Abusive elderly dad

[Tillycop1]

My father is 77. He is disabled and lives alone. In the past year he has been in and out of hospital and almost died 5 times. The most recent being Tuesday. He was found on the floor with hypothermia and again rushed to hospital. He has refused carers package constantly and has proved that him and I can not do it alone time and time again. My problem is this. Dad was a drinker narsassistic wife beater physically and mentally to my mum when I was growing up. Mum died when I was 18 and he only has me. Everyone in his life has walked away from him except me. Why I don't know! I'm now 43 and it not been easy with him. Now he is not independent and tries to rely on me. I have done all I can including trying to do a full time job and be a mum and wife in the past year. Again his ugly side has got worse and worse and he takes out all his anger and frustration out on me as he can't have his own way anymore. This is not my fault. I am sick of being spoken to like a dog and ordered around. Today he rang from hospital and had a go because I have told the truth to the occupational health regarding him not being able to cope. He said I was not to carry stories" like I'm a child!" In no uncertain terms I told him he either takes the help or he is on his own. He responded by telling me "I can fuck off aswell! To which I put the phone down" A lot of what dad has been through is self inflicted as he does what he wants and thinks he is always right but still been there. This time I've come to the end of my teather. His abuse and bullying has effected my all my life. I want to just walk away now. I'm all he has left and I don't want him taking his frustration and anger out on me anymore. Please any advice??

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. You really need to find help to try and go no contact with him. It's not your fault that he has his own self destruct button. I would try and follow his advice and fuck off and leave him to it but you will need to find a way to allow yourself to do that.

Walk away. You are fully justified in doing so. I say that as someone whose elderly dad also didn't want carers - difference was that my dad isn't abusive and did eventually listen to me. Yours has had enough chances.
I will be surprised if they discharge him from hospital under the circumstances. But what you need to do is speak to the ward staff and tell them you will not be providing any care or help at all, so all their decisions about him have to be made on that basis. They will have seen this scenario many times and will understand. Hospitals have to try to get families to do it because of cuts but they can't insist and they are well aware that not all elderly people are loving cuddly types.

You need to walk away.

Contact social services and say you’ve reached the end of your tether, and it’s over to them. You’ve done 25 years, that’s more than enough. He has no-one to blame but himself.

You tell the hospital, occupational health, social services, everybody that you cannot and will not care for him any longer. They will try and twist your arm. Stand firm. Neither he nor they can force you to look after him.

I agree. And have a look at Out of the FOG online site. can't believe the number of times I have recommended that site already on here. Hugs to you

You need to find the strength to let go and let the staff sort him out, if ne refuses care that is his choice. He has affected your life for years, you dont need anything from him, you get nothing out of this relationship, you need to keep yourself well and strong. Does he live alone. Are you getting support from your dh.

OP, it's a no brainer. You have done what you can and tried so hard and now it's time to let him deal with his own self inflicted mess.

Tell hospital, social services etc that you are unable to provide any help. In my experience they will not blame you for it. hey understand how difficult it is to deal with even a gentle and loving older person.

It's time to walk away. You don't owe him anything. Don't sacrifice your health, happiness and relationships with your partner and DC for an abusive parent.

Tillycop,
I hereby give you permission to walk away, you have already given way too much of yourself.

He has done you a favour with that last phone call. Now you can fuck off as well.

I know it's not easy, but you reap what you sew. Let him realise that before it's too late and in honour of your mum.

Walk away, you've done your best, he's actually told you to fuck off. Please don't feel guilty. Everyone has a limit, you just found yours.

your father is biting the hand that feeds him (ie yours) not a smart move, that hand will now make a farewell gesture and find something better to do!

Bless you, your situation sounds absolutely awful. You are an extremely kind and tolerant lady, after watching your father abuse your poor mum, then selflessly try and look after him after her passing. In an ideal world, you should just let him get on with it, but when it's a parent or child, we put up with anything out of unconditional love, and a feeling of guilt if we're not there for them come what may. However, remember He is choosing to be contrary and doesn't have any empathy towards you, or your family so you must put your own needs before his!! Keep yourself sane and well, then deal with him with whatever little energy you have left. It's a loosing battle you are fighting with him, you and your family are more important! I wish you all the best xx

Please walk away.
You will feel guilt as he is angry at himself too because he can’t do what he once did.

You having a breakdown helps no one.
I say that as someone who has a debilitating disease which will require care one day.
I do not think that just because he is your parent you have to provide that care.

My grown kids have been told to just pop in for a cuppa once a month and no more when I get to that stage!

He sounds like my mother, apart from the alcohol he could be her twin. I've posted untold thread on here.

She is in hospital at the moment and I can't visit because she has Norovirus and the ward is closed. It's bad, but it's like being on holiday.

It is easy for folk to say walk away, not so easy to do.

The decision regarding care may be taken out of your hands anyway but i do agree that you need to tell social services that you cannot continue.

OP " I want to just walk away now"

that's what I'd do. I find dealing with nice elderly parents horrendously hard.

Dealing with a horrible one - leave them to it. No one but themselves to blame.

It’s not easy to walk away but it’s all you can do. You will never be able to help him and you need to look after yourself and your family. Just because he’s old he doesn’t get to act like a fucker and expect you to deal with it. Feel no guilt

Hello everyone, I am new on here, and have been reading and relating to your experiences. Have been going a bit gaga dealing with my own old folk, feeling like I’m the only one in the world on constant call! My oldies are both 86, my mother is very highly strung and a hypochondriac! Although she does have a few health issues which are exasperated by her constant highly stressed state. My poor old dad has recently showed signs of becoming more doddery than usual so I took him for a dementia test, which he scored 6/9. Doc has referred him for a brain scan which he is having next week. My mother has many lovely qualities, but also a rather nasty side to her. She is constantly horrible to my father, bullying him all the time, shouting at him, saying that he ruins her life and if he does have dementia then he should be put away! He doesn’t respond, infact, most times he just goes onto a completely different topic and appears not to even take it in. If I tell her off, she has a go at me, saying I always think she’s the nasty one, when it’s really my dad!!! She holds things against people, twists everything and is very unforgiving. I keep quiet mostly just to keep the peace, but it breaks my heart to watch the utter contempt with which she treats my father. Every time she rings me, it’s tears, or saying she doesn’t feel well, or hating my dad. I took her to A&E before Christmas, because her BP was too high even though she’s on meds. They kept her in, and diagnosed some issues, but she complained all the time, staying she wanted to go home and there was nothing wrong with her!!! When for years, all I get is constant reminders of how unwell she is! Anyway, I could go on all night, but have been boring enough wishing you all a peaceful evening

Queenie Welcome! That mus be so hard for you. So glad I'm dealing with only 1 parent.

MereDint thank you! Even one parent can be hard work, it's a full time job! Just when my girls are all grown up, another set of stuff appears over the horizon. I love my parents dearly, but regularly ask myself how long it's going to go on for. Doesn't that sound bloody terrible? Mum has always been a negative person, but this has increased over the years. It would be really lovely to be asked "how are you" for a change. If I'm not at work, im at the doctor or hospital with one of them. I do wish she would be kinder to my dad as he has prostate cancer, which is stable at the moment, but you never know when that will change. Have a peaceful evening!

Queenie You're not the only one with feelings of "how long is this going to go on for", or even "I hope this is all over soon". Don't beat yourself up about it.

Queenie - read the "I feel really guilty" thread!