My Dad is dying. Tell me what I need to do.

[RainbowAura]

Hi,
My Dad has a secondary cancer that is untreatable. He was given 18mths - 5 years to live around 18mths ago.
After the initial shock wore off, we've pretty much carried on as normal. He still feels healthy and well.
Nothing has really changed and I can't shake the feeling that I should be doing more but I don't know what to do. I still see him once or twice a month as usual but we don't do anything special. I invited him and his wife on holiday with me and DS14 but she doesn't want to come so he won't go.
I'm looking for advice from wise Mumsnetters and anyone who has experience of this to help me with what to do. He could become ill anyday and I don't want to regret I didn't do more. Is it OK to just carry on as normal or should I be organising more events and creating more memories? It seems silly but I don't want things to feel forced and it seems easier to carry on like before.
Thanks

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My DF had a series of strokes that have left him much less of the person he was. But we still meet up every week and chat, have a meal together and rail against the state of the world.
My feeling is that you should carry on as normal. He'll prefer that and your DC's will have happier memories too.

Carry on as normal but take photos, especiallyof you together. Find out things like his favourite songs, books, poems, sayings. Listen to him & the stories he tells you. Be present.

I’m so sorry you’re in this limbo, it must be awful.

The first paragraph are things I’d have done with my Dad & Dh would have done with his Mum if we’d known they were going to die. ‘Making memories’ doesn’t need to be organised, it comes from just being with someone.

I’m sorry, that’s sad.

Tell him you love him. Ask him anything you want to know about your childhood. Tell him how much he means to you. Take photos or video. One of the hard things is not hearing someones voice ever again and knowing there will be no more photos.

Also see if someone can ask him what his wishes are for his funeral. And, sorry, but make sure he has a will and it reflects his wishes. My father only made one on his deathbed but it enabled us to execute his wishes.

And try not to leave anything good and loving and positive unsaid. Good luck.

You're taking your lead from him, which is good. I agree about photos, days out, little videos. Nothing heavy, but maybe him opening a present, or your DCs playing with him in the background.

It may be worth talking to his wife and asking her if she's ok, whether all the legal stuff is in place- PoA etc. I don't know what your relationship is like, but you may want to reassure her you just want him to be happy and well.

For yourself, line up your support network. Look at your diary and dump anything not important to you. You're likely to get tired- it's a draining situation to be in.

There are practical things like a will and do not rescusitate order, if that is his wish, that really, really need to be done while he can give careful consideration to them. That may sound really brutal, but don't put any of it off. Also, as a PP said, what sort of funeral does he want, where will he be buried.

Apart from that, time and the chance for him to talk about his life and times. Do you have an old photo album lying around somewhere that could be a conversation starter?

So... I would start naming and takking about the prognostic.. gently but in a ",if ms there anything you want to make sure you do before you get too I'll ti be able to do it" .. this is an opportunity. If you do life as normal you will regret it afterestfs because you knew and you didnt do anything about it.
If he says thrres nothing he wants to do and nothing he wants to say etc etc ... that's his choice and maybe his way of coping or denying that he is dying.
And then, after thinking or trying to explore what he wants..... I'd start to think about the things I might want to say to my dad before he gets too ill ... and I'd say them.
And if enjoy my dad as others have said.... fully. And to the best of my ability.
Its awful when they go, as they must and as they will. But make the most of the time you do have.

if i were you, I would prioritise seeing him more often. how about every week.
just spend time, chat, shew appreciation, and remember happy times, childhood days, or what you have learned about being a parent from him.
I may be odd, but frankly I would hate anyone asking me about funerals. this seems to be a modern idea. it would have been thought to be in the very thing one does not mention, in the past, and I'd rather keep it that way. if the person wants to raise the issue, that's up to them, but I don't think anyone else should. I would find it an abhorrent subject. don't add to his burden.
anyway, since he has a wife, all that will be her responsibility, not yours.
I would say concentrate on your relationship with him, never mind any arrangements. just love him. all the best.

Maybe back when people could be assumed to belong to an organised religion there wouldn't be much to talk about when it came to funerals or burial. The deceased would be taken to his or her church and the normal funeral rites performed, with burial in the local churchyard. People are much less likely to have that automatic progression now, so the matter of a funeral/rites/ceremonial and preference for burial, scattering of ashes, setting aside funds for a get together of family and friends, etc., can be important to discuss.

Are all his finances and other affairs in order? Has he made a will? Are there things he would want to especially give his wife/children? Would he be willing at this stage to talk about what he wants by way of a funeral? Songs? Speeches? For people to wear a special colour? Cremated or buried?

What about Power of Attorney for health/welfare and finances - may be a good thing to consider or at least start thinking about.

End-of-life care plan?

Would he like to spend his last days at home? In a hospice? If at home, how quickly could he get pain-relieving drugs at the very last stages of his life. Some of these can only be given by health professionals and if you're reliant on nurses being called to the house, they can be delayed.

Before this, will he want palliative care? What things might he want? Not want?

These are some of the practical things that may, at some time, be useful to discuss - alongside lots of happy memories with him. Can you video him talking?

Make sure you've said everything to him that you might want to say - how much he means to you, the things he's done which have had a positive effect on your life.

I'd try to spend more time with him. Lots of photos.

As hard as it seems you have to ask about his Will and point out if he dies without one you will end up with nothing. Your Stepmum will inherit everything and it will then end up with her family.

There was a thread on here where the Step mum had just passed away, leaving no will and no immediate family so her money will end up with distant cousins as stepkids don't count.

You need to spend as much time together as possible.

Thanks everyone. There's some great advice here.

I would try to see him more often. Perhaps arranging to do nice things together from time to time. A meal out, a drink in a nice pub. Anything that you think he’d like really.