Thinking about having to put my mum in a care home

[CAZ54]

Hi I am new to this - my mum is 84 x housebound x not mobile and having double handed carers four times a day. I live 60 miles away x my two siblings live twenty minutes away. My mum is quite deaf and showing early signs of dementia. Brother helps out as best he can but gets cross and anxious and my sister does not want to commit more than visit my mum twice a month. Help I am struggling doing everything x I am next of kin and time to think about my mum going into a care home. I have not been well physically x work full time and have two adult children. Any advice x

Is it possible for her to reside with one of the 3 children? Often that can help improve situations. Unless of course, none of you are wanting to do that for your mum? She obviously could still have carers in the day when the offspring is working.

Alternatively look on www.carehome.co.uk/
Further info here: www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/care-homes/

If she has a social worker via adult social care speak to them too.

Obviously if OP works full time, she can't take her DM in and care for her. If you live 60 miles away, OP, I would have thought a care home was the only answer.

Best decision we could have made with my mum; she’s safe, happy, got friends and help available 24/7.

I've got a meeting on Thursday to start the ball rolling and she will give me details of social services x

What does your mum want to do?

I think you need to reframe your thinking; you're not putting your mum in a care home, but finding the best solution to meeting her needs. Good luck.

Yourypir post is Unless of course, none of you are wanting to do that for your mum?

Your post is incredibly judgemental SoloMummy. Caring in the home is not always the right thing to do and layering on that kind of language doesn't help anyone. Many care homes are wonderful places which provide the right kind of expertise and all day companionship.
Do what is right for you and your Mum OP.

If she's showing early signs of dementia, find a home that can cope with this - there tends to be a mental downturn with every change, so try to minimise the number of changes.

Remember when viewing homes that caring staff are more important than facilities, and because of this, a smaller cheaper home can be better than a larger one with fancy restaurants, big gardens and all sorts. You may look at the place and shudder at the thought of living there, but your mother will have different needs.

Posted without tidying my message up! I wish there was an edit button. Anyway hopefully you got the gist OP and SoloMummy.

Mum has said on several occasions she would be happy going in a care home. Just have a little bit of guilt that I should carry on doing everything and not put her in a care home. 90% of me thinks care home.

I work in a care home in the office and I also do the show rounds when people come to visit.
Are you going to be privately funding the care or are you hoping to receive funding?
Feel free to tag me or PM me if you want to when you start looking for care homes if you need advice on what to ask or look out for.
If she is happy to go into a residential care home then that’s brilliant because often it’s the guilt of moving a family member in when they don’t want to that hurts people the most.

If mum is happy to live in a carehome that might be the best for her. Is she able to make her own decisions about moving selling her home if she needs to and visiting suitable homes or does anyone else have power of attorney for her. Her carees will know how much care she needs so talk to them and also social services, she may need either residential or a nursing home depending on her needs. Social services will also do a financial assessment to see if she needs to pay for her care or qualifies for any funding help. She will be safe in a carehome, there are some really nice ones, depending on her needs and finances you can look at homes on the cqc site and it's always better to go and have a look yourself.

I’m an older persons social worker OP, feel free to pm with any questions.

Don't bring her to live with you. You can't possibly do the equivalent of 4x a day care visits if you work full time and aren't well yourself. SoloMummy doesn't seem aware that this would worsen your mum's care, not improve it. My advice would be:

• get power of attorney put in place asap. Then you can manage your mum's affairs and it's all ready for any further decline in her capacity. Get this done before you look at a dementia diagnosis.

• look at care homes near you, unless she has a very good network of local friends who you are very sure would continue to visit her. If she moves to near you, you can visit her much more easily and often.

• Does your mum own a property? If so talk to your local authority about the finance side. The house will eventually need to be sold to pay the care home costs, but the local authority will pay in the meantime once they agree a home is necessary and once you sign to say you'll pay them back on the sale of the house.

• talk to her social workers and build up your case as to why she now needs to be in a home and the care calls are no longer enough. It is easier if you can point out she will be self funding.

Happy to talk more about this. I did it with my dad and it was the best decision for him.

If your mother said she's happy to go into a home then get the ball rolling asap and don't feel guilty. She will be warm, fed and cared for and have company. My mum had said never to put her in a home. She died suddenly so it never became an issue. However she did ask what would happen to dad if she died first - I told her he'd go into a home. She wasn't too happy! But that's what happened. She died. It became apparent fairly quickly that he couldn't live alone, none of us lived near enough or had the space or overwhelming desire to have him live with us so as soon as he mentioned nursing home we were on to it. He lived there for over a year and it was a relief to know he was safe there. We visited often, taking it in turns to go and take him out for a drive. If you can find a decent home somewhere between you and your siblings then you can all visit as often as you like.

My mother in law is in a home. Nobody would have chosen for her to be as frail as she is. She would have been unsafe continuing at home and by unsafe I mean continually in and out of hospital or hit by a car on the road. Plus my father in law would be even more unwell than he became. Things are so much better. Best wishes.

We decided a nursing home was the best and safest place for my mother a year ago. My DF was struggling so much and had got to the point he couldn't cope with looking after mum any more - vascular dementia, major denial, incontinence, immobility, all round frailty and a few medical issues as well. My brother who lives abroad was absolutely set against this happening, so easy when you're not having to help out and support anyone and obsessed by money but it happened anyway and it has been the best thing we could have done. Even he agrees she's in the best place now.

We go and see her, it's quality time we spend with her now rather than me turning up in the morning and wondering what chaos awaited me and how long I'd need to be there to sort it all out. Obviously it was nice to spend time with them, but the unpredictability of it all is quite stressful and always always there would be some drama on the day I needed to be in and out quickly. Mums very happy there, the staff are lovely with her (and there's a low staff turnover which is a good sign I think) and there's always something going on every day. She enjoys all the activities in a way that surprised us all as she was bordering on the antisocial. Dad goes to see her every day. None of us have any regrets and the improvement in my dad has been remarkable, he's a very sprightly 94 3/4 with a better social life than me now that he doesn't have to worry about leaving mum on her own any more

Thanks guys really appreciate the helpful advice. Having a meeting on a Thursday to be allocated a social worker. My dad unfortunately did an equity release scheme years ago so house belongs to that company. I have power of attorney now x

Good, you're all set to go. If he doesn't have assets, then SS will pay for the home, but it will limit choices a bit. And you won't be able to get attendance allowance.

No need for guilt - it's simply not feasible to care for a dementia patient at home for most people.You're talking about 24 hour care - as well as keeping an eye on them in the day, they may wake at night, or you may need to wake for pad changing or turning them over in bed to avoid bed sores. Even if you have carers in for the day time when you're at work, you'll struggle to get night time carers, and any picking up the slack you do will be 365 days a year, even when you yourself are down with flu. The only people who will criticise you are people who haven't experienced it themselves.

Crotchetyquaver had it dead right: "We go and see her, it's quality time we spend with her now rather than me turning up in the morning and wondering what chaos awaited me and how long I'd need to be there to sort it all out. "

For us moving my Mother into a care home has been the best decision ever. She is flourishing, happy, safe and entertained. We enjoy going to see her and she loves telling us all the things she has been doing.