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Elderly parents

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your stories on caring for elderly parents please

13 replies

dottypotter · 04/02/2020 15:33

How does it work for you and siblings if you have any if parent has to go into hospital?

Do you take turns visiting hospital? Do you update each other?
Do you fall out over things?
what happens if your a long way from your parents but your siblings are nearer?

Just wondered?

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 04/02/2020 15:37

I did most of it as I lived nearest. One sister would visit one day at the weekend, and my other sister was abroad, so she was only over a couple of times.

It was what it was - there wasn't really any other way.

When my sister moved back to this country she took on more of the load as she moved very near to my Mum. When Mum went in the nursing home, I probably visited more, but my sister found her dementia more upsetting than I did.

MaryQContrary · 04/02/2020 15:41

What's your AIBU?

There's an Elderly Parents topics for you to post in.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 04/02/2020 15:44

My DM was in hospital from 27 Dec to 6 Jan. She is a widow and my brother lives a few hours away from us so it was me doing all the hospital visiting every day. DM was in a London hospital and I'm South East. It was exhausting! I'd leave home at lunchtime to travel up, stay there several hours as she was scared and lonely, then travel back home on the train, getting home around 7-8pm. I'd send my brother updates by text. He made two visits the whole time she was in, claiming he had a cold and couldn't visit sooner. I think a lot depends on who lives nearest, how far away the other sibling(s) live, how often they can get down to visit etc. My brother hasn't been to visit DM since she got out of hospital a month ago because he had a holiday booked and apparently hasn't been able to fit it in. It does cause a bit of resentment on my part that he doesn't make more effort. He's crap at calling her too and I sometimes have to remind him if several weeks (sometimes months) have passed.

dottypotter · 04/02/2020 15:52

What's your AIBU?

There's an Elderly Parents topics for you to post in.

did you put the same comment on the post ive just farted at work!!

OP posts:
soniamumsnet · 04/02/2020 15:54

Hi @dottypotter, we've moved this thread over to the Elderly Parents topic for you, where you'll hopefully receive some useful answers from Mumsnetters. Flowers

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 04/02/2020 16:48

I'm an only child so as far as my parents are concerned (just mum now) it all falls on me.

As far as my mother in law is concerned, she did live a long way from us, much nearer her two daughters. I would contact her every morning to make sure that she was ok. She has now moved, along with one daughter and her family and is just an hour from us. However as she lives with her daughter the main burden of caring, should the need arise, would fall to her although we would try and visit regularly but my husband often works evenings so we wouldn't be able to make hospital visiting hours every day.

Orangeblossom78 · 04/02/2020 16:58

I'm having a slightly strange situation with my brother who loves closer. He keeps doing stuff like visiting but then being a bit off with me if I help do things like following up SS referrals and the like. I'm not sure why. Maybe he'd like me to help more but I live much further away and just trying to do what I can.

Dreamersandwishers · 04/02/2020 19:04

My sister & I did a timetable to account for work, kids etc, but we live close to each other and so the travel was fairly even.
We talked regularly, and I would say, supported each other.
DH has 2 siblings but he is the closest, so a lot falls to him.
It’s really tough for him and his siblings have been known to let him down - saying they will take over the weekend and then cancelling. I try to help, by doing laundry ,for example , but the emotional support for MIL falls squarely on his shoulders.

PermanentTemporary · 10/02/2020 23:28

I did twice visiting when my dad was ill and died 100 miles away, more than my sister and brother though I wasnt the closest,but not nearly as much as my uncle who was about 20 mins away. But the whole thing only lasted 5 weeks.

I do very little for my godmother who's been in hospital or respite for 10 months but did try to go at least weekly when she was in hospital an hour from me. (Im a single parent with a job). Since she moved 2.5 hours from me and my dad got ill the same time i havent seen her, but her nephew has taken over.

I try to see my mum once a week but dont always manage it, she is independent but a bit lonely and I'm the closest.

My mother in law is in a nursing home, I aim to see her and my FIL at least once a month. My brother in law goes twice a month, it's a long journey. His sister barely goes at all and I know my FIL is upset about that. But shes not too well herself, I should try to see her more often.

My demented aunts I dont see any more. My sane aunt in America who is a full time carer gets a weekly email.

So nobody gets much from me, obviously phone calls though, but there's so bloody many of them all crumbling at once.

AutumnRose1 · 10/02/2020 23:35

I have a sibling who never got on with parents and lives quite far away...ish

Both parents have been in and out of hospital a lot over the years and usually sibling does nothing.

When dad was dying of cancer, sibling visited a couple of times

Sibling accepts that I’m in charge of it all and wouldn’t question any decision I make.tbh if I had someone commenting from a distance, even if they were well meaning, I’d tell them their input wasn’t needed. I might ask them to do anything that can be done from a distance but that’s very little frankly.

AutumnRose1 · 10/02/2020 23:37

PS if I could have someone e share duties with me, I would totally be willing to split them.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 10/02/2020 23:46

Only child. Divorced parents. Both Ill with different dementias at different stages.
I’m basically fucked.

ParkheadParadise · 10/02/2020 23:48

I was the main carer for my mum. I was lucky i was able to give up my job to look after her.

I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers.
My sisters did take their turn, my brother's were pretty useless.
My mum had dementia in the end it wasnt safe for her to stay in the house. That's when the fighting started between the siblings. My brother's were adamant mum wasn't going into a care home. By this time I was exhausted trying to look after her.

Sister and I had POA.
My mum lived for 6 yrs in the home. Daughter's visited every day. Brother's didn't like to go as mum didn't know them😕.
When she passed away we were all at her bedside. It did change our relationship as there was fighting about the funeral.
It's 3yrs now and I can say we are probably back as close as we were before my mum took ill.

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