your own health, and it's not possible by yourself to give them everything they need.

Agree to trying to get your mother support "as a carer" - it may be more palatable that way. Our council offers support to carers in the form of 1-1 chats, support groups, training seminars (they've worked out that it's cheaper to keep family carers healthy than to pay for elders in a home).

Also Attendance Allowance for father - you may not get it now, but once you can, they may be more amenable to spending that. My mother referred to it as her "squander money" but what it actually meant was that she felt OK spending on services that she wouldn't have needed if she weren't a wheelchair user.

We had a lot of equipment for Dad on loan via the District Nurse service (access via GP) - grab rails, "perching stools", two zimmer frames, one for upstairs, one for down, rails for the toilet.

I never found a solution to falls - call alarms services speak to the person if they can and assess seriousness, then alert family members. No magic "falls service" which sends people in to get the fallen person off the floor. If family can't get them back up again, it's 999, and of course it's low priority so you may have to wait 8 hours. Have they worked out how to get him up again? - basic way is to get him over on to hands and knees, put a chair in front of him so he can put hands on that and get himself up, hopefully as far as standing, then bring another chair behind him so he can sit down on that.

Just seen that they're in touch with Age UK. Age UK can advise whether they're likely to get Attendance Allowance, and help them fill in the form.

My parents' local authority provides a service; it's a reasonable amount per month and they send two members of staff around to pick the person up. The only drawback is its a fairly rural authority so there's sometimes a delay in staff getting to the patient, but whenever my parents have had to use it the staff have come out quickly.

Be careful with alarms services though - my parents nearly bought one that cost about the same as the council one but it didn't seem to provide much of a service.

Their local library may be a useful port of call too; ours keeps lists of various voluntary and social groups.